I have been posting on Newcomers but I thought it may be best to work with you all on some steps to get to piecing.
Let me introduce myself. Hello all, gald to be with you. ME 34 QT is my LL SO 36 Affirmation is his LL Sit Just about to get engaged, He walked Reasons..My selfishness, disrepect, taking him for granted all true. I took Sages list and personalized it. Please take a read.
Things that likely contributed to the breakdown:
1. putting so. behind all other things (family, work, working out) Staying with my ps on xmas eve not going to his sisters Workout and not go to his house My job change Complaining about going to ONE family party Staying at my ps instead of his house Being late to pick him up at airport
2. not hearing when so. talked (not hearing him because what he was saying was not blk and white) jealousy about time spending with my family Cycle of thinking of him and then 3 months later return to me
3. when I did pick up on signals (sarcastic remarks, that something is wrong with that statement) I would bring it up quickly and then pass it off, thinking that I brought it up so that was enough. Not sitting down with him and REALLY asking and taking the answer deeply. When I did I would say dont worry about that or there is no need to think that. DID someone say I need to validate? At bar bring up that money is an issue Different tastes in décor At home Depot making him talk to CS about my mirrors
4. not appreciating the things that so. did around the house Said he does work at my house just as if he would for anyone else
5. trying to control all decisions (did this out of fear;I know so sense of superiority;he thinks so THIS is so true. Choosing vacation plans out of country
6. selfish (because so does not make decisions I decided. See #5) My house, my vacation, my family
7. not telling showing him I accepting so for who he is (partly lack of appreciation) Asking him about going back to school Corrected him on his grammer
8. not letting so. really love me, really "get" to me (fear. fear. Fear bc of past R where I was the Giver and got walked on I turned the tables and had in my mind he has to PROVE it. Boy he did, right out the door)
9. not managing my reactions well to h.'s disclosures about himself (wanted it to be perfect or not face problems for fear of him walking away.) I thought I was good at this and I think I am good at this. Getting better but he opens up so infrequently that it is hard to do without guessing and I dont want to guess wrong and piss him off. He told me he wanted to buy a place and then turn it over so he could bring something to the table. I said that was great. 2 years went by and he never bought a place so I asked if we still had to wait to have him buy something and he said yes. Well this meant another 2 years. He still has not bought a place and he will rent another year again.
10. overanalyzing everything and then not analyzing enough (see #9)
12. not being "fun", being too "grown-up" (because I thought I was the only responsible one in the r. and wanted to move to committment) No late nights out at bars Festivals which he like I said are you going to do this until you are 40 Made comments on how he saved his money Saying I wanted to eat a place once a month and I did not plan it
13. Acting reckless in my behavior and taking him for granted (see #8) Asking for -something shiney- Got over emotional when I drank Picked him up late from airport Late to pick him up from his house Brought me dinner all the time Brought me gifts all the time All gifts related to ME and my likes Felt I did not know him as well as he knew me, asked me all the time what was his favorite-as if to test me- Showers always had to be hot At Gejas made him sit in section even though it was too hot for him
14. Getting upset because he was not being CLEAR about what he wanted and I hate mind reading. I would get upset and then turn to taking him for granted. (See #13)
15. not making an attempt to be interested in some of the things that interest him and if I did I was not pleased, it was like a chore. He asked about a place he wanted to go on a short trip. I dismissed it and said it was to cold. He was planning it for my bday and I dismissed it. It did not validate or appreciate all in one full swoop.
16. being disappointed when I didn't get my way. My facial expressions showed this all over. I rarely said, thats a great idea.
17. always wanting my way. Know it all, what an ugly trait. I dont eat meat so dinners at home were veggie. He brought me pasta sauces one night and I said how great which one do you want and he said neither if I wanted pasta I would have gotten meat sauce. I went ahead and made pasta for me.
18. making is seem like "his way" was almost right...but with this slight "my way" edit. Actually, he did this to me more than him
19. not seeing his romantic side. not seeing his vulnerable side.
20. being a naysayer (either directly or through silence) -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals (fear, fear, fear. need for control) His desire to have a summer home I put down bc he did not even buy one place here yet
21. simply not appreciating everything that he offered every day.
Not saying please and thank you Not putting out his gifts like the carving board Not getting up to answer the door when he came over Not giving him the signed tickets to get out of my place Just common courtesy
22. Interpreting his "moods" and "silences" as things are ok, dont rock the boat. WRONGOLA.
All the time, but he never opens up bc he is afraid to hurt me
