Ok, so here's what happened. Keep in mind that H has never been the one to bring up S/D or even R talk in the 2 years since our S. He's also a non-spewer who rarely contacts us unless it's to talk to S.
(Not all details are here because I was half asleep when this happened.)
First thing in the morning when I'm still sleeping, my phone rings. It's H asking what present he should buy for our mutual friends. Almost immediately after that, he starts in on what happened between him and another close friend of ours last night (I'll name him B). H says he doesn't ever want to see B again at any of our gatherings/kid's parties, etc. - that he had to hold himself back from getting into a fight with B only out of respect for friend who was celebrating important event. B was badgering H on why he's still stringing me along, why he hasn't filed, why we haven't made any decisions. So H told me that we need to do something if that's what everyone thinks - that he'll pay legal fees on both sides and that at the very least, we should have S papers. Also said that it's just a piece of paper and that nothing's going to change. ??? He continued to tell me about all of B's infidelities (stuff I kind of already knew, but didn't want to know any more about since B's W is one of my closest friends). Threatened (to me) to tell B's W everything if B confronted him again on our sitch. Couldn't believe B's W was so naive to not know.
From what I can remember, I told him who cares what other people think or tell him to do - that I would have filed a long time ago if I listened to what people told me to do. Told him that I'll go through with it when I'm ready but if H wants S or D (he never did say the word "divorce" though) that I would give it to him if that's what would make him happy. I think I got a little choked up when I told him that. Also told him that not many people understand what I'm fighting for. I did defend B, because I know he means well (despite H thinking B's only looking out for himself). Told H that B's been a good friend to me and that I'm close to the entire family. Told him that I was also very naive and to please not tell B's W about him because it's a family he'd be ruining. I really can't remember what his response was, but he didn't argue with me.
We never came to any conclusions on the S or if H was going to get going on that. I did my best to try to calm H down, as I could tell he was really agitated by what happened with B (obviously, since he called me way before the time he's usually up). I asked him, besides being mad at B, how he was doing lately. He said he was ok, but losing sleep over work. He talked a lot about his work, then talked about some financial stuff. Asked if I had enough money in our joint account. I told him that I have enough, but that more never hurt. He claimed to not realize that there wasn't much left after all the bills were paid and said that he'll be adding more every month. The convo lasted about half an hour. After we hung up, I messaged him that I was proud of him for not getting in to it with B and how hard that must have been. No reply, but H did call me 2 times after that to discuss the present for friends again - which in the end he said could be from both of us, instead of just him.
The Good: H chose to call ME to talk about what happened, even if it was out of desperation. We actually had a conversation. He brought up S/D for once. He suggested giving a joint gift. He's being more responsible and helping out financially.
The Bad: He brought up S/D. Says nothing's going to change. (That was the real killer, even though I'm not quite sure what he meant exactly.) Doesn't want to have anything to do with my group of close friends who I often spend important occasions with.
The Ugly: H still came across as feeling justified by his choices. No guilt, no remorse after all this time. H is calling B a hypocrite but not seeing that as bad as B is, at least he didn't leave his family for a whore like H did. How sadly common this lifestyle is among H's friends.
There was so much that I wanted to say to H but I bit my tongue. I was in pathetic roll-up-in-a-ball-and-wanna-cry mode for a while. Then I thought about all the people on here that have been through SO much worse - and the few that have even reconciled after all the times their S said they were never coming home - and I blew it off. Until I had to run to the bathroom and almost puke from the thought of H going ahead with the filing.
As for the dream I had the other night - it was freaky because I dreamt of a friend and eating a really bizarre food. When I saw the friend the next day, I told her about my dream. She had eaten that exact food for dinner. I had also dreamt of H that night. He had a really nasty growth on him that I was able to overlook, but that I knew there was no way the ogre could, which proved she was only after his money. And also that h and I were seeing each other while he was still with ogre and I was ok with that. Maybe because I have been having thoughts about being the OW and wondering if I could ever go through with it, even though he is my H. Anyway, so so strange and very very disturbing.
Really needed to vent and get all of that out. Thanks for reading - keeping it short and to the point is not my specialty.
