Where is the real me? What do I want?

[smartcookie]

Purple, sweetie, darling, here we go;

Do not walk, run to the library or bookstore & buy "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Controlling People" both by Patricia Evans. I believe you are in an abusive controlling marriage. jmo

Memorize this; it's nice to depend on someone, it sucks to be dependent on someone.

YOU are ALLOWED to be angry. It's okay. You can walk around your home, yell, scream, (when D isn't there), cuss, it's okay to stand up for yourself.

You talk about sharing a time line, then worry that H will get pissed that you're sharing with friends on line. Too bad for H. Must suck to be him. You are a grown woman. As long as you are not doing anything inappropriate (cyber sex, web cam sex, sharing strong emotional attachments with men who would be appropriate dating partners, etc) you can share whatever you feel is okay. (not your home address, phone number, cell phone, work location, or daughter's school, okie dokie). If H doesn't like it TOUGH. He's coming into your home without permission & you don't like it, does he care. NOPE.

So, now, check this out, you're peeved at him that he came into your home without prior notice or permission, then in the next paragraph, you're pondering what birthday present to buy him. ????????

People who invade your boundaries, & fail to respect your privacy, deny you prior notice even after politely requested.......... DO NOT get birthday presents.

Reward his good behavior, do not reward bad behavior. When he acts poorly, tell him to leave you alone. You DO need space & time for healing. When he acts nice & kind & gentle, he can come around. Then if YOU want to make love. You do. If you don't you tell him you don't feel like it. If he gets pissed, you tell him to leave. If he doesn't, you leave & go hang out at the mall for a few hours. Questions ?

Now; the disclaimer; If you are afraid that any of this will escalate his behavior, don't do it, without having a friend, relative or neighbor with you. If you believe any of this will cause him to hit you, don't do it, unless you have a strong protective person nearby. You make D*mn sure he understands, e-mail it, text it, write a letter & send it by carrier pigeon, just make sure he knows, that putting a finger on you without your consent is a dealbreaker for you (if it is). That you will proceed immediately with police intervention (here he would go to jail for 24 hours), & Divorce Proceedings.

After you have read both of those books, I would recommend you ask him to read both of them. I told my H I wouldn't speak to him, not one word, until he'd read the VAR book. He recognized himsef in the book, & it was the beginning of him changing.

Be careful, be safe, big hugs.