The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

Fight today. Big one.

I'm sitting here wondering if two people can just be incompatible. At some point, ME changing is actually taking away what I want most. If I advocate for what I want, it's in opposition to H's nature.

It's July 4th. Lots of you probably have fun plans with people that you made in advance. Within those plans things might have adjusted or not worked out, but at least you had something to count on. H and his brother have been talking forever about us doing something together today...no specific plans...just yeah, we'll do whatever.

I asked H to get plans in place because it *does* take planning to gather food, etc. I'm not caring what happens--the park, the beach, our condo, etc., but please figure it out.

So yesterday he sort of does. And then, today while I'm out running errands...for today...based on what he told me, he changes it all and we really don't have plans. Now we're going to buy sandwiches, eat them in the park, and then BIL, his girlfriend and a guest are going to ditch us and go tour around. We are permitted to meet up with them for fireworks later...in a ridiculous proposition...because there is no parking at that time of night down by the fireworks and we can actually see them from where we live.

H just won't ever commit to anything, always rolls over for everyone else. All the boys in his family are like this. You might have plans, but they could ditch those plans at any moment and you are just f*cked yourself. Including $$$ wise. His dad has had him buy tickets for him and then canceled at the last minute.

I could have had plans with a friend of mine, but I put my trust in H and his brother. I wish I had just done my own thing...but then what is the point of being married?

It's about more than this too. I am 38, going to be 39 in August. Back when we were trying to get PG, I had troubles, and then the bomb happened and we put it all on hold. I am feeling the weight of my age...and H still thinks it can happen someday, what's the rush, etc.

I want a child, and my time is running out. Given my history, it's going to take commitment and planning. My M is okay...not great, not bad, just sort of there. And I'm wondering how long I wait for my dreams.

I have thought about telling H I'm going to the sperm bank and having MY child. It's a viable option, and then he isn't legally responsible for it. I know I will regret forever not having a child...and time is ticking...and so I have to decide soon.

I am just overemotional right now. H is off eating stupid sandwiches in the park with his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and their guest. He said he'd be back afterwards, but I really wish he'd just be gone all day.

Did I save this M just because of my ego? For no reason? Because I feel like it's a good thing to be flexible, but not to the point where you break.

SD