I feel I need to bring up the coming to the house thing (again). I don't want to talk about it with him, that has not gone well in the past so I'm thinking of sending him the email below....
Hi There,
On Thursday when I came home, I found the mail on the kitchen bench. I am assuming that means you came home to do something. Even though we are mostly communicating by text and email at the moment, I’m hoping that I can write my request down as talking about this is nerve wracking for me because we have not been able to compromise on this in the past. If we can appreciate how the other person feels, it will bode well for us to get along in the future.
I realise there are times that you will need to come to the house. However, I do ask that you let me know beforehand that you are going to go to the house and why. It’s not about hiding stuff, it’s about respect for my space. I felt uncomfortable as I looked around the house and worried about the washing up that I hadn’t done and that things weren’t as neat as I would have like if I had have known you were popping around or if I had have been here. And then I worried about what books I had left out and while my head tells me that you wouldn’t snoop through my writings, there is a fear that you could have done so without me knowing. There is nothing here that I don’t actually want you to see but I would appreciate having the choice about what you see about my life. It makes me uncomfortable to have my living space entered without me knowing.
I believe I have said this before in counselling and I think in face to face conversations with you - it’s not about preventing you coming to the house, it’s about me feeling that you respect my space and privacy. I don’t have access to your place and whilst you legally have a right to be in our house, it is not your living space at this time. If I don’t say something about this, I will just stew on it and my feelings will come out somewhere/sometime else (and I do want to have a pleasant evening having dinner with you and d7 tomorrow night). I’m hoping that you won’t read this as a “get the fark out of my space” but instead read it as “I’d appreciate knowing that you respect my space”. I want to be able to tell you how I feel and have you listen to my reasoning rather than assuming that I am saying this because I have something to hide, because I don’t. It would mean a lot to me to hear you think of my feelings instead of “Tough. I’ll come and go as I please, It’s my house too”.
Does it convey the following * I feel disrespected when you come to the house without asking * I don't want to keep you from the house altogether * I'm not hiding anything * I want my space to be respected * I am nervous about setting this boundary with you because I have not been able to do so in the past *I do not want to start a fight and increase the distance between us * I want to feel that I can ask for a boundary to be respected * I don't want to push him further away but I do not want to compromise myself any more
Whatcha reckon?
Last edited by Purple; 07/05/0804:58 AM.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
As a female, I would love to get that email. I'm not sure a male would, it might be 'too wordy'.
I think you need a guy's perspective on this one.
thinking of you today, understanding the angst of wanting to be understood by your H and have your feelings heard in the room without the demeaning and patronizing tone that accompanies their arrogance.
There are many here that believe in you.
hugs
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
As a female, I would love to get that email. I'm not sure a male would, it might be 'too wordy'.
I think you need a guy's perspective on this one.
How about this condensed version?
Hi there,
On Thursday when I came home, I found the mail on the kitchen bench. I am assuming that means you came home to do something.
I realise that you need to come to the house. However, I do ask that you let me know beforehand that you are going to go to the house and why. It’s not about hiding stuff, it’s about respect for my space. It makes me uncomfortable to have my living space entered without me knowing.
I believe I have said this before in counselling and I think in face to face conversations with you - it’s not about preventing you coming to the house, it’s about me feeling that you respect my space and privacy. I don’t have access to your place and whilst you legally have a right to be in our house, it is not your living space at this time. I’m hoping that you won’t read this as a “get the fark out of my space” but instead read it as “I’d appreciate knowing that you respect my space”.
Yours in trying to communicate better
Kazzie
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Thanks Jeff....I re read it and I agree. It's a major problem with me, I feel like I have to explain everything and it irritates h byond belief. That, and making decisions. I flip flop all the time....as you may have gathered already from my posts
However, maybe I should just let this issue go altogether....there's bigger issues like communication in general that need addressing and maybe this house issue will just rile him up. I'm especially concerned that he will feel like I'm attacking him just before his birthday. But then again, there's always something about to happen that makes me hesitate to bring issues up. Am I making excuses or is that a valid point?
It sucks because there's little urgent and unimportant things that I want to clear up (like access to house adn music CDs and what days he can pick d7 up) but also big and important things that need to be addressed (his other relationships, how I don't trust him, work out how what I've done to him hurts him so bad). which things should I address first? They are so hard to clear up in one hour counselling sessions and besides which, at the moment we are seeing our C separately. I have my next appointment on Thursday. He went to the C this Thursday just past.
I'm outside watching d7 jump on the trampoline (at her insistence). It's bloody cold! The dog also just tried stepping on the laptop! grrr...guess I shouldn't blow air in his face, hey? Poor d, just about all her friends have gone away for school holidays and she's left with me who's addicted to the DB forums at the moment.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
In general when it comes to communication about such things as this we need the basics.
If it were me,I wouldn't worry too much about what he is thinking your reasoning is for asking him to call first. This is separation101 here. He has his place, you have yours. If it is me, I write him and say it as plain as day. Something like this:
Dear H, I noticed you were in the house today and to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable that I didn't know you were coming.
I would appreciate it if you would please let me know in advance if you will be in the house. It is not a problem for me for you to come over as long as I know about it.
Thanks,
W
As simple as that, no explanations are needed purple. He gets it believe me.....
This is about respect. Without that.. well.. open communication is awfully hard to do. You need to start with setting your boundaries somewhere, to me this should be an easy one to do. But I can understand given the circumstances why it's also hard. Are you 'anticipating' too much? What if you knew NONE of the reprucssions you were worried about for sending this email were to come true? Would you send it then?
((hugs)) to you today.
I know these boards are like a life-line, but just a reminder that this is the 4th of july here and they seem really slow the past 36hours on here... go enjoy your daughter and do something fun for you! We'll be here when you get back.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
