Kind of not what I was talking about anyway. My comment was about the WAS desire not to have friends and family think badly of them in spite of their actions. I still believe actions have consequences and are a reflection of character. There are almost always mitigating factors, but the actions remain. But I wasn't really talking about WAS desire or lack thereof to "trash talk" LBS. And this particular LBS (me) doesn't do any trash talking either.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
. Not sure yet what I'll do the rest of the time. Maybe just relax in the hammock around the pool. Oh wait! I don't have a hammock or a pool! Dang!
cattle tank & lawn chair
Hey, when I was a kid I didn't know swimming pools were made bigger than a cattle tank! Grandpa would be so mad at us for swimming in the cow tank, said it scared the cows and they wouldn't milk that night. Hmmpphh! Just had to give a few extra squeezes and pumps and the bucket was still full.
As for the rest of the threadjack here at lodos place, my comments - I think WAS and LBS want all their friends to ask them what happened so we can all justify our actions to them. No one is 100% innocent or 100% guilty. You can nitpick apart a M until the WAS feels a good enough case to present when asked by friends. The LBS can say I never saw it coming!
As much as we all gather here and say how much alike our sitchs are, each one is still very unique and individual when it comes right down to it. In each of our lives we all have a last straw. That straw may not be the biggest on the pile but it was the last one to be put on the pile.
I do believe in my sitch that H's reputation is very important to him and he doesn't want me to trash him to our friends or family. That's one grudge he still holds that I did talk to ow, her friend and her H, and one of my friends - and H says HE can't trust ME! In time the truth comes out anyway or people will hear what they want to believe.
Hope this isn't too long for lodos thread, I know he likes to keep it short! How was your hike?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Wow - lots to respond to. Guess my thread has woken back up again.
gForce: "Funny how your W seems to be questioning you suspiciously about your R with your mutual friend.
I think what may be bothering W more is that mutual friends go out of their way to do things for me - mainly because I'm nice and friendly and let them know I appreciate whatever they do. W is withdrawn and just works, and I think deep down she knows she tends to push people away even though she's more socially engaging than I am.
bridgestone: "Maybe the WAS are trying to take the high road by not trash talkig about the LBS to friends who don't want to be put in the middle of a couple's marital discord."
That is certainly a valid point, although I think WAS do plenty of trash talking themselves - would they admit that or think they're justified? Both sides probably feel justified. In my sitch, I shouldn't have trash-talked, but that was re: the affair. And the sliding scale of justifications for the A. And advisor already suspected and was frustrated that STBXW wasn't presenting her side. And to put things in perspective, trash-talk was along the lines of "why wouldn't she say something" or "she thinks OM is her muse" or "she knew the A was misplaced emotions and a road to disaster but she still refused to approach working on the M because she was afraid it'd affect her career."
I only can view things in re: to my sitch, and STBXW said she was happy - not perfectly, but happy - until she slept with and got emotionally involved with OM. And then she shut down. And will only work. And advisor says it's affecting her work. So I agree with H4U - an A changes things completely.
bridgestone: "cattle tank & lawn chair"
So when I lived in the SW we had a 5' round stock tank up on cinder blocks. It took 2.5 hours to heat by building a fire underneath, and once you got the zen of it, you knew when to put on that last log so that just when the temp reached 104, there were nothing but coals and the bottom of the tank was cool enough to sit on.
WCW: "I think WAS and LBS want all their friends to ask them what happened so we can all justify our actions to them."
Ain't that the truth! But I've tried to temper that in my conversations and admit that I hadn't been giving W enough attention. Problem in our sitch is that I had asked for her support while I pursued my grad degree, with the understanding it would eat up a lot of my time. She said she'd be there for me and then bagged when her own interests came into play. Okay, fine. She didn't feel supported because I was at the library or in class. So I drop everything and take incompletes to make real change, and she says she doesn't want to take time away from her OWN grad degree to work on M. That would be called hypocrisy.
I think what may be bothering W more is that mutual friends go out of their way to do things for me - mainly because I'm nice and friendly and let them know I appreciate whatever they do. W is withdrawn and just works, and I think deep down she knows she tends to push people away even though she's more socially engaging than I am.
Lodo, you just described roomie and I and our best friends.
I knew you and I had a kinship
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I only can view things in re: to my sitch, and STBXW said she was happy - not perfectly, but happy - until she slept with and got emotionally involved with OM. And then she shut down. And will only work. And advisor says it's affecting her work. So I agree with H4U - an A changes things completely.
WCW: "I think WAS and LBS want all their friends to ask them what happened so we can all justify our actions to them."
Lodo you sound like you are doing so well, I hope to get there one of these days.
I so agree with you and H4U, and A changes EVERYTHING. My H has always prided himself on doing his job and being a good employee and since his A started, he has just been half-assed at best and then can't understand why there are people who don't like him at work...hmmmmm, let me ponder this. He seriously doesn't get it sometimes and I am certainly not the one to explain it.
My H doesn't want ANYONE to know about his A. He acts like its some big secret, still. Its really kinda funny in a sick way. Hes like a little kid with crumbs on his mouth, denying he had any cookies. Kinda sad.
Just wanted to put in my .02 fwiw. Have a great 4th and keep up all of the good things you have going for you.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I'm doing okay. Feeling a little isolated right now, but have lots to do so that's okay.
Have just been getting caught up on everyone's sitch. Not much to add, I'm afraid. No great insights. I mean, I do have opinions, but obviously my opinions proved none too spectacular in my sitch so don't know how useful they are for anyone else.
I guess we can all just try to be good, kind, and interesting people who are able to listen and empathize. If our WAS responds to that, great. If not, their loss. But it takes two and we can only go so far. I can be incredibly supportive of my W - I can't make her want that support. She and I connect on many levels, share many common interests, communicate extremely well, but our value systems have grown far apart and I don't respect the kinds of choices she makes. That's where I'm at right now. Doesn't mean I won't be nice, generous, interested. I just don't see her as a person of integrity.
Well, today I'm off to the coast ranges to do one of my favorite runs through the hills - you can look out on the ocean on one side and the bay on the other. Then I'm going for a bike ride - picked up a used Trek OCLV from a co-worker that I might buy. My old cannondale has seen better days!
Should be working on editing and papers, but the day is just too nice. I was at the farmer's market this AM and realized today was not a day to be inside!
Well, lodo, ya woulda been proud o' ol' Puppy tonite. Made some AWESOME St. Louis-style spare ribs on the grill. Brown sugar & chili powder (plus some other stuff) dry rub. Basting mop of apple juice, a little lemon juice, and soy sauce. Finished 'em off with some bbq sauce at the end -- mmmmm..... OK, so the sides were just some simple stuff -- baked red potatoes, salad, fresh broccoli and some leftover sweet corn from 4th of July. A good bottle of Australian shiraz and now I'm about ready to fire up a good cigar.
Sounds gooooood! Nothing better than spare ribs. But St. Louis?! You've got to be kidding me - you're talking to a KC man. That's right, Kansas City MO, the HOME of real bbq. They don't know nothin' in St. Louis! Remind me to send you some of my famous chipotle grilling sauce. I smoke jalapenos over mesquite chips for 48 hours, then grind up and stew for 12 hours with tomato sauce, brown sugar, onion, and some secret ingredients. EXCELLENT barbecue sauce!
The apple juice, lemon, soy I haven't heard of. I'll have to give it a try. And hey, simple sides are the best. Did you grill the corn? that's so good!
And I've become a big shiraz/syrah fan. Tasty!
I just picked a big batch of basil and froze about 2 qts of pesto. Now I'm getting ready to make burgers - mix in onion, egg, salt/pepper, & a little jalapeno. I'll grill for a bit, but leave it bloody. Serve it on sourdough rolls. There will be salad and beer (liquid bread) for the sides.
Hey bridgestone - no fallout. Advisor left town for a month. W called today with a story she wanted to share re: where we used to live. I listened, laughed, then said I had to go. She was spending the day working - I kicked my own butt running up some steep hills! Then a bike ride later - man it felt good to be on a newer bike. So light!! You're right gfi - it was time for a 'me' day.
Okay - burger time. enjoy your cigar Puppy. If you were here I'd offer some Graham's 20-year tawny to go along with.
