It's sad how squeamy an innocent statement can make me feel, how that knee jerk reaction comes up.
Someone had a very cute play on words off something I wrote, talking about sharing 'joy' the next time we saw each other.
Seeing that phrase evoked fear, terror to my eyes. Seeing that word felt like a predatory sexual advance. Seeing that phrase made me feel helpless, frightened, wanting to run away. I didn't feel safe.
And yet I was 98.47325% positive that the phrase was harmless. It's amazing that such a small percentage of doubt can create such an enormous outpouring of terror.
When I was married (geez.. already in the past without divorce papers signed) I never had to worry about how other men perceived me because there was one man for me. Nothing mattered more than conversation, no fear of impressions because I had my spouse. I was not alone.
Now, I am alone.. in that way. All these years I was safe and didn't need to worry about it. If a man did something that made me feel uncomfortable, like seeking me out for conversation.. I'd just run away. Simple.
It's like having a wonderful sailboat that's kept moored in a harbor. How does it sail if it never goes to open waters?
Thoughts go through my mind about the innocent phrase.. I don't want to say anything to hurt his feelings.. after all I'm the one with the problem. Guess what.. wrong way to think, Kathleen.
See it as anxiety taking the deepest fear I have and warping my perceptions to create a terrifying lie. Hmmm.. that feels better. I'm no longer a helpless child. I'll approach this in the same way I'm learning the different techniques spouse used to get his way. When I realize one, like him using the kids as a way of getting me to call, I no longer take the bait. I'll employ the same technique with my own terror. When it tempts me to enter a cave of fear, I'll laugh (Ho Ho Ho) and tell it to try something else next time.
I know how you feel. I never quite realised what that feeling was.
I never had to worry about what other guys said because I could always retreat behind my wedding ring. Now if a guy (and believe me there aren't many knocking down my door - must lose weight!) says anything remotely flirty to me I have a bit of a stress attack. I spent my life assuming that h was the only one who would love me - I still think that. And therefore punish myself if I suspect a guy is flirting with me ie. I think 'nah...he's just being nice, he wouldn't like me...I'm ugly,stupid,whatever ..'
Ag....can't finish the thought properly. I gotta put d to bed. Myabe I'll try again later....
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Comment on one of your previous posts- late again... I am only now saying to people I am getting a divorce without adding anything else. I used to say H was confused, needed time away, etc etc. Protecting and excusing him. Now I say, "we are divorcing, I am feeling OK NOW and will be fine". K
Punishing myself for getting attention is something I never considered! Holy crap... one more thing to avoid trying to add to my list of insecurities. ACK!
I've got that knee jerk terror thing. I have a fear that any man who compliments me with any type of innuendo wants a sexual interaction (My rolls of fat are my first defense.) I have the whimpering that I am not worthy, all the time knowing I am absolutely adorable.
It's great to see you walk that distinctive Kalni way.. really neat.
I keep wanting people to know he's at fault with his actions while adding the obligatory statement that all marriages have issues. My message, "He's a jerk.. to me" said in a very gentle way. What do I get from it?
Silly.. angry.. I get to be the victim, semi blameless.
I think I'll stop trying to explain his side of the story (light bulb moment) because that doesn't matter. I don't have to do 'mea culpa' anymore either.
I keep wanting people to know he's at fault with his actions while adding the obligatory statement that all marriages have issues. My message, "He's a jerk.. to me" said in a very gentle way. What do I get from it?
Silly.. angry.. I get to be the victim, semi blameless.
Ugh
*hugs*
Know that feeling.... having it very much this morning.
reading your thoughts & SC & purple's help me feel comforted in that I'm not alone (thought that for years) however, pulling out of the computer screen and looking around here ... feeling very isolated today.
What do you do with that feeling?
I hope your day is good! 9
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
