SC, Keep going! Open the floodgates. You are amazing. And you are lucky to have that H of yours, he's an advanced DAM as FG would say!
Do you have voyeuristic tendencies ? (totally teasing)
There is some stuff that I will never share. Just believe me when I say, it's even more complicated.
It is interesting to me that I have to open my journal & planner to remember what happened.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
How painful to shed so many tears. Do you feel it helped renewal? When I did yoga that one time and started crying, the teacher told me my body was releasing hurt, releasing bad memories.
I haven't been able to cry like that.. except after the birth of my second son where I cried non stop for 24 hours. I had a wet towel in one hand to cool off my face and another one to pat it dry. Goodness, my ribs were in incredible pain afterwards for days.
your story is mind blowing. i am so impressed with the effort put forth by you and your husband. i don't know that i'd call it 'unconditional love'... i think it's making the choice to love the one you promised to love through good and bad.
your story makes me want to show my husband that i'll be there for him... but my pride gets in my way and we don't have children and he is so stoic and it's just all so confusing.
thank you for sharing so much with us. it must trudge up lots of feelings.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo R.
Hey Girlie R, I'm sure it is confusing. Pride is an interesting thing. I would encourage you to do as much as YOU need to, so that if it doesn't work out with you two, YOU have no regrets.
My C says the key ingredients to a healthy relationship are;
power equality respect a shared sense of destiny interaction
He also says;
to take things at face value. Ask questions instead of making strong declaratory statements. Ask for what you want & need in a clear respectful tone. Treat each other like a 50/50 business partner.
Have you asked your H why he's so stoic ? What is he afraid of showing ? or exposing ?
xoxo You're such a sweetie.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
February..... I had always left the "getaway" planning to H. I thought, he's the man, he knows if we can spend the money, he decides when to treat me...blah blah blah. Okay, the "new" me e-mailed him & said;
"if you want a sexy hot romantic fun weekend ...book us a room out of town for Valentine's day & the next night also, I'll take care of the rest of the arrangements."
We had a fantastic amazing 3 days, we made love about 7 times in those 3 days & nights.
Then we came home.....drum roll please *rata tat tat* lol
Our D said she didn't feel good. I gave her some pepto & sent her to bed. Sunday she felt crummy. I got her some 7-up & soda crackers & made her a sick bed in my bed. Everybody in town had a really bad stomach flu. We thought she had it. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday she laid in my bed in a fetal position & it hurt to move. She was vomiting & had diarrhea, no fever. Thursday she felt better, she wanted Taco Bell...blech...I said no, & got her some soup.
I got a call from my ob/gyn, she said I was positive for two types of pre-cancerous cells and should have a hysterectomy as soon as possible, considering my family history. I tell her I have to get back to her when D is feeling better.
Friday D was worse. Saturday she was showing signs of dehydration, confusion, lethargy, pale white lips. I took her to urgent care. They took blood & urine, gave her two IV's, & diagnosed her with a bladder infection. Gave us meds & sent us home. Sunday morning...she's even worse. I was done. I had been checking on this girl around the clock every 2 hours or so for 7 full days. I told H I wanted to take her to the hospital. He said let's wait another day. HUGE FIGHT, 1 hour later...we took her to the ER. Condensing the story here, her appendix had ruptured Wednesday night. She had an abscess in her abdomen. They would drain it, put her on massive antibiotics for 17 days, then remove the appendix in 4-6 weeks. I lived at the hospital for 6 days with D. H was busy working. He didn't even offer to bring me a candy bar or soda, or magazine or anything. I was pissed. When he came to visit D, he'd talk on the phone doing work. I was pissed. I missed OM.
My ob/gyn office called, they have me scheduled for surgery on March 5th. Uh, that probably won't work. Reschedule it please.
I want to run away from home again. I can't do all this. For the next 7 days I'm a nurse. I flush/drain her abdomen every 4 hours around the clock. I give her two different antibiotics every 2 & 4 hours around the clock. One of them thru a pic line that goes straight to her heart. I'm scared the whole time, but I keep it all in. H offers to help. I don't let him. I'm scared he'll forget the heparin flush, or forget to clean the pic line, or forget to take the one medicine out of the fridge. I don't trust him.
The day she got the drain removed from her abdomen, we were going to dinner to celebrate. All of us in the SUV, & a full size custom van hit us right at my door & front quarter panel. I was trapped in the car & the engine is smoking. (Geez, this stuff is good, I couldn't even make up something this crazy). I yell at the kids to get out of the car, H gets out, I climb over the console & get out. H says it was steam, not smoke. I was flipping out inside, but I never showed it. I consoled D who was flipping out on the outside. I wanted H to hold me, tell me it was going to be fine, that I was safe. I wanted him to protect me & rescue me. I felt like I was drowning. H wanted to discuss the details of the accident with me, the kids, then the officer, then the other driver.
to be continued
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Okay, now that all those strong emotions are out of the way, I can remember the point I wanted to make. Sometimes women take the long scenic route to get to their point of view.
I wasn't healthy enough to ask H for what I wanted. I thought he should just now. I had told him often enough. Why didn't he remember. Mind reading doesn't work, not even with a mother & an infant. It's trial & error;
the baby cries mom changes the diaper the baby cries mom rocks & soothes the baby the baby cries mom feeds the baby the baby cries mom burps the baby the baby cries the mom rocks the baby to sleep the baby is happy
In the first 17 years of our marriage, I cried & cried & cried, & H couldn't figure out how to make me happy.
like hugs
I wanted more hugs. why wouldn't this man hug me. In every single argument I told him, I wanted more hugs. I yelled at him, I want more hugs. He didn't want to hug me when I was yelling at him.
Later, I thought maybe he didn't want to. Maybe he was mad at me still. Maybe I didn't deserve a hug. Maybe I had bad breath. Maybe he just didn't feel like it. OMG
NOW:
H, can I have a hug? Sure babe. *hug*
It's so fricking simple. Why couldn't I get this 17 years ago ?
Because I didn't think I deserved to ask that my needs be met. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that he wouldn't meet my needs the right way. I was afraid it still wouldn't be enough to fill my empty love bucket.
So now who's fault is it that our marriage sucked for 17 years ?
Both of ours. He didn't think he deserved to ask that his needs be met either.
What a pair we were.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Cookie...i think alot of us are in that boat.... i have a lot of clarity on this now....i'm just realizing how little my needs were met in my M and how little i met my W's needs. It's not that we didn't show each other love...we did....just in the way we wanted it showed to US....
a simple miscommunication.
that's what makes things so frustrating for some of us.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
(totally teasing) 