What would W say if you went to a C, do you think that maybe she'd follow some time later
Don't think she would be happy if I went to see a C. W is dead against any outside intervention it's like admitting failure or weakness. Her view is if things are going to work they will work themselves out.
However at the very least I can try some R talk just to see where we are going, but whenever I try serious talking she clams up. She never brings up any R talk she only talks about us when she wants to argue. Maybe I'll talk a little this weekend
Lan, My W and I argued like hell. A lot of the time I withdrew or defended myself so I understand what you are up against. And you simply can't win an argument with her. And I think any R "talk" would probably fuel more argument unless there was a skilled mediator, but this may backfire because she may get defensive. I tried in vain to get my W to "fight fair" instead of constantly hitting below the belt. Anyway I worry you will wear yourself down unless W can take a good hard look at herself in the mirror before too long. The wedding ring business is another big issue - it seems like you are deadlocked on this. I myself am tempted to cut my wedding ring with a pair of pliers and send it to W! How about at some point getting brand new rings and retaking your marriage vows? Looks like you have found several ways to "connect" using your advanced DAM tools - drinks, TV, Barcelona, nights on the town, remodeling, hot sex, etc. - keep doing more of this. I understand W is too embarrassed to face family and friends after f'ing around with OM. But a C is kind of neutral and private. Anyway you've got to get W's a$$ moving in the right direction.
W is dead against MC because it would mean her having to open up and admit to things that she has done wrong and more. Stop being ultra defensive. I mean the way she acts now, the only thing she has done wrong was getting caught out by me. When we've tried C is the and past it ended with her saying she doesn't want to sit down with someone who tries to tell her how to run her M. W did mention MC when she was floundering after finishing with OM but that was one of many random thoughts coming from her head and she never acted on it. W has also said that things like MC are more for me ( the LBS) rather than couples trying to save the M. I do think we could use some form of mediation but W doesn't want to take that route.
On the wedding ring thing I could be quite flexible on this, but I wouldn't feel true in myself if I just put the old ring on. We could both get new rings and I could go with that if I didn't feel that W would just be collecting another item of jewellery rather than cherishing a new M. I don't want to take the route of renewing vows cos at our original wedding W went out of her way to cut several words out. "Love, Honour & Obey" I think Obey definitely got the chop along with anything that indicated the W to be submissive to the H.
Things do pick up at home when I give, give, give (emotionally, physically and financially) but sometimes I wish we could both sit down and be relaxed in each others company and not worry about us, I don't think we've ever had that.
Things do pick up at home when I give, give, give (emotionally, physically and financially) but sometimes I wish we could both sit down and be relaxed in each others company and not worry about us, I don't think we've ever had that.
Hence my concern, Lan.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
The wedding ring business is another big issue - it seems like you are deadlocked on this.
Originally Posted By: John210
I feel kind of weird saying this but there is something that is broken (may be a little strong) between W and I....at least in my head / heart.
I just read this from John and it kinda sums up how I feel about the wedding ring. Based on whats gone on a wedding ring doesn't hold any special significance for me anymore.
Things falling apart, not quite, but they may do if I don't get back on my game again.
W angry with me (does that sound familiar) cos I've been trying to initiate sex at 7am, she says shes tired and needs her sleep, WTF, she was the one that was waking me at 5am to relieve her stress (mind you that soon wore off). In her mini rant she gave a clue, "Why do you always try to wake me in the mornings, that's why I can't be bothered with you half the time". As always things come out when she's angry not when we're having a civil conversation. However to balance the argument she did say she keeps telling me this and I don't listen, or rather that I don't care and this is the same old argument.
If I was looking to add to the argument I could easily have said you were olny saying these things before when when you were with an OM and you didn't want me to touch you, but I'm not looking for an argument.
Ok, for those of you who will say leave her alone, stop the persuit, yes quite possible, but when you lay in bed next to someone and their night dress has ridden up to the waist during the night exposing all that's below, it's hard to resist taking a chance. Before when she didn't want me to touch her everything was locked up tighter than Fort Knox.
W also angry with me cos I've eaten all of her Lemon Puff biscuits, I kid you not, they are her favourites. I ate them cos I was bored (and anxious), she went out and her 6pm Nail Appointment went on until after 10pm.
So W seems to be getting angry with me again over little things, have I changed or has something else. We'll see soon enough.
Lan, I hope you find your balance (game plan). It's tough living with an unhappy W. I titled my thread "Turbulence and Connection" during this stormy phase.
All one can do is keep investing in self-care activities and interests, connect with your W when she wants connection, give her the space to work-out her issues, keep being kind to her, but hold your ground when she demands what you consider unfair.
I hope that your W gets weary of being unhappy most of the time, and begins to make some effort at happiness. This is what happened in my situation. Scaling back her work hours to part-time was also the catalyst that moved my W and us into the next phase.
Does your W need to make more of an effort at being happy (less focus on negatives, less rumination, acceptance ot things beyond her influence, self-expression), or is there a lifestyle change that needs to occur (more fun, less responsibility, more balance)?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Sorry to hear that you are feeling a little down. On my end the sexual part is a little quiet (although the test will be this coming week) so I understand how you feel. It is very difficult but I am trying very hard to keep my hands off. By the way, if she wants to sleep in on weekends, why don't you get up early and do an activity just for Lan? Leave her a note telling her you will be back soon. A reflection I had this AM. is that maybe once we get to piecing we forget what got us here and fall back on our old habits. Also, we expect too much too quickly. Try to stay positive even with all the turmoil around. I know it's a sucky feeling to think that we are making all the efforts even though the W was the one who swayed. We need to get over this or we won't make it. Hang in there Lan. You made it this far, keep plugging away. Remember where we were six months or so ago....that should put things back in perspective.
