How painful to shed so many tears. Do you feel it helped renewal? When I did yoga that one time and started crying, the teacher told me my body was releasing hurt, releasing bad memories.
I haven't been able to cry like that.. except after the birth of my second son where I cried non stop for 24 hours. I had a wet towel in one hand to cool off my face and another one to pat it dry. Goodness, my ribs were in incredible pain afterwards for days.
*hugs*
Hey Ms Gypsy K, hugs for your tears,
I didn't cry from the age of about 8 until about 24. I didn't know there was anything different about me. Until, one day I was making a commercial, standing around with hundreds of other people. The Challenger exploded. Everyone around me was touched in some way. I wasn't. I was cold, numb. I thought "I didn't know them, why would I care". That was the day I knew there was something really wrong with me.
Then, for years, I said, "if I ever start crying (for me) I'll never stop". So, I blocked the tears.
When the tears finally came, there were many times that I wondered if I'd ever stop. It was tremendously painful, at the time, body wracking painful. Those were the times I just wanted to go to sleep & not wake up. I wouldn't hurt myself, but if a meteor was going to hit the earth I wouldn't have minded if it hit me. Know what I mean.
But, in the long run, looking back on it now, it was healing. All those tears I never shed as a child. All that sorrow. All that pain. It had to be released. I couldn't keep swallowing it all. Choking it down. It was poisoning me & my marriage. Somehow, someway, I was able to distance it from my children. I ask my C all the time, how could I raise these amazing kids, when I was so lost myself. He said, "that love comes from a different place in the heart". I liked that answer.
It's really surreal at times. I never knew I could feel this peaceful. I never knew I could sleep this good. I never knew I could feel this safe.
There's a song by Rascall Flatts, "Moving On" It's been my theme song for about a year now. Here's the lyrics;
"""I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons Finally content with a past I regret I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness For once I'm at peace with myself I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces Each one is different but they're always the same They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it They'll never allow me to change But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone There comes a time in everyone's life When all you can see are the years passing by And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't Stopped to fill up on my way out of town I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't I had to lose everything to find out Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road I'm movin' on"""
It seems to fit me still.
hugs sweetie
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
