Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Bridgestone]

Yes I would send the email if I hadn't have been bitten so many times before for pussy footing around. Okay...I just sent the damn email okay!?

okay... I know you're not angry at me. It sounds like you're scared and anxious and I understand that. It's ok to be those things when you try something new and you're not sure how someone you care about is going to react. Especially when they react they way the do!

I'm going to recommend a book to you that I have found very helpful to me. It's called "Letting go of Shame".

Ron & Patricia Potter-Efron wrote it.

I bought DR as well as 'Loving Him without Losing You' the other day.

That was one of my first after the verbally abusive ones. It helped me a LOT!!

I have a bit of an addiction to music, DVDs and self help books since about April (when I had a bit of spare cash and now it's spinning out of controooool...nah just jokes)

Me too! Listening to Disptach here this morning: two coins

does your library carry audiobooks? I've looked at mine but nothing of substance.. I used audible.com

[Purple]

Yeah our library has audiobooks, but it's usually Jane Eyre type stuff.

Heh...I realised when I read my post again after reading your reply that it could have been taken that I was peeved. I'm not...at least not at my friends here. More angry at myself that I am not getting anywhere on my journey. Right now I'm peeved that I am having trouble working out whether being anxious is actually 'me' or if being anxious is 'not me' and is the result of everything that has happened. Okay...let me think about that a little more. I've always been anxious and not wanting to hurt peoples feelings. Now, just becuase I have always been that way, does _that_ mean that's who I am? I hope not. I don't really want to be like that. I know I can change, I just don't know if it's possible to do it and carry on a relationship that needs a whole lot of work.

I've got the Verbally Abusive Relationship, His Needs Her Needs, the 5 Love languages, Boundaries; Eat, Pray, Love; You don't have to take it any More: Co Dependent No More; Facing Love Addiction; Where to Draw the Line; How to give a Mind Blowing BJ; Transform Your Life; Loving and Listening; Women who Love too Much; Healing your emotional self.....and several more that I've borrowed from the library. Phew...I'm tired now!

Hmm...dispatch? Haven't heard of them/him/it?

[Bridgestone]

I'm going to get the important thing out of the way first.. did you think I wouldn't read the whole list so you buried it in between the others??

Co Dependent No More; Facing Love Addiction; Where to Draw the Line; How to give a Mind Blowing BJ; Transform Your Life; Loving and Listening

too funny!! Was it good? Did you learn something? Inquiring minds want to know!! Of course, not sure what I'd do right now with any tidbits of information that book may have it!

Yeah our library has audiobooks, but it's usually Jane Eyre type stuff.

and definately not the above mentioned one!

Heh...I realised when I read my post again after reading your reply that it could have been taken that I was peeved. I'm not...at least not at my friends here.

I know.. it's ok, didn't take it that way.

More angry at myself that I am not getting anywhere on my journey.

where are you headed? Why do you say you're not getting anywhere? Or are you just not getting where you want to go as quickly as you want to get there? Or is the place you though you wanted to go not looking like the right place to go to now?

I've always been anxious and not wanting to hurt peoples feelings. Now, just becuase I have always been that way, does _that_ mean that's who I am? I hope not. I don't really want to be like that.

so you want to hurt people's feelings?

Or are you tired of hurtin/denying your feelings when you are doing things that don't hurt theirs?

I know I can change, I just don't know if it's possible to do it and carry on a relationship that needs a whole lot of work.

You can't change you without the R changing as well. The other option is to work on the R without changing you, which seems sort of pointless? It will take work.
sounds like you're up for it!

' His Needs Her Needs,

have heard much about this one.. maybe will pick it up on my next month's purchase from audible.

Hmm...dispatch? Haven't heard of them/him/it?

An indpendent label band .. had a reunion concert in NY a year ago.. central park I think.. 300,000 people.


Here's probably their most popular song to date:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMD5Pptc-JQ

not my favorite but probably most air play time.

[Purple]

I'm going to get the important thing out of the way first.. did you think I wouldn't read the whole list so you buried it in between the others??

Co Dependent No More; Facing Love Addiction; Where to Draw the Line; How to give a Mind Blowing BJ; Transform Your Life; Loving and Listening

too funny!! Was it good? Did you learn something? Inquiring minds want to know!! Of course, not sure what I'd do right now with any tidbits of information that book may have it!

Tee hee....I actually just transferred my list of books (I wrote them up a while ago) and thought it'd be funny to put that in. I do actually own it and bought it at the same time as I bought the um, opposite sex one for h. Unfortunately it doesn't appear that he read it very carefully :(. I, however, pored over my copy and put it to good use...

oops gotta go...d7 has woekn up..later

Yeah our library has audiobooks, but it's usually Jane Eyre type stuff.

and definately not the above mentioned one!

Heh...I realised when I read my post again after reading your reply that it could have been taken that I was peeved. I'm not...at least not at my friends here.

I know.. it's ok, didn't take it that way.

More angry at myself that I am not getting anywhere on my journey.

where are you headed? Why do you say you're not getting anywhere? Or are you just not getting where you want to go as quickly as you want to get there? Or is the place you though you wanted to go not looking like the right place to go to now?

I've always been anxious and not wanting to hurt peoples feelings. Now, just becuase I have always been that way, does _that_ mean that's who I am? I hope not. I don't really want to be like that.

so you want to hurt people's feelings?

Or are you tired of hurtin/denying your feelings when you are doing things that don't hurt theirs?

I know I can change, I just don't know if it's possible to do it and carry on a relationship that needs a whole lot of work.

You can't change you without the R changing as well. The other option is to work on the R without changing you, which seems sort of pointless? It will take work.
sounds like you're up for it!

' His Needs Her Needs,

have heard much about this one.. maybe will pick it up on my next month's purchase from audible.

Hmm...dispatch? Haven't heard of them/him/it?

An indpendent label band .. had a reunion concert in NY a year ago.. central park I think.. 300,000 people.


Here's probably their most popular song to date:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMD5Pptc-JQ

not my favorite but probably most air play time.

[sofaraway]

Purple, try and remember you are still at the infant stage of all of this stuff. If you have too high of expectations for yourself you will continue to feel like you aren't getting anywhere when in all actuality you are.

Look for the small victories. Look for the small improvements in you and your H. Try not to confuse your current reactions with who you are. When w person is going through this their reactions are generally driven emotionally rather than logically. It does not define who you are at all, it merely states that you are human and your emotions are leading your actions.

Co Dependent No More; Facing Love Addiction; Where to Draw the Line; How to give a Mind Blowing BJ; Transform Your Life; Loving and Listening

I completely missed the 4th title when I read your post.... You crack me up.......


Ian

[smartcookie]

Hi Purple, did I come on too strong ? If so, I'm sorry.

[Purple]

Originally Posted By: sofaraway

Now the hard stuff....Post ML affects. You may find yourself having the desire for more contact....DON'T.......

Do not change a thing about how you are behaving. This is a huge test of being able to lovingly detach.

4 months after my bomb dropped....xmas eve to be exact, W and I made love. I handled the act well, but the after act, I failed miserably. I pursued and thought that it meant more than it did. I chased the carrot.

Do not chase the carrot Brian. Let her lead the dance and you simply follow her lead. Allow her to make the next contact. Allow her to start any conversation about what happened. Do not be shocked if she tells you it was a mistake, they do that. Your W came out from behind her wall in a big way. Do not be surprised if she tucks her tail and runs back behind that wall. You just continue to make the outside of that wall as safe and comfortable for her as you possibly can ok. The more she feels safe and the more she knows that you are not going to freak when she comes out, the more comfortable she will become with being out from behind it with you.

I am very proud and happy for you Brian. You did great and you damn well better be patting yourself a bit on the back for the great work you did, not only with your wife, but with your kids as well. Trust me, they saw that you were not consumed with mommy and you spent time with them as well....very important.

One last thing and I will shut the heck up for you. Be prepared for a bit of a lull yourself. That contact may set you back a bit because you will now crave it again and it may be a while. You will hit the phase of "she made love to me, why the heck isn't she ready to work on this" It is completely normal to have a set back after this occurs. Come here, vent to us, do not let her see the setback. If she has any inkling that her coming out from behind the wall will hurt you, she won't do it anymore.


Ian


Ian, you are a GEM....I'm going to copy and paste this onto my own thread to refer to later. maybe I'll get a third chance to try to explain why I did exactly what you describe above to my h. Unfortunately, he got majorly hurt and p1ssed that i 'ran away'. Throw in mediation as well and he thinks I am being a b*tch, instead of me just trying to understand myself and take things slow and see if he can stick with his changes. Unfortunately so far, he can't stick with his changes. He reacts...not as bad as LostPhil, but nearly.
_________________________

[Purple]

Hi Purple, did I come on too strong ? If so, I'm sorry.

No no no....u didn't. I guess it has made me really pause and wonder if I'm posting truthfully or if I am posting truthfully and things really are that crap in my marriage (in terms of manipulation adn control). tbh I feel guilty for posting information like that becuase when I look back, I can see plenty examples where I have done the same back to him.

I've actually been checking the other website cos you said you were going to pm me again. I got yer first one.

[smartcookie]

Okay, I was worried that I got on my soap box & came on too heavy. I can do that when I get all fired up at a DAM.

Did you get the 2nd one yet ?

[Purple]

going to check now...can't stay though. Have to go to water polo this a.m.