Too late for DB for us, #9 (was in separated)

[cw68]

More journaling...

So I'm sitting here bored and lonely. The kids are in bed and I have nothing to do. I don't have a book I haven't read, am not much of a TV watcher, most of my friends are out of town or busy right now and I feel very alone.

Alone is an OK feeling for me, but right now I feel lonely. I'm sure part of it was that from last Sat. thru Weds. I was in NYC with my sisters with barely a moment to rest and constant company.

I just want to move on. I can't wait to move out of this house, even though I'm very bummed to sell it, but really not looking forward to packing everything.

Tonight I found our wedding album, which has been missing for over a year. Turns out it was behind a stack of DVDs the kids and I got out for movie night. They wanted to look at it. I kind of did too. Yes, it made me sad, but didn't break me or anything. What do I do with it? I think I'm going to ask H to save it for the kids, I do not want it in my house.

I need a job, a new place to live, a new life. I'm not looking forward to the work that all entails and really just wish I could skip ahead one year. Will I be past the anger?

D7 said a funny/sad thing tonight as we were talking at bedtime. She said that she was sorry I was sad and that Daddy hurt my heart. I told her I was too, but that we'd make the best of it. Then I said I hope that nobody ever hurts her heart. She just told me that when her husband dumps her, she's just going to kick him in the groin. (Yes, she used that word.) Or his stomach, just after he ate a lot of food.

Funny because of the food comment, but sad that she already assumes her husband will dump her. I just said that I hope that never happens to her. She then told me that I shouldn't let anyone hurt me again. I told her I didn't plan on it, but that I didn't plan on it in the first place either. Then she asked if I still loved Daddy, if I thought he ever really loved me. I know these questions are very predictable, but man, it hurts. My S5 told me earlier today that he doesn't remember what it was like when Daddy lived with us, that he doesn't remember us happy to be together. How sad.