Now the hard stuff....Post ML affects. You may find yourself having the desire for more contact....DON'T.......
Do not change a thing about how you are behaving. This is a huge test of being able to lovingly detach.
4 months after my bomb dropped....xmas eve to be exact, W and I made love. I handled the act well, but the after act, I failed miserably. I pursued and thought that it meant more than it did. I chased the carrot.
Do not chase the carrot Brian. Let her lead the dance and you simply follow her lead. Allow her to make the next contact. Allow her to start any conversation about what happened. Do not be shocked if she tells you it was a mistake, they do that. Your W came out from behind her wall in a big way. Do not be surprised if she tucks her tail and runs back behind that wall. You just continue to make the outside of that wall as safe and comfortable for her as you possibly can ok. The more she feels safe and the more she knows that you are not going to freak when she comes out, the more comfortable she will become with being out from behind it with you.
I am very proud and happy for you Brian. You did great and you damn well better be patting yourself a bit on the back for the great work you did, not only with your wife, but with your kids as well. Trust me, they saw that you were not consumed with mommy and you spent time with them as well....very important.
One last thing and I will shut the heck up for you. Be prepared for a bit of a lull yourself. That contact may set you back a bit because you will now crave it again and it may be a while. You will hit the phase of "she made love to me, why the heck isn't she ready to work on this" It is completely normal to have a set back after this occurs. Come here, vent to us, do not let her see the setback. If she has any inkling that her coming out from behind the wall will hurt you, she won't do it anymore.
Ian
Ian, you are a GEM....I'm going to copy and paste this onto my own thread to refer to later. maybe I'll get a third chance to try to explain why I did exactly what you describe above to my h. Unfortunately, he got majorly hurt and p1ssed that i 'ran away'. Throw in mediation as well and he thinks I am being a b*tch, instead of me just trying to understand myself and take things slow and see if he can stick with his changes. Unfortunately so far, he can't stick with his changes. He reacts...not as bad as LostPhil, but nearly. _________________________
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
