Where is the real me? What do I want?

[smartcookie]

So are we triplets now?

I like your analogy of the bubble. It's hard for me to not take on H's emotions or care-take so his anger does not surface. Because when it does, I take the brunt of it. Such a complicated dance he & I do. Breaking the pattern by detaching or un-meshing (is that a word?) enough to let him be hurt, frustrated, sad, whatever... without taking on & suffering the repricusions of it.

Th counselor said yesterday I 'choose" to be affected by his negative emotions, name-calling, condescending, bitterness..basically his temper tantrums.

So how does one in a relationship choose to be affected only by the positive emotions & behaviours of the other?

To me, all I can see right now is you choose to be affected by both or neither. Maybe that is why we walk away?
The effect of the positive does not outweigh the effect of the negative.

Thoughts on that as well as how to do you establish/keep the bubble in place?

We're actually quadruplets, Gypsy is one of us too.

With me, it's just practice. I go to therapy. Doc tells me it's okay for H to be angry. It's not okay for H to scream, yell, stand over me, shake his finger at me, etc. When H starts to get angry, I remember what Doc said. I tell myself over & over, it's his anger, not mine. I'm not responsible for it. I don't have to carry it. I don't have to make it better. It's not mine. I have to do this in public too though. When a man is angry in public, I remind myself of my bubble, otherwise, I get nauseous.

It's also setting boundaries. When H tries to stand over me, shake his finger at me, intimidate me, I stand up, & firmly say "stop that, I will not tolerate that, that is not respectful of me as a person". Then I wait. H can either change his tone & attitude, & continue the conversation, or if he carries on in his anger intimidation, I say "I'm walking away now because you are not being respectful, when you want to speak respectfully again, I'll be in my bedroom".

I was scared to death the first time. My heart was pounding, my pulse was racing, I thought I was going to throw up. But, I did it.....and afterwards....I felt like King Kong on cocaine.

(disclaimer; an expression from CSI, not an actual experience, all the people involved were not on cocaine, King Kong was not injured in this post).

Gee, do you think I was programmed as a child about men & anger ?