Sorry, wish I knew how to post my previous threads with out having to put the whole dang thing.
Thanks for the check in, guys. I really appreciate anyone who can stop by and post any words. Letting me know what ya'll think I'm doing right or doing wrong. I take it all in.
I hope that EVERYONE had a great 4th.
wdid, at the doctor appoint, roomie mentioned that she still hadn't sign a lease. They told her that apartment should be ready on Aug. 1, but that she wouldn't have to sign until closer to the date. She didn't seem sure.
Supposedly.
Not sure what I do at this point. I have tried everything, it seems. The way she talks about the marriage, like it has just been over for some time, now. Unfixable. To her, we do not have a marriage. Thats why, outside of church, she seems so at peace with it.
Again, supposedly.
Thursday night, roomie did call me. At about 10:45 she called from the grocery store asking if I could think of anything we needed. I again told her that I couldn't think of anything. She mentioned needing to buy dog food. "Ok, I'll be home soon", she says. OK.
She gets home and ended up buying more than what she went for. Of course. I didn't ask her anything. I didn't tell her hello. She told me hello, so I answered. I stayed quiet with her and she tried to engage me in talking. I answer. Short answers. The girls show her the cookies they made, and offer her some.
A little tv together, later. Then everyone to bed. We hit the sack. Purse next to her side of the bed. I face my way, she faces her. She tells me goodnight. Goodnight.
In the morning, I am up and making our coffee. I wake up nephew to get ready for work. I have to give him a ride. Roomie wakes up and comes and tells me goodmorning. We are still trying to figure out something cheap to do for the day. We haven't really talked about it. I know roomie bought stuff from the store that made it look like she wanted me to barbeque. Maybe later. I take nephew, come back and roomie had made breakfast. We all sit and then watch something on tv again. Later, I am washing some clothes and roomie decide to clean off her dresser and go through ALL of her jewelery and straighten out the mess she has.
I am still quiet with her. Not trying to engage any conversation. She is trying to, though. Soon the girls are in on her jewelery action. Sorting. I go and sit in the room and roome keeps showing me things. D11 asks me to help untangle a couple of necklaces. There we are. All of us sitting on the floor in th middle of our room. Roomie trying to be nice. Me being quiet. I clean out a jewelery box I have. I find an old card from some flowers she had sent me years ago for our anniversary.
It said: "Thank you for the past 4 years. I love you so much. Your loving wife, Clarissa."
Roomie is cleaning out her junk drawer too. All my recent cards are in there. Like 10 of them. I thought I heard a loud thump of her throwing them all out. I saw them in a pile, however. She is keeping them.
We finish and the D's go off to get ready for the day. Roomie finds a hairpiece. The circular kind that fits over a bun. Roomie shows me. We are still sitting on the floor.
She opens it up and says, "Stick it in." "What do you WANT me to stick in it?" I ask her.
She gives a flirty look.
"What the hell is that?" "A hair piece." "A hair piece?" She makes a bun in her hair and puts it on. "Oh."
I get up an leave. What world do I live in?
We decide to be tourists today. Walk around downtown San Antonio. Rivercenter Mall. Maybe the Alamo. Stuff out in front of the Alamo. Tourist shops. Then maybe cool off at the Waterpark at Fiests Texas Six Flags.
In another words, the family thing again.
My mother calls. D11 has been asking to go over. I told her not today, because our day is planned already. I actually did not take the call. I will call her back later. Roomie and I work today, so I was going to ask if the girls could go stay with her. I just don't feel like talking at that time. Roomie looks at me strange. She asks if things are ok. I just say yeah, I just don't feel like talking to her.
I had alreay told roomie that things were strained with my parents. They can't understand why I just don't cut and run. Get custody of D's. Hang her out to dry. They don't even know about OM. Just that she is not happy and wants out. She has told them.
Mom call back while I am shaving. We make arrangements for today. Take them before I go to work. She wants them to stay until Monday night. She is off on Monday too. I say ok.
Roomie and I are sitting at the kitchen table figuring out the day. I ask her if she wanted me to barbeque. She says yes. She asks what my mom said. I tell her. She asks if they are mad at me. "Is it because of me?" "I don't know. And I don't care. It's our situation. Together." "I thought it would be your dad that would still talk to me. I thought your mom would have stopped talking to me. Your dad just ignores me. Your sister, too. She just leaves the room." "I don't care. I don't care what they think." "I'm surprised your mom does talk to me. That or she just talks to me because of the girls."
I give a slow nod. Not trying to agree, just acknowledging what she said. It IS true, though. Everything she said.
"Don't they understand that this is about you and me? Not them." "Our situation affects more than just you and me." "What does that mean?" I repeat, "What's going on with us affects more than you think." "Why should it?" "It affects not just us. It affects a lot of people that you don't realize. Our friends, my family, even your family."
I was getting ready to give her examples of her aunt, uncle and cousin in Laredo, but the girls came inside.
Then the aunt from Laredo calls. They are talking. Ends up, they are coming to visit next weekend.
We go do the tourist thing. Mall first. Hit a lot of stores. I keep watching roomie in some short shorts. I wish I could comment on how good she looks. I consider, then come to my senses. Shop to shop. It starts to pour rain outside. Roomie says it is thundering and lightning because we walk out of each store without buying anything. At one store, she keeps bringing me candles to smell.
She keeps trying. I try to resist, but keep falling in. I feel like Al Pacino in the Godfather. She keeps pulling me in.
D's get a little hungry. We decide on Cinnabon. I order for D's. I ask roomie what she wants. "Why don't we share a coffee and a cinnamon roll?" Ok, I say.
Rain stops and an Andean music group is outside playing in the courtyard. We find a spot outside on the river to listen and eat. We have to stand, however. I cut up some of the roll and offer roomie the fork. The takes a bite and walks around. With the fork. She gives me some coffee. I offer the roll to her again. She eats and steps away to look at something. She comes back to offer more coffee. I motion for the fork. I take a bite. She looks at me and says,"I thought you had your own fork." I say no.
She starts to crack up. Really crack up. "I was wondering why you weren't eating." She is grabbing my arm. Cracking up. "I'm sorry." Slaps my shoulder. She can't contain herself. She is making me laugh. She again grabs my arm. "I'm so sorry. You must be thinking, 'What a rude ass!'" I say, "Yeah, what the hell." She continues to crack up and then composes herself.
The rest of the day went like that. Us hanging out. Checking out stores. Her showing me stuff. Me commenting on it. Us talking to small shop owners. I didn't act pursuing by any means. Just looking around with her and enjoying the day with her and the kids. Good times. Walking outside in front of the Alamo, we keep on walking even though it is raining again. The girls are having a blast. We stop and look at memorials and statues. Big steps up to the memorial. We are reading the names of the ones who died at the Alamo. I offer a hand to help roomie up the big step.
At one point, before getting to the Alamo, D11 and I are picking on each other. She loves to pull my shirt and hang on me. She likes to take it a little too far. I scold her, "Okay, Amanda, enough. Your stretching out my shirt." Then roomie chimes in. "Amanda, your going to upset your father. Stop it! Do want to put him in a bad mood?" Wasn't sure how to take it. Earlier at the Disney store, looking at shirts together. T-shirts on sale. I show her one with Grumpy on the front. "For me or you?" she says laughing. I say both of us.
Later at another store, we see a hat that says "I feel a mood coming on" She points it out to me and says perfect for D11. I see it and give her a look. I say perfect for you. She again laughs and agrees.
Is it possible to hate and love spending time together, all at the same time.
Stop at a shop full of hats before walking back to the car. We are all cracking up trying on crazy hats. Roomie is taking pictures of us. I take some of her. We are all cracking up at a funny mirror. Finally going home, we cut through the mall and stop at the Candy Factory. Each D get to choose thier own. Roomie keeps asking what kind I want and for me to choose some, too. She tells me to smell this one and that one and look at these and those look delicious.
Fifteen bucks later, we head home. Driving home, we see fireworks going off all over. It was beautiful. Downtown. Military bases. A local lake. Fireworks everyway where look while on the interstate. Roomie asking me to try this candy. Try that one. Get home and at 10:00 at night, we are cooking dinner. She cooks and then asks me if I would cut up the meat. I do. We sit and watch Spiderwick while eating beef fajita salads.
During the movie, D6 asks, "Is that going to be us, momma? Us living in somewhere different? Are we going to a hotel, momma?"
"No, it is an apartment", roomie says.
If ya'll haven't seen the movie, its about a mom moving her family to a family home. Ends up dad was having an affair.
1am we all head for bed. Roomie says she will take D's to my parents house in the morning before work. She hangs purse on closet door, like she used to. We shower and to bed. She gives me a very tired, happy souning, breathy goodnight. I pause. Goodnight. Like she was saying thanks for a great day.
This morning, I get us up. Get D's up. I make coffee. Roomie starts to make breakfast. I am quiet again. I can tell she doesn't like it. Faces. Getting ready to leave, I see roomie making a snack bag for her long day today at work. I see her making herself some breakfast tacos. I finish up in room, thinking to myself what a selfish bit**. I know she ain't gonna make some tacos for me. I'm GLAD that I'm not doing sh** for her anymore. Unappreciative bit**!
She calls out from the kitchen, "Do you want some tacos to take with you?"
Doh! I pause. "Sure" I say before I can stop myself. I should have said not thanks.
We now the the weekend to ourselves. I have no idea what is going to happen. I know I should get out and do my own thing. I'll do some things after work and then head home and do some things around the house.
Why do I feel like I need to hang around to see if roomie wants to do something together? I will not make any plans. At least not with her.
Maybe I'll have my own movie night, tonight. We are both short on funds, anyway. Up to her if she wants to hang around. Make myself a good dinner. She shouldn't be home until around 7pm anyway. IF she comes home. She may decide to do something right after work. GOOD. Get the evening to myself. Then church tomorrow. Maybe by myself.
Do ya'll see what I see? Am I just fooling myself? I mean, I'm not crazy, am I? Should I keep the hope? I don't think I'm retarded, but GOD HELP ME! She confuses the hell out of me. Is this the way someone who wants out of a marriage is supposed to act towards me? Is it because I let her? Why doesn't she withdraw from ME? Is her trying to engage me just mean she is a psyco?
The countdown continues.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
