"When I start behaving like the old Kathleen, I try and change my attitude, going almost straight to DBing."
I see the beautiful butterfly shaking off the transformation of change and beginning to spread her wings for her first flight. You are sensing what is best for you and learning to embrace it. I agree with Forrest this is one of the most important things you have said.
You have come far on your road of self awareness don't sell yourself short be proud of yourself! Remember what I have always said to you, 'god don't make no junk'!
I think that is the biggest "change" we can make. To be self-aware enough to see when we fall into those old bad habits and react differently than we used to. If you can do that, you've come a long long way. Brace for more turbulence ahead, but if your seat belt is fastened you'll be fine.
Oh, and if there is a loss of cabin pressure and those oxygen masks fall down -- take care of your own before attempting to help the person seated next to you.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
"When I start behaving like the old Kathleen, I try and change my attitude, going almost straight to DBing."
It's great reinforcement. Sometimes I chuckle to myself internally as I keep 'stop/starting' my thoughts.
Yadda yadda, controlling, wanting my way... OOOPS... turn it around, make it about them.. DB DB DB.
Taking care of myself first... oh what a tricky wicket it is. I think I may be doing it.. until I look at my actions. I'll work on more me, less of supreme mom. The kids will mention how overprotective I am.. and I look with a blank stare and eloquent, "huh?"
I'm getting a little tired of always getting upset after talking to spouse."
Work is hard.. you will always have some Emotion tied up here. And it is easier to go with what you know.
I keep thinking that if I find the kernel that gets me, I'll be able to let it go and life will be hunkdory.
""constructive destruction" always made me feel better."
I don't know that I would have thought of that as a GAL activity.. but I can see where it would work. I am gonna tuck that away in the memory bank. You may see it used sometime.
Of course you should use it. It's positively brilliant! Although most people look at me a little strangely when I talk about doing that.
"So much of this time has been spent in self doubt, feeling like what I do accomplish isn't enough."
Just to point out.. the SIL was seeking you out.. Now.. I am a bit slow.. but I think she saw all the hard work you did.
Good point.. never thought of it that way!
"It was a great feeling to address an issue and feel comfortable about it."
Excellent!
I gave myself lots of gold stars on that one!
I have an odd question.. or statement.
The bump on the head.. I seem to remember you spent a lot of time doing "nothing". Could this "physical activity" that seems to calm you be a "effect" of that? Please.. don't take that wrong.. I am just not really sure how to word that question.
After the whack, I realized I'd let my fear of doing something kept me from making basic decisions.. like having a walkway for a 22 year old house that didn't have one (and we'd been in there 12), that my first inclination was to be defensive toward my spouse.. even when he'd mention buying new towels. I just started "doing". Since I couldn't do much physically, I called contractors and got things taken care of.
I coined "constructive destruction" twelve years ago when I found that when I was really upset, whacking down helpless bushes, tearing apart some things helped me by doing hard work that needed to be done and throwing my anger into it.
Long ago mental institutions would calm down frenzied patients by putting them in straight jackets, place them in a steam bath that looked like a bathtub but with a lid on it, then turn up the steam. They would comment on how you would hear the heels of the patients thundering up and down. I think when they stopped thunking, they'd wait a bit, then let them out.
I figured my method had more merit.
"I'm almost thinking that it would be best if just the kids go to the BBQ."
You go.. and let them decide if they want to. Worst case.. you end up going alone. SIL called you.. I gotta expect.. she would like to see you.
At the time I didn't know spouse would be gone for two weeks. I think that's what made the invitation possible since there'd be no conflict. They didn't want him to know they invited me.
My mother-in-law said... The first time everyone (i.e., me without her son but with the kids) is together will be the hardest. After that it will be much easier.
"I felt myself regressing to the cower in the cobwebs persona because I was afraid someone got angry at me.. maybe even a few people did. Guess what.. I faced it, posted about it.. dealt with it. That felt positive."
Now see.. I have to go read MFT's thread now.. I feel I missed some Drama. God I hate that. (I kinda knew something was up.. Now I gotta go read it.) Like I did not have enough reading to do..
You poor dear... *hugs*
"My infamous brother suggested I bow out of the BBQ. I know folks will be drinking (and they can drink) and since I won't be, it might get a little tough. More stuff than is needed might come out.. or I may trip and say too much. In the past his family has not been the nicest to me. Perhaps I'll invite my niece to come down this weekend and hang with us instead of going to the fete."
This kinda changes things.. maybe. I am confused.
The party.. yea I missed something.. maybe. I just read start to finish this post.. I reserve the right to question you.. later.. tonight!
I retrieved my niece yesterday (spouse's sister's daughter) so she and my daughter could hang out. They've had some huge tumult, having to remove their second son (15 years old) from the household to a treatment program. I figured she and my daughter would be the best company for each other.
I have to learn to be like that sis-in-law. By the time I called to say we were home, they'd made plans to hang out in Boston until coming back in time for the BBQ! I want some of her GAL!
I'm feeling better about what I'm doing. I'll go up, enjoy myself (sans spirits). I'll do whatever is best for me.
Yes I did! I made a pretty collage, took my daughter and niece out for dinner. We decided we'd go restaurant hopping, having a little something at every place. When we hit Starbucks it was closed. "Darn, I forgot it closed at 8PM today." The girls didn't ask me how I knew that.
I did have fun. At first I was a little nervous. Geez.. I can't even write half the stuff I normally would because another dimension has been added. You're not just a friend who types. You're a friend.
How ever many hours we talked went by in a blink. I did enjoy being bossy, getting on my soap box and didn't do a very good job at DBing. What I remember most is the quiet comfort in sharing with someone who understood.
My daughter and niece are playing boisterously upstairs. It's nice to hear noise in the house rather than the quiet with underlying strain.
While talking with a friend today, tears started flowing. I hoped that once this was over I eventually would not be alone, even though I know it's good to be able to stand on my own two feet and be good to myself. The tears started when I thought of the whole menu of crap that I've had, experienced, wondering who would ever want to get involved with me. He jumped in and said that everyone going through a divorce feels that way. He may have said more, but my mind fixed on his initial statement.
Everyone who goes through the divorce process feels this. And yet I see everyone around me who's experiencing this as wonderful, caring, compassionate, interesting people. Perhaps that is the balance. I can make myself feel negative and sorry for myself.. or let myself feel good and positive for what is best in me.
At the entree restaurant, I saw a couple and said hi.. chatted for a bit. The husband works at the same company as spouse.. and I said.. "I guess you've heard that spouse left." They thought he left the company. "Uhh.. no he left me." adding he is having a relationship with a woman from work who he was with during the marriage. The husband said he didn't know if he'd ever be able to see spouse in the same light again.
I wonder if I say too much.. probably. I just can't seem to take the high road.. say "We're separated, in the process of divorcing." Hate it.
