SC, You are not just smart and tough. You are now a "happy" cookie! Don't forget about your H! Much love to you and your family. Keep up the good work for the rest of your life!
SC - I would say I never thought I could do that for my W in that sitch, but after reading your thread, though the pain of doing it would hurt, I think now I could. Why ? Because the pain I'vce put my W through for so long without realising, because if you love someone enough, you want them to be happy and I am now at that place where if her being happy is to be with someone else, so be it.
I hope when you've caught up the full year you can add it together for us in one place and the mods bookmark it top of this forum as this, as I and others have said, is by far the most usual information I have found since starting this. Yes, the books are great, but to see the situation in all it's 'glory' from the WAW eyes is simply mind blowing.
? for you. My W is looking at a dating website. Should I mention I know ? (I found out as a friend mentions he'd seen her on it so I checked. I just find it a bit weird)
January '08. Most people are so glad to see the fresh start of a new year. I wasn't. I thought for sure this would be the year I got a divorce.
We fought. I was getting stronger, & able to express myself better. H was tired of kissing my ass, he wanted results, he wanted things to progress faster. He wanted me to forgive him. He wanted....he wanted...he wanted....
Everytime we fought, I pulled back. I missed OM. I imagined that he would tell me I was doing great. He would tell me to take my time. He would say it's okay to heal at my own pace.
H was swinging back & forth wildly. He'd be super sweet for days, then boom, a fight, then super sweet, then boom, another fight. I felt crazy. H saw me numb. Most of the time. We had sex 7 times that month. 3 of those times, I spun into a flashback. Sex was terrifying for me.
Everytime I walked into my home/office where H had installed the keylogger software, I'd start to feel panicked. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sit in there without crying. I felt violated in my own home. Everytime I walked into my bedroom, I checked different spots to see if he was recording me again. I took the vent off the a/c to see if he'd installed a camera. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just didn't feel safe. I went into my large walk in closet, in the dark, to have any type of privacy, to talk to my mom, my best girlfriend, to cry. I wasn't sleeping. For about 3 years, I hadn't been sleeping. I'd wake every 20 minutes or so. My C thought this was a PTSD reaction to being abused during the night. We tried different meds. Some helped a little.
Every time I went to therapy, I cried. I cried about OM, I cried about my Dad, I cried about my childhood. I cried because OM wasn't everything I idealized him to be. I cried because of how H had treated me for all those years. That it was okay with him to treat me that way, until I brought in another man to help me stand up to him. H would call me while I was driving home & want me to talk to him about C. I couldn't even think, let alone drive & talk. My brain was mush, like day old oatmeal. Was this really my life? I'd learn things in therapy on Monday, then forget them by Wednesday. I'd have to learn them over again the next Monday. My memory was horrible. I had compartmentalized so many different emotions & pieces of my life, I couldn't view it all at once. It was overwhelming. I had to watch a video of when the kids were babies to remember my H holding them & playing with them. I couldn't see him in any of my memories. It was always me & the kids.
When H was at work, & the kids were at school, I'd lay on the floor in a fetal position & sob. I'd cry so hard my body hurt & ached. I was crying a lifetime of tears that hadn't ever seen the light of day.
I was also scared of dying. I was waiting on the test results to determine if I had cervical cancer. My grandmother & mother both had it. On the 29th it hurt to urinate. On the 30th, I urinated & saw a lot of blood in the toilet. I wanted to call OM, I wanted him to tell me that I was going to be fine. I wasn't supposed to die yet.
Once the kids came home, I pretended to be fine again. I drove them to soccer, basketball, friends houses, I helped with homework, I fixed dinner, & then I'd retreat into TV or the computer, or my bed with a book. I wanted to run away. I wanted to pack & leave. I hurt so bad. I imagined that there would be somewhere I could go that I wouldn't hurt. The only thing that would make the hurt go away was OM, any OM that gave me the right type of attention. My addiction.
H couldn't feed my addiction. He was emotional risky. I was married to him. He had the potential to hurt me, leave me, abandon me, decide I wasn't good enough, take my kids, put me in a mental hospital. Of course in my idealization OM would never do any of that, & legally, OM couldn't. He was safer.
I can't believe this was only 5 months ago.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
and honestly, i don't know if i could hold my W as she cried about another man....depends on my state of mind...in other words which of my two minds was in control...rational vs emotional...the emotional one would feel all those negative feelings, and my rational one would feel terrible and want to comfort my friend....... Your husband is amazing!
Neil, my "old" husband would have been emotional & rejecting. His pride would have made him put his foot down & not tolerate this treatment. His ego would have wanted to save face.
The "new" husband is amazing. He put me first. He put my needs first. He pushed his own emotions aside to nurture mine.
I have a saying on my fridge, it's really about kids, but it applies here to;
"their needs must come before your wants, but their wants must never come before your needs".
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I found a text from my wife that said ILY to this OM. That sent me over the edge for months. Here was a guy who came back into her life after 20 years and was being told what should only of been said to me.
Was I angry, was I hurt you bet. How could she do this to me. I was there thru the good and now the bad (so I thought). I was there helping with the kids, the house, making ends meet and he was reaping the rewards. It sucked.
Did I want to hold her, make her feel better are you kidding me. I wanted to hunt him down, I wanted to disown her. The only thing that kept me sane was hopeing it did not get P. I snooped, tryed to figure out her cell phone lock code. Drove by his house you name it I did it.
So no I will not raise my hand.
Your H is a better man than me in this department. I give him credit for that.
Would I do it now, yes. I see my part in this mess and I feel right now I could but a couple of months ago now way.
I'm sure my H felt all of that too. I don't think my H is a "better man", I think he was at a different point in his growth. I was at a different point in my growth. It's really not fair of me to compare two different couples, & how they handle things & I sure am not here to judge any person for how they handle their sitch. There are sooooo many extenuating circumstances. All I can do, is share my story & hope to create some "aha" moments for other people. CBK gave me one of my most precious "aha" moment. I'm paying it forward, & maybe healing some more in the process.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thinking not to hard of what I would do but what to post SC. I think I would hold her while she cried. Unconditional love is it? I guess the question I am struggling with is, would WAW want me to hold her....
H always asks "do you want me to hold you". At first my answer was always no. He was hurting me, how could he comfort me. He kept offering. Even after I said no 300 times.
Now, my answer is usually yes.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
interesting, cookie, because i wax and wane between thinking "how could she leave ME?" to "OMG...i've hurt her so much she's never going to come back!"
ugh.
interesting and inspiring story tho...giving me some serious "aha" moments..
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
SC, I had read part of your story. That first amazing post. I am reading the rest of it now. Thank you for doing this. Are you proud of your H? K
I really am. I keep looking at him, wondering if this nice kind caring alien that has moved into his body is going to leave. I hope not. It's just so different. He's completely 180 from how he used to be. I guess it just takes more time to sink in & adjust.
We were talking in the tub last night. He doesn't even remember saying a bunch of the stupid stuff he used to, like;
"I don't know if I could love you if you ever got fat".
(I'm 5'9", the only time I've ever weighed over 145# is when I was pregnant with his 4 kids!!)
Hopefully, soon, one day, I'll forget also. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the "new" him.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Me. I did this. But not because she was in withdrawal. She cried because she couldn't, and never did, give him up.
This hurts my heart........you're a good man Peter. Don't ever doubt that. You did all that you could & then some.
"never" is a very long time.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
