One last chance!

[Astimegoeson]

Well, I have the list which is pretty similar to Ellie's except for...

- I need time to find out if there is still love in my heart for you, because I can't find it right now.


I have not discussed the list to her and I'm not sure if I want to. Last night, she went over to my Sister's to watch the fireworks display. This is an annual thing for my Family. She still loves the interaction with my Family because we are just fun people to be around. My family is not judgmental and let's face it, with 8 siblings, your going to have a few ex's. We are a close family and we are very functional which wasn't/isn't the case with her family. My stbx(?) tells me often how she misses my Family.

I almost didn't go over to my Sister's this year and I told her I probably wasn't going to make it this year. I was invited to another party a good friend of mine was having. He invites me every year and I can't make it most the time for one reason or another. I went over there first during the late afternoon, then right before the fireworks display, I went over to my Sister's. I wanted to be with my S8. When I got there, my S8 was ecstatic and ran up to hug me. Everyone greeted me.. a hug, a joke, and a laugh. This included my stbx (?). She looked me right in the eye and said...

"I was just thinking about you this very moment, and there you are on queue!" It doesn't feel the same here without you. I'm glad you came"

I didn't respond except with a smile and a nod of acknowledgement. I didn't know what to say to be honest. I'm still a little taken back with all of this.

We sat there and watched the fireworks from my Sister's back yard. We had a few beers and joked around, we talked, nothing really to do with reconciliation, just very relaxed and friendly talk.

I'm really struggling with this. I don't know if I still have feelings for her and I'm really enjoying my life the way it is now. I feel guilty and selfish about that. There was a time I would have taken her back in the wink of an eye, but I'm afraid to now. There is a battle raging in my conscience and the outcome is not clear at this point.

I need time to think about this. What do I say to her next time she hints at reconciliation that will give me time? I don't want to completely close the door on her, but I'm not ready to jump back in just yet.

There is something I have not been honest with everyone about. I have mentioned her in previous post, but I have not given a valid description of how involved we are. I've been intimately involved with OW since last march. She treats me like an absolute king and she is just smokin hot. She is definitely pushing my bad boy buttons.. lord have mercy on me. I think this may be influencing my judgement. I thought we were toast for sure. I held off on intimacy for almost 2-1/2 fricken years before I became involved with this OW. I tried to save my M, I thought it was over for sure. I'm weak!

Damn... maybe I'm going through MLC now.