Where is the real me? What do I want?

[stella_k]

Hi Purple!

And thanks for taking time to 2x4 me the other day:).I really needed it!

I also realised when I got home last night that he had been in the house because teh mail was on the kitchen bench. I'm a little peeved about him coming to the house

I second Racefan's opinion. I wouldn't enter H's apt without letting him know in advance and I would expect the same courtesy from him. I perfectly understand you feeling peeved.

I'm trying to think of what I should get him for a birthday present. I don't want anything too intimate but I don't want something too impersonal either. *sigh*

I had the same problem with H's birthday . It was in the middle of our first (madly intense!) attempt at piecing it together and
I didn't know what to get him. I ended up giving him a tiny bouquet of lilies-of-the-valley and telling him truthfully that I simply didn't know what else to do. We used to give each other rather expensive and fancy gifts, so it was a 180 for me.
And he loved it!

(((((Purple)))))

[Purple]

(((((Purple)))))

Now we are properly introduced!

You are getting advice from people who understand much better than I what you are going through.

Listen to cookie! She's done this, when I was reading your posts I though I was reading about her!

Heh...thanks Jeff.

I am wistfully reading cookie's posts and hoping that though it looks impossible that I could love my h again, there is a chance that if i can change, then he can too. I just don't know if he will like who I am and I don't know if I'll like who he is.

[Purple]

I also realised when I got home last night that he had been in the house because teh mail was on the kitchen bench. I'm a little peeved about him coming to the house

I second Racefan's opinion. I wouldn't enter H's apt without letting him know in advance and I would expect the same courtesy from him. I perfectly understand you feeling peeved.

Well, it doesn't matter what I say. I have brought this up multiple times both in counselling and out. He says he has every right to come and go as he pleases. Counsellors have said that if he has that attitude then there's not much I can do about it (well, there is, but it would involve a VRO and that would really inflame things so I'm not going to do that unless I really need to!) other than move out and get another place of my own. I seriously considered it about 6 months ago but again, that would just inflame things. I just wish he understood how it can feel.

I'm trying to think of what I should get him for a birthday present. I don't want anything too intimate but I don't want something too impersonal either. *sigh*

I had the same problem with H's birthday . It was in the middle of our first (madly intense!) attempt at piecing it together and
I didn't know what to get him. I ended up giving him a tiny bouquet of lilies-of-the-valley and telling him truthfully that I simply didn't know what else to do. We used to give each other rather expensive and fancy gifts, so it was a 180 for me.
And he loved it!

(((((Purple)))))

At the moment I am thinking of a music CD (he loves electronica/trance stuff) of new stuff and maybe a massage voucher (he is training for Iron Man in December).

[Bridgestone]

Hi purple..
just checking in with my long lost twin today

A question about you both 'owning' the house.. does he still pay the mortgage? If he does, then I would just consider asking him, out of respect for your privacy, to let you know a bit ahead of time if he needs something out of the house. You aren't trying to keep him from his house, just want a measure of respect for your privacy as you are willing to do for him.

If he does not make payments on the house, then I would be a bit more direct.. ask the above and if he refuses to comply then I would tell him you will be changing the locks.

I had a 4 digit combination lock installed at my new place, because my D was notorious for showing her Dad where the extra key was kept, no matter where I would move it too.

And yes there were nights I was fearful of his temper enough to worry about him using that spare key to come into my house. I never told D this which is why I'm sure she kept telling him where it was at!

Each kid and I, & my parents have a 4 digit number that is theirs alone. On days that I knew my H was going to be in my House with D or S, I left it unlocked so there was no reason for them to enter their code. as far as I know H still does not know either of the kids codes to get into the house.

Why I suggest this is that you can program these locks to have a code and then easily 'erase' it. So if you knew he was coming over tomorrow you could program it tonight with his number and then 'erase' it tomorrow night, so it was only 'good' when you put it in! Make sense?

Just a thought.

I like your ideas about the birthday gifts. Xmas was hard here. I got him 12 gift cards for a wine/chocolate shoppe that he & I frequented before the S. I give him one a month, sent in a 'friendship' card. my own version of 'wine of the month' club.

Nice benefit is he usually shares the purchase with me
Hope you have a great day!



Hope your day has been good!

[smartcookie]

Hi All,

I'm not sure where I fit.

I have been separated from h since Jan '07 after I basically asked him to leave the house after he disclosed that he had a fling (EA which included sex only once) in Sep 06 with someone that we both knew. Someone who I considered as much a friend as I thought he did.

We have a 7 year old daughter who is with me most of the time. I work full time.

While we were separated (and I thought we were working on ourselves with the view to eventually being able to decide whether we should be together) he had several relationships with other women that I didn't find out till long after the fact. To me these relationships felt like affairs. One of these ex g/f's of his has been hassling him with phone calls and then has called me from time to time. I hang up on her these days. She seems to have left us both alone now after h told her by text that he didn't want to be part of her life. Another ex that he went out with for about 4 months has gone back to her husband. h told me he was 'devastated' and 'heartbroken' when he found out, even though he was the one that broke it off with her. He shouldn't have told me that. I don't need to hear that sort of thing. Problem is, I let him tell me. I let him lean on me. Where are my boundaries?

I haven't been with anyone else. I don't know if I want to be back with him. I do know that we both need to work on ourselves for a while. I do know I need to be stronger in my boundaries.

He is making moves that seem to indicate that he wants us to be back together but has not explicitly said so. He seems to have changed in some ways after going to his native country for 4 weeks for some faith healing.

I was getting along with my life and I even told him I wanted a divorce in Jan after he told me he wanted to get back together (while he was still going out with the girl who has since gone back to her h!).

We have been seeing each other to try and see if we can get along and we seem to in some ways be okay with each other but we are more often than not ending up in bed. He is fairly persistent with wanting to ML. I've been without sex for sometime and I love the attention but I don't think we should be having sex as I don't have the emotional boundaries to be able to stand firm if I don't want to ML. I just want to be close to him and spend time with him. I don't want to ML, it confuses things waaay too much. It feels good at the time, but then I think later on that I should not have acquiesced as I feel like I let myself be persuaded rather than making my own clear decisions (as to whether to ML or not)

Our counsellor told us both that we should not date each other and only speak when it is to do with our d7. He doesn't like that at all. I can see where the C is coming from but I'm not sure I agree either. If only we could spend time with each other without the sex, then I could see if I want to be with him. I'm not sure if any of this is clear and there is heaps more to the story but they're the things that are standing out for me at the moment. If I say to him that we should do what the counsellor suggests, he'll be p1ssed and that will be the end of us being friendly - the stress will start all over again with him being cold and I get anxious and it is not good for our daughter to see that sort of tension.

Where should I post to find similar people? I guess I feel like a potential WAW but he is the one that did the walking and infidelity.

1. You are allowed to say NO to making love
2. C is advising things that will help you strengthen your boundaries. If you're going to pay money to C, you may want to consider their advice.
3. He's allowed to be pissed, if that ends being friendly with you, oh well, he'll get over it. My H used to do the whole pissed/cold/ignore thing too. I can help you with that.
4. You don't need to be anxious when he gets cold. Imagine a bubble around you. He gets to keep his emotions. You keep yours. Okay ? The bubble can expand far away from you when you need more space, & it can move in right next to your shape when you're with your D & safe. It's YOUR bubble. You control it.
5. We're so simiar, I think you're talking about me sometimes.

hugs (if you like them)

[Bridgestone]

Imagine a bubble around you. He gets to keep his emotions. You keep yours. Okay ? The bubble can expand far away from you when you need more space, & it can move in right next to your shape when you're with your D & safe. It's YOUR bubble. You control it.
5. We're so simiar, I think you're talking about me sometimes.

So are we triplets now?

I like your analogy of the bubble. It's hard for me to not take on H's emotions or care-take so his anger does not surface. Because when it does, I take the brunt of it. Such a complicated dance he & I do. Breaking the pattern by detaching or un-meshing (is that a word?) enough to let him be hurt, frustrated, sad, whatever... without taking on & suffering the repricusions of it.

Th counselor said yesterday I 'choose" to be affected by his negative emotions, name-calling, condescending, bitterness..basically his temper tantrums.

So how does one in a relationship choose to be affected only by the positive emotions & behaviours of the other?

To me, all I can see right now is you choose to be affected by both or neither. Maybe that is why we walk away?
The effect of the positive does not outweigh the effect of the negative.

Thoughts on that as well as how to do you establish/keep the bubble in place?

[smartcookie]

hi Purple
so much of what I hear you write sounds a lot like me & my sitch
(except for the OM/OW)

not much to add except I understand. H & I are going back to counseling just for communication skills. Our are horrible. We try to talk through the hurts & what the other needs, but we just seems to 95% of the time shutting down and not getting it said or listened in a way that is productive.

I feel (opps I mean I think) until we can get better at this skill, trying to work through what needs to change, what the old hurts are, etc to improve the R will have to wait.

hugs to you today.

Hey Bridge, you may want to go find & read my lightbulb moment. Mine & H's conversations used to go just like you & your H's. It's where I talk about having an empty love bucket, & one of us needing a thick raincoat & a big umbrella.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I just don't know if he will like who I am and I don't know if I'll like who he is.

A pretty normal fear, I think!

You'll find out, if you give both of you a chance!

[smartcookie]

So are we triplets now?

I like your analogy of the bubble. It's hard for me to not take on H's emotions or care-take so his anger does not surface. Because when it does, I take the brunt of it. Such a complicated dance he & I do. Breaking the pattern by detaching or un-meshing (is that a word?) enough to let him be hurt, frustrated, sad, whatever... without taking on & suffering the repricusions of it.

Th counselor said yesterday I 'choose" to be affected by his negative emotions, name-calling, condescending, bitterness..basically his temper tantrums.

So how does one in a relationship choose to be affected only by the positive emotions & behaviours of the other?

To me, all I can see right now is you choose to be affected by both or neither. Maybe that is why we walk away?
The effect of the positive does not outweigh the effect of the negative.

Thoughts on that as well as how to do you establish/keep the bubble in place?

We're actually quadruplets, Gypsy is one of us too.

With me, it's just practice. I go to therapy. Doc tells me it's okay for H to be angry. It's not okay for H to scream, yell, stand over me, shake his finger at me, etc. When H starts to get angry, I remember what Doc said. I tell myself over & over, it's his anger, not mine. I'm not responsible for it. I don't have to carry it. I don't have to make it better. It's not mine. I have to do this in public too though. When a man is angry in public, I remind myself of my bubble, otherwise, I get nauseous.

It's also setting boundaries. When H tries to stand over me, shake his finger at me, intimidate me, I stand up, & firmly say "stop that, I will not tolerate that, that is not respectful of me as a person". Then I wait. H can either change his tone & attitude, & continue the conversation, or if he carries on in his anger intimidation, I say "I'm walking away now because you are not being respectful, when you want to speak respectfully again, I'll be in my bedroom".

I was scared to death the first time. My heart was pounding, my pulse was racing, I thought I was going to throw up. But, I did it.....and afterwards....I felt like King Kong on cocaine.

(disclaimer; an expression from CSI, not an actual experience, all the people involved were not on cocaine, King Kong was not injured in this post).

Gee, do you think I was programmed as a child about men & anger ?

[smartcookie]

Purple, sweetie, darling, here we go;

Do not walk, run to the library or bookstore & buy "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Controlling People" both by Patricia Evans. I believe you are in an abusive controlling marriage. jmo

Memorize this; it's nice to depend on someone, it sucks to be dependent on someone.

YOU are ALLOWED to be angry. It's okay. You can walk around your home, yell, scream, (when D isn't there), cuss, it's okay to stand up for yourself.

You talk about sharing a time line, then worry that H will get pissed that you're sharing with friends on line. Too bad for H. Must suck to be him. You are a grown woman. As long as you are not doing anything inappropriate (cyber sex, web cam sex, sharing strong emotional attachments with men who would be appropriate dating partners, etc) you can share whatever you feel is okay. (not your home address, phone number, cell phone, work location, or daughter's school, okie dokie). If H doesn't like it TOUGH. He's coming into your home without permission & you don't like it, does he care. NOPE.

So, now, check this out, you're peeved at him that he came into your home without prior notice or permission, then in the next paragraph, you're pondering what birthday present to buy him. ????????

People who invade your boundaries, & fail to respect your privacy, deny you prior notice even after politely requested.......... DO NOT get birthday presents.

Reward his good behavior, do not reward bad behavior. When he acts poorly, tell him to leave you alone. You DO need space & time for healing. When he acts nice & kind & gentle, he can come around. Then if YOU want to make love. You do. If you don't you tell him you don't feel like it. If he gets pissed, you tell him to leave. If he doesn't, you leave & go hang out at the mall for a few hours. Questions ?

Now; the disclaimer; If you are afraid that any of this will escalate his behavior, don't do it, without having a friend, relative or neighbor with you. If you believe any of this will cause him to hit you, don't do it, unless you have a strong protective person nearby. You make D*mn sure he understands, e-mail it, text it, write a letter & send it by carrier pigeon, just make sure he knows, that putting a finger on you without your consent is a dealbreaker for you (if it is). That you will proceed immediately with police intervention (here he would go to jail for 24 hours), & Divorce Proceedings.

After you have read both of those books, I would recommend you ask him to read both of them. I told my H I wouldn't speak to him, not one word, until he'd read the VAR book. He recognized himsef in the book, & it was the beginning of him changing.

Be careful, be safe, big hugs.