"Can you help provide some clarity on what you mean by : 'I don't need to make excuses for him anymore.'?"
I was justifying his actions based on my shame and my feelings of inadequacy. He never would have left if I wasn't to blame. I had to make sure every knew I was half, if not more, responsible for the reason for his leaving. People had to know how I hurt him years ago.
And you know what's hitting me now? That's the same message I felt for the sexual abuse I had as a child. Somehow it was my fault.. I didn't do enough to stop it, I was flawed, damaged, a poor communicator. It was all me, it was all about me. I'd speak up. He'd listen. Time would go by. I'd feel attacked when he'd try to make suggestions and be defensive. I couldn't talk. I'd tell him not to back away.. even though I was defensive I was listening.
Sometimes he'd yell at me and I'd get so angry, something would click in my brain. It's like I was jumpstarted into action. Very strange.
As an adult, you take responsibility for your actions. I'm accepting mine. I don't need to take responsibility for his, nor should I. I still have trouble accepting that someone I viewed as having such high moral and ethical principles would do this. I can't believe this whole sordid event is happening. It's his journey. And I don't hold on to someone who doesn't cherish being with me (though I kept hoping he would change his mind.) It was an unequal partnership.
As a friend once told me. "Kathleen, you're the total package. When it comes to your spouse, remember one word... karma." The more time goes by, the more it makes sense. It's not my place to judge him., It's my responsibility to be healthy and live my life.
He knows where I am if he wants to find me, again.
