" How did he change the marriage without telling you? Just curious...I'm wondering if your light bulb moments can help speed up my own."
When the bomb hit, he told me he'd been miserable for years. That he'd felt a commitment to the family so he compromised how he would stay married. That's when he did the 'buddy marriage' in his eyes. Occasionally he'd mention we were more buddies than anything. I'd always say I didn't get married to be a roommate. I never put two and two together.
He did this (now that I look back on this) by emotionally and physically withdrawing. Because of his history of manic-depression he'd always been hyper sensitive about being touched. I'd respect that and wait for him to come out of it. His withdrawal was something I was used to. He started to not want sex.. or refer to it as a 'sleep aid'. I froze up, probably feeling something was missing (and at one point due to my own online interactions). I'd talk about what I needed to feel safe, how could we be closer, what could we do. His reply was, "Yeah, you would think that." I accepted that even poor sex made the body feel good, a deep relaxation.
I remember going to bed feeling alone. I'd talk to him about it sometimes and he'd talk about not wanting to be touched. It got to the point where I would not even go near him, cuddle while sleeping because he would hit me in his sleep. Things would fluctuate enough that we'd be close, then there'd be a withdrawal.
There was always tension to the point it seemed normal. The tension always came from me not doing enough, his concern that I was getting lost online even though I'd stopped chatting, I was at fault and/or always felt nothing I did was good enough.
When he wanted to change from a queen-sized bed to a king, I was a wreck. At least in a queen we'd brush against each other. And I could arouse him, satisfying him greatly in different ways. In the king I was afraid I would be alone in a bed.. which I was. I kept waiting for things to change.
I'd broach the subject on a regular basis. No he didn't want or believe in counseling, something that weak people did. He'd say it would all depend on my actions. I felt paralyzing guilt and nothing I did mattered anymore. We both slipped into survival mode. When he dropped the bomb it was a terrible feeling I'd never known. In the recesses of my mind I'd wondered what my response would be if that ever happened. The answer was simple. I wanted my family, my marriage and him.... no doubt the wrong order.
Immediately after the bomb, he wanted to live his own life and left. I kept asking "Where was I in this decision? Where was I when you changed the marriage? Why wasn't I part of the decision making process? Why wasn't I asked what I wanted?" The answer.. he didn't include me, only how he saw it could work for him. I was relieved when he dropped the bomb that finally it was on the table, that finally we could work on it. What a wonderful feeling that was.. to be able to tackle the challenge together. By then for him it was too late. He'd found something worth leaving for... of course, without telling me.
His marriage, his compromise, his decision.
My codependence. my overriding fears, my defensiveness... my denial.
So now, I work on me, feeling better in some ways than I have in years.
About going numb... I just stopped feeling, gave up. Playing online games, zoning out clicking endlessly once I stopped chatting were numbing activities. I just didn't want to feel.. my way of withdrawing.
