I agree, he's an adult, he can use the $ he gets from his gigs to pay the dentist, I bet drugs aren't cheap, so he has to put his priorities in order, if I were you I wouldn't give him anything. I know I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth when I used to help stbx with stuff (not financially, but other little things) then I'd see the tag of the ow's on his car, reminding me that he went back to that crazy woman and has broken my heart thoughtlessly for months. He made his bed let him lay on it.
I know it is sad going downhill, and you are right, he is incapable of a healthy R due to his issues, our MC told stbx at the beginning that unless he treated his D, it'd be like a fog and we wouldnt be able to get to the core of our problems. Blaming the M is the easy way out, much easier than stop the drugs and going to the Dr., as Bridget said, they have to fall flat on their faces and hit rock bottom to give them a chance to see what mess they've gotten themselves in... sadly, even then some stay in the blaming course and never learn a damn thing (stbx is the poster child)
It's hard to let go hon, I truly do know how you are agonizing. Here is a link of when I still struggled to "save" my stbx and the great advice I got: (start reading from my post on Tues, Jan 22)
Hi all, I'm back from a visit to Portland (where I'm moving) and now I'm packing up all my stuff and getting ready for my move in 3 weeks. I'm still feeling stressed and I hope my immediate future will be ok. I'll be staying with my parents until I find a job. Although, I've applied for several jobs and signed up with a staffing agency I'm still worried about how long it will take for me to get settled on my own.
Also, D papers are in progress and H is trying to get every dime out of me he can. Unfortunately H doesn't make much money so he's coming up with everything he can think of that he might be able to get me to pay half before I leave. H has asked me to pay half of the dog vet bills (he's keeping the dogs), some house repairs(he's keeping the house), his dental bills, his credit card bill. He wants me to pay for rewiring the outlet in the 1st floor bedroom because I had a second line put in there and now he only wants the one phone line after I leave. So far I've said no. I mean this is ridiculous. Then he tells me that he wants 7 months time before refinancing the house to clean up his credit and past due bills. And he thinks the 7 months should not start until his bills are paid off, but he can't guarantee a date they could be paid off. So, basically he wants to perpetually postpone refinancing. Thank god I have a lawyer. H has a renter who's moving in Aug 1st (one of his bachelor friends) and H said he's looking forward to having 'someone else help pay for his mortgage' That's his attitude- get others to cover him. We have a number of joint debts I already have to pay half of, per the D papers. My lawyer said to me "He's costing you a lot of money!" She is trying to minimize the damage for me.
While I'm packing, H is checking out my stuff and asking if he can take some of my things. I got him to agree to a signed list of who will keep what, which will be filed with D papers. However, it doesn't stop him from asking about additional items all the time. Many times when I go to the store he asks me to get him something too. The word freeloader is completely appropriate here. The problem is that H refuses to get a regular job. He insists that his music and recording business will eventually make enough money to support him. (It hasn't in over 4 years now). So, H doesn't have monthly income. He has one freelance gig which pays 4-5 times a year.
Then, last night he had a show (H is musician) and possible OW?? showed up at our house with some of his friends. H made no mention of it, but today put his wedding ring away in a storage box but claimed it is not because there is an OW. Whatever. I don't think I should care anymore at this point. Of course, I took my ring off too.
Me 40 H 39 2nd M- 6 months No kids Previous D, 1st M DBer from 2003
Wow, you sound so strong and don't lose your resolve at this point.
And I think your H is getting a little long in the tooth to become a rock star anymore. My, how they delude themselves. My niece endured that bit of nonsense with her ex. He accused her of keeping him from the success he so richly deserved. The guy is remarried now and changes tires for a living. LMAO!!!!
Thanks Kimmie. Don't feel so strong today, though. Now that the D is officially underway, H's attitude is getting worse. Today, he angrily demanded that I pay to replace the tv remote control because the dogs chewed on it and it's not working anymore. The dogs grabbed it when my back was turned but H said I was supposed to be watching them (while he was out in the garage) so it's all my fault. My first instinct is that this is unfair, but I don't know whether it's worth a fight. H keeps bringing up other items like this he wants me to pay for too (garbage disposal, phone jack, dog's health care) Every day he's got something new. He's the one keeping the dogs and the house and the TV. Is this ridiculous or par for the course? Help.
Me 40 H 39 2nd M- 6 months No kids Previous D, 1st M DBer from 2003
Sorry that your ex is being such a jerk. You really don't owe him anything and at the most I wouldn't pay for anymore that your 50%. Exactly what is going to happen with the house? Once you leave will he be able to afford it? You are putting in the divorce papers that he will have to buy you out, right?
From what you've written it does sound as if he's being petty while looking to get as much out of you as he can. Stick to your guns and consult your lawyer before you give in to anything. It sounds as if he's already gotten a free ride for way longer than he should have.
NP You don’t owe EX for any of these things, don’t even get started down this path because once you start it will only get worse. Under absolutely no circumstances should you agree to sign the house over to EX until he refinances. In fact I would say that you shouldn’t leave the house until he refinances. If need be, insist that the house be sold and the mortgage should be paid off. His debt is not your problem, it sounds like you EX does not have a history of managing money well so if you leave your name on the mortgage I can almost guarantee that he will be ruining your credit with late payments and such. And yes, I’m speaking from personal experience here.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
hope you have a good list of what you want and take what you really want to keep, what a freeloader indeed! how can he even ask you to get stuff for him? hope you are not buying anything when he's askign you to. Heck no, dont' pay for anything else unless your name is on it and you have to (credit cards) let him spew, once you pay for one thing he'll go for more and more... cut it at the root, he needs to stop trying to take advantage of you. If he is keeping the house it's his problem, I kept the house, and even before the legal sep. paperwork when there was a leak I paid for it since I was going to be the owner (well, also stbx didnt' live there anymore). About the refinancing, do it when it is most convenient for you, he doesnt' want to be your H anymore, so there is no reason to accomodate him, bad enough you are waiting 7mhts, tell him that's the deadline and if he doesnt' get his act together too bad (seems that only a kick in the butt will get him moving)
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Just my thoughts, I wouldn't even wait the 7 months. I would insist that he refinance now, then he can take out enough to pay off his credit cards also. If he can't handle the payments then it's better to just sell the house now split any proceeds and get your name off the mortgage.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
I so agree with ALL. Why would you even consider giving him this extra time? Besides, you will be out of state, so making sure he follows through would be inconvenient to say the least. Besides, I would never go through with the divorce or leave with my name on anything. I hope you've already gotten to work on any joint line of credit and gotten them changes.
This is your chance at a clean slate & a new life. Don't let him screw it up for you.
