It's great that you are aware of this need of your H and are working to meet it! Wow!
(And here's hoping he will eventually reciprocate, and reciprocate BIG TIME!)
I have always thought I did a splendid job of validating my H's feelings, but as we've dealt with his MLC, two separatioins, and both of our subsequent depressions, I've had to learn to do this differently.
For one thing, in the eyes of my WAH, I don't do anything right.
Since we're not dealing with a rational person all the time, I can't counter this belief of his rationally, so I just agree with him.
"You're right, I guess I'm not that great with ..."
...driving (HA! I negotiated the LA freeways alone recently) ...computers (HA! I work with electronic files for a living) ...real estate (HA! I refinanced the house myself)
At least I get some amusement out of this. I guess you could call this "ligtening up" aboout criticism. A real benefit of DB-ing for me. Sometimes even he laughs.
So some of my DB-ing has included just admitting I'm not right, and asking him for his opinion. I show my H humility. He stops ranting at me.
It's like dealing with a teenager -- ya gotta realize it is a phase they have to go through (make you wrong) before they can grow up.
(Gee I sure hope they do grow up some day. I see signs this is happening... but it takes a long time.)
Well, humility disarms him and helps him approach me more often. Sometimes he even defend me -- "hey, you're not that bad a ..."
...dog walker (like duh my volunteer work is dog rescue) ...writer (like duh it's been my hobby since kindergarten) ...cook (like duh you eat here just about daily)
I say "I'm sorry, I may have over-talked you just now. Tell me again what you mean."
And let him ride my case ("That's right, you always interrupt..." or whatever other complaint he has), and I don't get defensive. So he comes around more often, tells me more things, and seeks me out frequently to share. Makes me happy. Of course, I'm hoping I get a turn, too, eventually...
The wisdom of "he's teething" and "they don't mean what they say" -- and learning about MLC traits overall -- has helped immensely.
It's hard. My H's thinking has been exclusively negative and he globalizes negative -- which is very unhealthy.
He's feeling angry and misunderstood and takes it out on me -- which is unfair.
But I don't take to heart his downer words (though they have made me cry a lot of hot tears I don't show him). I listen, count to ten, count to ten again, breathe deeply, then commiserate. "It's hard to be out of work so long. It must be upsetting."
I cheerlead when he's positive in any way.
It took a lot of discipline to put my own needs aside and listen, while H was chasing coeds around town.
But the listening (and sandwiches at our kitchen table) were things those coeds could NOT provide -- and over time these have drawn him back into my circle.
Patience necessary here. Don't expect immediate results. But like Michele says, though they look grumpy on the outside, your kindness and even-handedness will be noted somewhere inside them, and will help knit the bond again.
Takes time. But every day you're building muscle -- character muscle -- and it's awesome.
Seems I went on for a long time, didn't I?
We'll talk again soon. Let us know how things progress. You're looking good -- and you've opened an exciting topic.
