I should post the write-up I did for myself. I think it is still very word-y. But its there, for now, for the occasional morale booster, when someone writes to say I have pretty eyes.
Today went pretty well. It was a hard one, but I don't think the kids sensed it too much. MIL went with us for the end of the day, and I refrained from whining; trying to keep up the positive (act as if, right?)
This was the night that used to be our tailgating party at the mall, followed by the fireworks. I made new plans with the kids. They each picked a friend, and we got passes to the carnival that is also at the mall this week. The day started by going to a friend's to pick gooseberries, black and red raspberries. Then, we picked up one kid to come back to the house for a while. They played, then off for the camp physical for S (3 shots, and he was a trooper). Picked up MIL and other kid, then off to the Mall. The kids took a cell phone and went to ToysRUs, while MIL and I went shopping at Christmas Tree (a GREAT discount store!), and I was very restrained and bought Nothing--I usually can't get out of there for under $100. Pizza for dinner, then the carnival. Took a break for the fireworks, then more rides. Funnel cake for the long ride home (traffic is always a bear out of there). After taxi-ing the other kids home, we are just getting settled to bed at 12:30--Happy 4th!!!!!!!
Inside, it was a bit hard for me. x and gf and whoever they finally convinced to join them were on the other side of the mall. He called the kids at his usual time while we were eating, and I thought it was FIL calling. I was all chipper, asked What's Up before I realized who it was. I think he could here the instant uneasiness as soon as I realized who I was talking to (they have the same voice on the phone).
I did a lot of internal remenicing, watching the teens holding hands, the new families with baby strollers, remembering....we had such a long history together; everything is a memory. I think I may have been quiet a few times, but the rest of the place was so noisy and happy and full of energy, I don't think the kids noticed, and I couldn't stay that way for long. All so bittersweet.
The kids thanked me a bunch when we got home, said they had a great day. We are invited to a BBQ and swimming tomorrow, and my great friend from LI is coming up to stay for a few days--we'll be taking the kids camping for 3 nights at a Jellystone campground
I wonder if he really felt the difference today, some effect for his choices. I know that many of the "regulars" who always came to the party backed out. His sibs, for various reasons, our mutual friends. I wonder what life is like for him, now. I wonder if he thought of me when my favorite fireworks went off (the ones that twinkle). I think he just muttered, "that b!tch" when he missed his kids being there. It is still such a strange thought to me, that the person who once loved me most, now sees me as the enemy.
Random wonderings. It doesn't strike at the heart as deep and hurtful as it did, once. Feels like a scientist, making observations, instead. Detached? More wrapping my brain around reality, acceptance of what is. We are coming up on a year to when the affair was found out, when the really bad time started. It was 7/15. Their 2 year anniversary (at least physically; emotionally, it has already been more than 2 years).
I don't really like being in the world alone, but I guess I am getting used to it, even if reluctantly.
I wish I could say that these types of times make them more reflective on what they've lost, but unfortunately, I have not seen that with my W. S10 could not let go of me for the last two days. He is so glad to have me home. She sees this, and comments on it all the time. She still has eyes on target, however. Not for one second has she seemed to think that a divorce might not be a good thing. D17 is still borderline, D15 may have to be hospitalized when she returns from Thailand if she's lost too much weight, and my son is attached at the hip to me. What a great time for divorce!
I don't know your husband, but when someone desert their family for someone else, I find it despicable. What does this teach your kids? Awesome! Happy Fourth. You must have been at the D. Mall?
Who knows what goes on inside the heads of these people? In the end, it so doesn't matter... IC did mention that one of the problems that people who jump from one R to another, is they never give themselves time to process, time to grieve and heal, so keep making the same problems happen over and over again--they never learn or grow.
My D9 went through a similar separation anxiety. She would ask where I was going when I got up to go to the kitchen, panic in her eyes. Went on for about 2 months. Also was hard at bedtime, for both kids. S12 even wet the bed a few times, early post-sep. D still has occasional bouts of it, a year post-sep. It has to be compounded with you, being so far away for so long. Is there any chance that you would be called back?
How did D15 end up in Thailand, of all places? Just the difference in food might have made her loose weight--I hope not. I know that its been a major challenge for you. I hope that you being home will help her get onto a more even keel, but you are right that throwing divorce into the mix, now of all times, will just add more stress. Is there any possible way that your W would see a child counselor, who could explain all of the consequences of a divorce--sometimes they might go (no promises that they will actually listen), if it is framed as doing what is right for the kids, rather than trying to do anything for the M.
The first thing I asked x after the A was discovered, was how will you ever look your children in the eyes again? He had no answer, but apparently did enough mental gymnastics to justify his decisions. It is the only way these people can wake up and face themselves in the mirror each day.
Yep, we were at the D mall. The kids had a great time, and I lived through it, so all is well Grieving feels so much different than desperation, much more manageable. I think I miss being married, more than even him, specifically.
x called the kids a little while ago. They both told him everything that we did, how much fun they had. I know that he will be pissed that we were at the same place he was, that the kids could have stopped by to see him, and we didn't--that will again be my fault. Ah, there is his justification right there--I'm the bad guy.
All of this is so close, it makes me want to squirm sometimes.
One day this past week, my D had a playdate planned with a friend down the street in the afternoon. GF's D calls in the morning, asks D to come for a swim--her dad will be home soon, and her mom will "stay in the house." (Blech) She turns and asks me, and I say ok...I am really trying hard to not let this whole crappy adult thing get in the way of the kids. Oh, but wait--you already made a playdate!! So, D calls back and tells the girl she forgot, but maybe another time. Kicker? The gf calls the other mom to see if my D really had a playdate planned!!! Um, I am not the lier, dumba$$. Stupid still doesn't realize that this other mom is one of my best friends and tells me everything.
It just illustrates the point to me, again getting me to live in reality, that these people will and are doing all they can to cast me in the most deplorable of lights, in an effort to ease their consciences. Too bad for them that I am really a pretty decent person; makes it harder for them.
I am reading that book, The CoParent Survival Guide, and it just makes me so sad that we are in this place. It will be very challenging for me to keep the conflict level low, which is the best thing for my kids. The only way that I can accomplish that for the time being is zero contact outside of email, and keeping the focus on me as much as possible. I am the duck; I'm even ignoring the snide comments in the emails.
Happy Fourth of July, to you FLTC and all who serve!!! Happy Independence Day, for all levels of meaning!!!
Ugh, woke up at 3 am, second night in a row. Makes for a grouchy Donna the next day But the kids and I had a very nice 4th. Hooked up with a long-time friend who I had let slip by the wayside during the worst of the mess (I tried to look at why I did that; I think I didn't want to burden her, since she has had some tough times with one of her sons....still not sure, though). The kids swam, played on the trampoline, we cooked, BBQd, and ate all day. She has a beautiful yard, and we picked so many gooseberries and blackberries that it made my stomach ache! You have to eat as many as you pick, right? The day was overcast but it never rained, so it stayed a bit cooler than usual. The night ended with sparklers and fireflies in the yard.
I hope I can get where you are, because it seems like you started where I did. Total emotional collapse. I miss the being married part too, and probably to the old W., not the one who currently exists. How do thse WAS's do it? My W. has already made me feel like a dog this morning. Part of it was my fault, and part of it was my reaction to her coldness. Ugh.
Hope your weekend is going well. I saw the 435 AM post and thought you probably were not sleeping well. I find that the time when I first wake up and am lying in bed is when I "rent space in my head", and play over the whole horrible mess. I need to get out of bed right away. It sounds like you continue to do well. I can relate about dropping old friends during the worst of it. I couldn't find enjoyment in anything, Making the bed was an exhausting task. I feel much better prepared to deal with this tsunami, but I imagine when she starts talking about the actual divorce, it will make me anxious again.
I want to thank you for looking in on me from time to time. I'm so happy that naother preson on this board can understand the abyss that I was in. The utter despair and hoplessness was overwhelming. Like you, I am now just sad, but not on the verge of ending it as I once was! Have a nice day. Do you have the summer off? I go back around August 8th. I fortunately aquired 30 days of paid leave from Iraq, which I am using to get myself out of the house and settled.
It was the second night I got up at 3 for no reason, and it is better to get up and do something than stare at the ceiling. Good thing I am off for the summer...but I managed to get back to sleep.
I am having a great weekend. My friend came to visit, and we got another round of fireworks in with the kids (after some shopping ). Today was church, and we heard the stories of the people who had gone on the Appalachia mission for Habitat for Humanity. Very moving, including the part of the service where 4 of the men got up and sang the USA Anthem, acapella.
Home to pack, and we are off to Jellystone for camping!!
Yes that's the rule. What you pick you eat, so you did good!
Well it sounds as if you had a nice weekend with the kids. I know it wasn't easy but you did great in making the holiday a nice and memorable one for them. Good for you!
You know, the memoriies will always be there and can be sparked by almost anything. When you talked about the couples holding hands or the young parents pushing babies well I imagine we've all been there as well. Now when I see these reminders, they don't hurt like they did. Besides, except for the baby part, evenutally you'll find someone who wants to hold your hand again. Just because you've gone through this it doesn't mean that life is over, because you will find happiness again.
Hello muddah. Hello faddah. Here I am at...Camp Grenada.
OK, not really--its Jellystone, complete with some poor guy in a Yogi Bear costume. The kids are already having a good time already. We got in and decided to upgrade to the 2 room cabin, which was a good thing, since it is really a large shed. But is has windows with screens, an a/c, fridge and microwave. Also 4 bunk beds and a double bed. Its better than a tent.
Played some ping pong, then off to get some supplies. There is a SuperWalmart close by, and we went shopping and bought some good food (and some fun food, too). There are a ton of Hasidic Jewish camps in the area, so the place was packed, even late at night. By the time we got back, unpacked and got into bed, it was after 1am.
There was scattered talk about x, but not much. Keeping things in perspective.
). Today was church, and we heard the stories of the people who had gone on the Appalachia mission for Habitat for Humanity. Very moving, including the part of the service where 4 of the men got up and sang the USA Anthem, acapella.