My Fourth of July was good. Went to a poolside party with some of my DivorceCare and church friends. I had custody of S7 and he went with me to the pool. It was fun.
I then dropped S7 off at his mother's. She took S3 and S7 to a baseball game far away east -- I suspect because it's close to OM.
I got a bit upset last night because I snooped on W's computer. She had a link in her browser history to a MeetUp page for some guy with the same name as OM -- turned out it couldn't have been OM since this particular guy lives about three hours west of here, not east. (Still, why did W have a link to this person if not?)
I mention this because the MeetUp's this person was interested in involved Wiccan, Tarot, Witchcraft, Herbalism and other New Age, Anti-Christian junk. It alarmed me greatly she might be exposing our S's to such insanity. Thankfully it doesn't appear so.
Nevertheless I didn't sleep well last night. I got up this morning and wrote W another follow-up email:
Quote:
Actually, I've got more to say on this -- a lot more -- but I will just say this (please hear me out):
I am sorry you don't really know who I am anymore. I'm sorry you don't know who you really are anymore as well.
Because of ignorance, pride, selfishness, dishonesty and blindness, we have both suffered, needlessly, in the latter part of this marriage by each other's actions and inactions. In the last year alone, I personally have suffered more pain and more agony than I thought was ever possible. But through the midst of that turmoil I have found, ironically, what true joy really is. Yes, me, Mr. Depression himself.
God Almighty uses adversity to wake us up and to get a word edgewise into our self-absorbed lives. He did so with me, and I even though I still have pain, so too have I joy. It amazes me, and yet it shouldn't.
You see, for most of our lives we've both been wrong and immature about what happiness is and what a marriage is supposed to bring to us. You have been under the mistaken notion that a spouse's job and responsibility is to make the other happy, and when that doesn't happen, the marriage is over. You express a large degree of entitlement that just doesn't have any foundation in His plan, for life or for marriage.
Happiness is fleeting, but true joy comes not of other people but from God and accepting Christ as our savior -- and it encompasses both happiness and sorrow, good times and bad. You don't find happiness or joy through marriage without God. Marriage brings joy but only through God. The joy that God provides through the Holy Spirit gives us the serenity to persevere through it all, come what may, knowing that His Kingdom awaits us.
His gift of joy is given like His grace -- we need only accept it. It's our choice.
Despite the fact you seems to think I am trying to "entrap" you again, or something like that, you need to understand that it really doesn't matter if I want you back or not. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that that is not even what is most important here.
All that matters is that God wants you back.
That's what He keeps telling me. Everywhere I turn, every prayer I make with Him, every time I get down and try to converse with Him, I cannot escape it. He says to me, "Leave her to me. I want her back and that is all that matters right now."
I have been trying to do that. For the sake of S7 and S3, because of my love for them and, yes, for you, I am willing to trust and have faith in the Lord. I pray now that you will truly and honestly listen to Him, even if you never listen to me ever again on anything else.
Yeah, I know she's likely to not hear any of this, and she's more inclined to go the opposite direction given the message comes from me. It's a bit preachy, even for her. But I felt compelled to say something. It's not all about me. It's not all about her. It's about God and the greater good.
