It's sad how squeamy an innocent statement can make me feel, how that knee jerk reaction comes up.
Someone had a very cute play on words off something I wrote, talking about sharing 'joy' the next time we saw each other.
Seeing that phrase evoked fear, terror to my eyes. Seeing that word felt like a predatory sexual advance. Seeing that phrase made me feel helpless, frightened, wanting to run away. I didn't feel safe.
And yet I was 98.47325% positive that the phrase was harmless. It's amazing that such a small percentage of doubt can create such an enormous outpouring of terror.
When I was married (geez.. already in the past without divorce papers signed) I never had to worry about how other men perceived me because there was one man for me. Nothing mattered more than conversation, no fear of impressions because I had my spouse. I was not alone.
Now, I am alone.. in that way. All these years I was safe and didn't need to worry about it. If a man did something that made me feel uncomfortable, like seeking me out for conversation.. I'd just run away. Simple.
It's like having a wonderful sailboat that's kept moored in a harbor. How does it sail if it never goes to open waters?
Thoughts go through my mind about the innocent phrase.. I don't want to say anything to hurt his feelings.. after all I'm the one with the problem. Guess what.. wrong way to think, Kathleen.
See it as anxiety taking the deepest fear I have and warping my perceptions to create a terrifying lie. Hmmm.. that feels better. I'm no longer a helpless child. I'll approach this in the same way I'm learning the different techniques spouse used to get his way. When I realize one, like him using the kids as a way of getting me to call, I no longer take the bait. I'll employ the same technique with my own terror. When it tempts me to enter a cave of fear, I'll laugh (Ho Ho Ho) and tell it to try something else next time.
