The Bumpy Road to Recovery

[Bagheera]

We hear of so few success stories on this SSM board, that I thought I might do a small bit of journaling to share my thoughts tonight.

Over on SillyOldBear's Thread, we've been discussing my suspicion that Bear's wife, despite the fact that she is a strong, naturally dominant woman, wants / needs Bear to be stronger than she is --> to be the Man of the house, take charge, and lead the relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. This led to a follow-up discussion on DanceQueen's Thread, in which she freely talks about how it is exactly this type of relationship that makes her feel the most loved and turns her into a sexual dynamo. In addition, Alimari frequently praises the changes that her husband has made in finally becoming the Real Man that attracts her and turns her on. There is a pattern here, me thinks.

The road to a male-led relationship, however, is often not an easy one, particularly for a strong, feminist woman married to a man who believed that such relationships were 'wrong' and a thing of the past. As with Bear's wife, this desire on my wife's part for me to 'man up' and take charge of the relationship was an incredibly difficult thing for her to talk about. It went against her strong, independent nature. There is also a romantic part of her who felt that if I loved her, if I understood her well enough, then I should have just known, without her having to tell me. In fact, telling me would ruin the effect to a large degree -- it would be a form of her having to take control and dictate, which is the opposite of what she wanted. It took her many years, and a significant improvement in our relationship, just to give me a hint as to what she truly desired in our sexual relationship. It was then up to me to take that hint and figure the rest out on my own.

During my investigation of how to proceed, I found the Taken in Hand website, and in the course of reading over the articles, I wondered if what she really wanted extended outside of the bedroom as well. Using email as a form of non-verbal communication, I sent her a link to the site and asked her to look it over. In return, she sent back a reply indicating that the site looked "helpful" and was "so far, so good," based upon her initial review. She has rarely been that direct in face-to-face communication, and I don't expect her to be. I have enough to go on for now.

Over the past couple of months since these revelations, I have stepped up to the plate and taken charge of the relationship and the family in ways that I had not done previously. On the one hand, caring for and supporting my family, and cherishing my wife, are the easy parts -- after months of work at improving our marriage, I was pretty much there already. On the other hand, gaining my wife's submission outside of the bedroom will be a more gradual process: she is not one to give up power easily, nor will she give it up to a blustering fool. That is, I will have to conquer my strong-willed woman as if she were a heroine in one of her romance novels: a process that we have both thoroughly enjoyed thus far, and one that will never truly end -- I married a lioness, not a pussycat (and I wouldn't change that for anything).

The biggest benefit so far, for the both of us, has been a level of love, connection, and trust that is unprecedented in our marriage. Her surrender gives her a feeling of being protected, cherished, and cared for in a way that is deeper than she has experienced before. At same time, her surrender gives me a feeling of being trusted, admired, and needed in a way that is deeper than I have experienced before. For those who know their John Gray, you'll notice a direct comparison between what I have mentioned above and his listed "primary loves needs" for men and women in the Men are Mars, Women are from Venus book. Inside of the bedroom, the changes have been nothing short of remarkable. Unlike our beloved DQ, I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that my marriage is sex-starved no longer...and then some. While it may not work for every couple, this new relationship dynamic works extremely well for us, and in a most gratifying way.

Best regards,

Bagheera