I should post the write-up I did for myself. I think it is still very word-y. But its there, for now, for the occasional morale booster, when someone writes to say I have pretty eyes.

Today went pretty well. It was a hard one, but I don't think the kids sensed it too much. MIL went with us for the end of the day, and I refrained from whining; trying to keep up the positive (act as if, right?)

This was the night that used to be our tailgating party at the mall, followed by the fireworks. I made new plans with the kids. They each picked a friend, and we got passes to the carnival that is also at the mall this week.
The day started by going to a friend's to pick gooseberries, black and red raspberries. Then, we picked up one kid to come back to the house for a while. They played, then off for the camp physical for S (3 shots, and he was a trooper). Picked up MIL and other kid, then off to the Mall. The kids took a cell phone and went to ToysRUs, while MIL and I went shopping at Christmas Tree (a GREAT discount store!), and I was very restrained and bought Nothing--I usually can't get out of there for under $100. Pizza for dinner, then the carnival. Took a break for the fireworks, then more rides. Funnel cake for the long ride home (traffic is always a bear out of there). After taxi-ing the other kids home, we are just getting settled to bed at 12:30--Happy 4th!!!!!!!

Inside, it was a bit hard for me. x and gf and whoever they finally convinced to join them were on the other side of the mall. He called the kids at his usual time while we were eating, and I thought it was FIL calling. I was all chipper, asked What's Up before I realized who it was. I think he could here the instant uneasiness as soon as I realized who I was talking to (they have the same voice on the phone).

I did a lot of internal remenicing, watching the teens holding hands, the new families with baby strollers, remembering....we had such a long history together; everything is a memory. I think I may have been quiet a few times, but the rest of the place was so noisy and happy and full of energy, I don't think the kids noticed, and I couldn't stay that way for long. All so bittersweet.

The kids thanked me a bunch when we got home, said they had a great day. We are invited to a BBQ and swimming tomorrow, and my great friend from LI is coming up to stay for a few days--we'll be taking the kids camping for 3 nights at a Jellystone campground \:\)

I wonder if he really felt the difference today, some effect for his choices. I know that many of the "regulars" who always came to the party backed out. His sibs, for various reasons, our mutual friends.
I wonder what life is like for him, now. I wonder if he thought of me when my favorite fireworks went off (the ones that twinkle). I think he just muttered, "that b!tch" when he missed his kids being there. It is still such a strange thought to me, that the person who once loved me most, now sees me as the enemy.

Random wonderings. It doesn't strike at the heart as deep and hurtful as it did, once. Feels like a scientist, making observations, instead. Detached? More wrapping my brain around reality, acceptance of what is. We are coming up on a year to when the affair was found out, when the really bad time started. It was 7/15. Their 2 year anniversary (at least physically; emotionally, it has already been more than 2 years).

I don't really like being in the world alone, but I guess I am getting used to it, even if reluctantly.