Thanks guys for checking in on me! You are so caring and thoughtful. I actually decided to have a break from the boards.... finding that it was distracting me from concentrating on myself, and making it hard to be patient. Also I have been hormonally emotional so this week I've been concentrating on letting him have space.
Its funny how sometimes you have to go back to the basics just to get through.
ANYWAY! I have news!!
This morning I decided to do an aerobics class at the local gym - never been there before and its been years since I did aerobics. It was an early morning class, and i figured I wouldnt know anyone there, so I went with hairy legs, daggy clothes, no makeup and my hair greasy and needing a wash! Did the class - was absolutely exhausted and all red and hot and sweaty..... and as I was walking out I bumped into H.
Bit of background.... H used to go to the same gym when we were together, and he had a crush on one of the personal trainers, and I found emails and texts between them just before he left. But I dont know what happened if anything between them..... anyway he was suprised to see me but happy. I chatted for a bit but wanted to get going, as I felt all smelly and gross,,,, but H asked if I wanted to have a coffee. So we did. Chatted about work etc. he opened up about how he is finding running his business really stressful and has headaches and stomach cramps because of the stress. I was very good and didnt offer any solutions just agreed that it must be hard, and was encouraging that he was doing well. He talked about where he might live after his lease is up - and it didnt affect me. Anyway more chatting - he asked me good questions and amazingly seemed to remember things that are happening in my life (that's a change!).
I got cold and said that I'd better get going. We walked to the car, still chatting and laughing and then I said something like: E: Oh well its good to see you, its been a while H: Hanst been that long has it? We only went to the jazz club a while ago: E: That must almost be a month H: Yeah but before that it was ages
Then
E: You know I'm really proud of you, you are doing so well H: (Hugs me) Thanks E: (Getting teary) I know you are going to be a success and everything is going to work out H: (also teary, hugs me) No-one has told me that since..... not even mum E: (does an Ali and kisses him on the neck) (pulls herself together though) I know its been tough but I'm really proud of you H: (more teary) (we are staring each other right in the eyes) E: You are a good man, and you make good decisions, I want you to know that I'm proud of you, you made a hard decision and you were true to yourself and thats really important H: Sometimes i just dont know (looks away) feels like my life is just working and crap E: (looking him straight in the eye) nah... I'm really proud of you and you are going to have a great life H: (looks extremely grateful)(we have another big hug - very close) E: (breaks away and says in a happy tone) OK I will see you later, H: (says something I cant remember, but we laughed)
E: drives away crying but happy tears!
I was so glad that I got to say that. It feels like a turning point for me, maybe not for him, but so good that I could say it. So glad that we can be friends and I can love him in that way. So many people just cant get over the hurt and anger, and then they miss out on having a good relationship with their ex-partners after their marriage has ended. I am so grateful for DB that has helped me accept everything that has happened.\
So feeling really proud of myself. I also didnt bring up the boxes that have his stuff - will wait longer for that.
So then I get the following text message H: Your amazing E: Thanks! Youre not too shabby yourself! H: Ha ha!
Feels good. I love him, but I'm Ok if he wants something different. I feel like I've been the bigger stronger person, and I'm actually proud of me! I've come a long way!
