After a couple of hours I decided to call OW. Guess what? H had seen her a few times while we were supposedly piecing, wanted her to take him back, told her he loved her, didn't want to come back to life w/ me, couldn't stand the pressure. This was b/f his business trip - this was the shift I sensed. Remember kids, always listen to your gut. I think that feeling in your gut is actually God (or a higher being/force) trying to tell you something. Don't ignore it!
When H got back from his trip he had come straight to me, but did call her & told her he couldn't see her b/c he had D w/ him for a few days. Said he wanted to go to her cabin w/ her & would meet her there on Sun night. This convo took place while he was at his place getting some stuff for our camping trip (remember, camping trip was H's idea). H never intended to meet her at her cabin. She spent 3 days going crazy b/c he never showed. H hasn't called her since.
Okay, so now jumping forward to yesterday, I called OW & she called me back. We talked for several (maybe 3) hrs. We talked again today for about 4 1/2 hrs. OW has lots of questions, I told her I don't have the answers and I doubt H does either. She wants closure, I told her she may never get it. She wants to understand, I told her H doesn't even understand why he is doing what he does. Told her he was confused, lost, depressed, doesn't know who he is. Told her he likely can't see anything beyond himself, like he is in a room full of mirrors and it is ALL about him.
But my #1 message to her, and I repeated it several times in several different ways, was that I would never give up on H. I told her that I know that one day he will come back to me - it may take a week, a month or a year, but he will come back. She said she believes that is true and that she is really nothing (I didn't say anything to that - this is therapy, remember). I told her that H and I will always be connected by D and that she will always wonder what is going on between us. I reminded her that for the 2 1/2 yrs they have been involved, everything he has told her has been a lie. I told her that I believe H and I belong together, and that one day when he realizes where he belongs, I will be there, the door will always be open.
I guess in that moment I decided that I will stand for my marriage no matter what. But I think I will have to do it in a detached way, the way BFM did it. I don't know how long it will take, but I will never close the door on H. Go figure...
But my Ultimatum stands. When H is ready to come back to me, he must meet my conditions. I guess that is how I can stand my ground while leaving the door open. It was always up to him if he wanted to come home - I told him that it had to be his choice, not out of guilt or a sense of obligation, but he has to be ready to do the work.
So I will not call H now, but I will continue to talk to OW. She thanks me for listening to her, asks me if she can call me tomorrow. She is getting some understanding, I think, of what her R w/ my H was really all about. I know she wants to believe it was love, and I know it was love on her part, but the more we talk the more she seems to be accepting that she is only a part of a much bigger thing that H is going through. I'm not pushing the MLC idea, most people discount it as a cliche and I want her to keep talking to me.
She asked if she could call me tomorrow and I said yes, so there will be more.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
