Helping OW??

[fooled again]

I hear you all and I do understand where you are coming from. OW and I have a bit of history - we have talked and met on several occasions. There is no animosity, no anger, no accusations. It is a very strange thing to describe and likely many of you cannot understand why or how I could be talking to her. But somehow I feel at this point in time it is the right thing to do.

OW & I had agreed the last time that we would keep in touch. We didn't. H pulled us both back into his game. My gut told me to call her a couple of weeks ago. I didn't - that was when H called her. Could I have stopped H going back to OW by keeping in touch and letting her know that H and I were piecing? Perhaps, perhaps not. But we are also two women and in some strange way there is a connection, and through that connection we share an understanding. Am I using her? Partly, but she tells me I am helping her and she is helping me. And what is so wrong with that, I have to ask? I do not feel responsible for her.

H has no idea we are talking, though the thought has likely crossed his mind. Will I tell him? Not sure. Will she? Not sure. At this point H has isolated himself from both of us (well he did just call me a few minutes ago and reached out to me, but I'll talk about that later). What will talking to OW accomplish? Well for one, she is filling in some of my blanks and I hers. But of course I don't have to defend my actions - I just have to listen to my gut.

About the ultimatum, let's just say when I gave him my letter outlining the things we needed to do to rebuild our M, I did think very long and very hard about what I was about to do. True, every sitch is different, and ButterflyMom said to me in one of her posts that sometimes you have to do what you KNOW in your heart is the right thing to do, even if it goes against everything everyone around you is telling you. Again, it's about listening to that higher force that is guiding us. We have to find our own way through this, not simply follow instructions in a book. We have to try something new, monitor results, see what is working and what is not.

Sitting back and doing nothing has gotten H and I nowhere. I knew I had to draw a line in the sand. H likely has a long way to go b/f he is out of his MLC, and he does need to work through the process himself and figure out what he wants, who he is. I need for him to understand that I respect myself enough to not let him take me for granted anymore, not let him use me and play games w/ me. If he continues to see and talk to OW, if he wants to live on his own, if he wants to keep secrets, that is entirely his choice - I am not controlling or manipulating him. I am simply saying to him, "If you want to be with me, this is what I know that I deserve, this is what I expect from my H. You can choose to walk away from that if you can't do it and I will understand. But I cannot live the way I have been living anymore. I must let you live the way you want to live and I must be true to myself."

I appreciate everyone's advice and concern, truly, as I appreciate the advice and concern I have gotten from well meaning friends. This is my M, my family and I am fighting to save it with every fiber of my being. And I will trust in God or that higher being to show me what is the right path for me to reach my goals.

FA