Is this what healing feels like ???

[smartcookie]

Okay, now that all those strong emotions are out of the way, I can remember the point I wanted to make. Sometimes women take the long scenic route to get to their point of view.

I wasn't healthy enough to ask H for what I wanted. I thought he should just now. I had told him often enough. Why didn't he remember. Mind reading doesn't work, not even with a mother & an infant. It's trial & error;

the baby cries
mom changes the diaper
the baby cries
mom rocks & soothes the baby
the baby cries
mom feeds the baby
the baby cries
mom burps the baby
the baby cries
the mom rocks the baby to sleep
the baby is happy

In the first 17 years of our marriage, I cried & cried & cried, & H couldn't figure out how to make me happy.

like hugs

I wanted more hugs. why wouldn't this man hug me. In every single argument I told him, I wanted more hugs. I yelled at him, I want more hugs. He didn't want to hug me when I was yelling at him.

Later, I thought maybe he didn't want to. Maybe he was mad at me still. Maybe I didn't deserve a hug. Maybe I had bad breath. Maybe he just didn't feel like it. OMG

NOW:

H, can I have a hug? Sure babe. *hug*

It's so fricking simple. Why couldn't I get this 17 years ago ?


Because I didn't think I deserved to ask that my needs be met. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that he wouldn't meet my needs the right way. I was afraid it still wouldn't be enough to fill my empty love bucket.

So now who's fault is it that our marriage sucked for 17 years ?

Both of ours. He didn't think he deserved to ask that his needs be met either.

What a pair we were.