peaceful.....yes...my H has told me all of those things you wrote..almost word for word....one of my friends told me she doesn't know how I do it...how i'm not going after the OW...how I'm not just crying all the time...that I look really good....boy if she would come behind the closed doors.....I'm really a basket case....I hope I get to where you are soon....I want to be strong....I want to just be happy....and I know I'm not...and I'm not trying to fool anyone that I am...
My H has lost his mind...seriously....to do what has been done I would have never thought...not in a million years....but that's why I come here.....to get the advice from all you oldtimers...your wisdom is inspiring and your faith is amazing...
I keep telling myself that there is always hope....you can't take that away from me....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, THey lose their mind because they're trying to run from pain. They are trying to find the "fun" in their life that they lost being married with kids (or without kids).
Life isn't always fun. It's filled with responsibility... and pain. And when they find somebody or something that feels exciting, new and fun, they run after it. They look at their life filled with responsibility and decide that they're not happy and haven't been for a long time.
But the problem with this approach, which they eventually do learn, is that the responsibility and pain eventually catches up. Life isn't meant to be filled with just fun. We can't run around doing whatever we want. But our spouses don't realize this fact.
Anyway, this new "fun" thing usually takes the form of an OP. So, the OP is their escape... they represent everything fun in their life. We represent responsibility. Life with the OP is now fun, passionate, carefree... it's a high. It conjures up feelings in them they haven't felt in a long time. And this new feeling (which is infatuation, but they think is love), is what makes them believe they no longer love us. I mean, life hasn't been passionate and carefree and fun in years, right?
Eventually, reality sinks in. And the infatuation stage comes to an end. And what's left. Not much. THat is they they realize taht it is us whom they really love. We are the ones who really know them. We are the ones who have been with them through thick and thin. And the light starts to go on.
This process can take a long time. And when they do come back, there's a lot of hard work in repairing the M.
Going through an MLC (or whatever you want to call this stage where our spouse runs away and acts like a teenager) is very hard and very long. It takes a TON of patience on our part to survive. And the ONLY way to survive is to find peace within yourself. To find other sources of happiness while your spouse is acting like a nut job.
Sure, to others it seems like the right thing to do in this situation is to go after the OW. But what good would that do? It would make the situation so much worse...not to mention the inner turmoil it will cause you. It is better to just stay away and maintain inner peace.
Wow... I'm really long winded. Yikes. I guess I have a lot to say on the matter.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
you don't know how much I appreciate your response....in my mind I totally see what you are saying and can see my H exactly acting like he's 12....really....but he just has that convincing way with me....he can make me believe what he is saying is truth...I mean about the "i'm never coming home", "I've been feeling like this for years", crap....no..I don't believe the other stuff....like today...he couldn't spend the day with our S11 because he had an "event"...the event would be spending the day and night with OW...so I have a huge stomach ache this morning....I wish I was strong but I'm not....when it comes to H I'm very weak...this is what I pray for most....besides the fact that she starts her cycle today....lol.....I wish....
My children have now taken the back burner.....but he has to be feeling some pain as my girls don't speak to him at all...for at least 6 weeks now....my older D longer....they were soooo close and now the OW has taken their place too...
Why do they wake up and just come up with.."well,, I've been thinking about this for a long time now...I don't want to be married anymore" ....such a fool...
and it's been 16 months since I found out about OW....I have not called her...she's trash to me....but doesn't he have to be developing some serious feeling for her...I'm sure they are at the ILY stage by now...
Last edited by Treese; 07/05/0801:58 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, Your H isn't interested in spending time with his kids because he is too self-absorbed. He is seeking his own pleasurable activities without caring about anyone else. This is typical of most MLCers.
You can't control what he's doing. You can't control if he's in ILY stage with OW. You can't control if he's going to spend time with his kids. What you can do is let him go to make his own mistakes. That is the only way he'll learn from them. And it's quite possible that he doesn't believe he's making any mistakes. But at some point, he will look around and see that his relationships have deterioriated. THEN, he will have some soul searching to do.
But you just have absolutly no control over how long this will take. It's hard to be strong in this situation, but you'll find a way. We all do. Just do your best to turn the focus on you and your kids.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Hey PS! Long time no hear. I am still here not posting much at all but definitely still standing and reading a couple times a week. We are D now, H still doesn't want to have anything to do with me...he is still angry to the point of taking me back to court because I have been unable to get our house refinanced and his name removed from it.
S21 will be a senior in college and S18 will be a freshman, both attending the same college and one or both will play football.
Keep in touch...BTW it has been 4 years since the bomb for me and almost 3 years since H moved out...almost a year since D.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
ANewMe, Great to hear from you! I'm sorry your situation hasn't gotten too much better. is your H still with the skank? Just keep up the positive mental attitude. You are very strong. Just remember that.
It's so great to hear from you!!!!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
My situation is better, his just isn't. Yes, he and skank are living together in a house she bought. It has been about a year. He is still so angry but that just tells me that his fantasy world is not what he thought it would be.
I am glad things are working out for you. Mine is still a long way from being over. I have a life and am about to be free of the daily responsibility of children for the first time since I was 19 years old. I am really looking forward to getting to know me.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
ANewMe, You sound great! Yes, your H is still off his rocker. But you are not. The simple fact that you are looking forward to getting to know YOU is such a great thing. Life is not all about our spouse. It's about finding inner happiness and peace. And you are doing just that.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Treese, absolutely POSITIVELY let the OW go...!!!!
Read my sitch if you want GOOD reasons as to why the OW nor your H is worth anything that would come out of going after the OW!!! Trust me! if anyone knows, it's me...
TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
