Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

Yep Bridge...I think you know what it's like.

There is too much angst to deal with him, too much misunderstanding and knee jerk reactions. I don't understand what we wants from me. He claims to have been clear about it and I don't want to pick a fight and show my [female equivalent to DAM] because I don't understand what he is saying and not only that, but if I do understand, I don't realise how important it is to him. Or....I do understand, but I just can't do what he says he wants.

[Racefan]

{{{Purple}}}...

I am sorry you are in such turmoil your post just ooze anguish, doubt, and confusion. I still don't have a complete grasp what direction you are wanting to go but then none of our sitch's make sense. So if I say something wrong or whatever I will apologize now (sorry)

H sounds controlling. From what I gather at this point you would just like to get to a point of communication actual adult convo and then see about the M. Everytime you try and talk H gets angry & starts rantin and ravin right? Makes you get frustrated tongue tied & flustered question yourself & so on right? This is how he controls he makes you feel guilty for being honest. Has he ever shown remorse for the A's? He figured you were done so had more, and laid that blame on you also. Where is his responsibilty in this?

When H does show alittle change what is it that brings that out in him & what makes it go away? Is it when he sees you being okay on your own? Is it when he sees you talking the way you want to? There seems to be alot of misconceptions, assumption, and conclusions without any basis. You talked about body language how you did something and he took it totally wrong & thought the opposite. Nothing hurts a R more than assumption, take it from me I am the king.

I think you and your C said it best, work on yourselves, go semi-dark on H work on you build up you PMA, go GAL'ing with GF's, spend time with your D. I think IMHO once you are back to being comfortable with yourself, you will be in a better position. You have just as much right to share your feelings and view points in a non threatening manner as H does communication is 90% listening and 5% validating and 5% talking.

Peace be in your heart...

Brian

[Purple]

Well, it is h's birthday next Monday and I think last Friday when I talked to him I said that I would like to take him out for his birthday with d7 on Sunday 6th (cos he works Monday nights). At the time he said "I'll think about it" in his I'm upset with you and won't give you the satisfaction of a straight answer voice.

This morning he rang me to ask if we could swap IC appointments today (he is booked but wanted to swap with me for next week). I said no I can't because I have a course today. He said he'd work something out. I told him about my plans for d7 for school holidays (mostly vacation care but two days at two different friends houses). I told him I'd email him those dates (that d will be at friends houses) and he said okay. Then he asked if I still wanted to go out to dinner on Sunday night for his birthday. I said of course (but I'm worried and nervous!).
So later on I got hold of the restaurant I had suggested but they can't fit us in on Sunday unless we could come at 5.30 or 8.30pm. I rang h, it went to voice mail. I left him a message asking him if he was working Sunday and what time he finishes (it's usually 6pm so I didn't think either dinner seating time would work). He texted me back (which is a 180 for him, he would usually call - I think I prefer the texting, you can't leap onto another topic easily in texts like we seem to do on the phone) that he works till 6. I texted back that I can't get us in to the place I had suggested and asked him if he would like to go somewhere else. He texted back "u pick". NO pressure....none at all...sheesh.

I'm trying to think of what I should get him for a birthday present. I don't want anything too intimate but I don't want something too impersonal either. *sigh*

He hasn't replied to my email(s) yet either. I'll be surprised if he does.

We also have our second mediation appointment on Monday (his birthday - niiiiice - not) so it'll be so much fun going out to dinner the night before when I think that he doesn't really want to do the mediation. I just want some structure and I haven't been able to do that without a third party (counsellor type!) involved.

[Purple]

I also realised when I got home last night that he had been in the house because teh mail was on the kitchen bench. I'm a little peeved about him coming to the house (we both own it still so he has every right to come and go) because I wasn't expecting him to be there and my first reaction was to look around and see what state the house was in (bit below average). My second reaction was, what have a I left out in the open and has he snooped? He's not likely to snoop, at least as far as I am aware so I shouldn't worry. I'm just a bit peeved because I can't rock up to his place and walk in and have a look around. Who knows, he probably just came by to find something of his own adn bought the mail in for me.

[Purple]

He also emailed me today but it was in reply to me letting him know dates for Vacation Care.

[Racefan]

Purple darling you have every right to be peeved. Whether he is part owner or not you deserve the respect of H asking if he can go in. Would you have that freedom to go into his place?
You need IMO need to set some boundaries, by him being gone he kinda lost that right in a way.

In my sitch, W knows that it's still her house but knows that she drew a line in the sand by leaving, at this point it is not her house. I have never made the boundary she just knows it's a respect thing. Heck I don't even know where she lives, never asked and she has never given it to me.

Boundaries you need to make this known for your own salvation.

Peace be in your heart

Brian

[sandi2]

Thanks for taking the time to post. Either you're a majorly quick thinker and typer or you've got waay too much time on your hands *grin*

uh....hum.....yeah, I guess you could say I am a quick thinker and typer. The thing is, I just start typing and the words just seem to come flow out. As far as having too much time on my hands, well, that's a long story and it would take you way too long to read my stitch from the beginning. I hold down a full time job, but due to physical problems, I am not able to do much of anything once I get home except watch TV or come to the computer. My H usually falls alseep om the couch as soon as he eats super, so that leaves me alone. Suppose I do devote a lot of long hours to the Board, but if I can give back just a little bit, it would be worth it to me. This board saved me from making the biggest mistake form my live.

Well, got to to bed. Hope things get better soon.

Take Care,
Sadi

[Jeanette1120]

Hey Purple *my fav color by the way) !!

Thank you for your kind words on Sofaraways thread.

No, I do not have my own thread as of this moment.

Oneday when I'm closer to the end of my journey I'll update.

I normally live in the MLC Forum, but Phil has intrigued me, not sure why as he is a bit of a rebel!! But I think we all were in the beginning. It's a big pill to swallow!

I was going to read your posts when I got home this evening but yeah, some guy decided to rear end me doing 40mph,

Thanks for asking about me. I appreciate it and you.

Hugs,

Jeanette

[smartcookie]

Hi Purple, ahhh, we have so much in common. I'm going to send you a pm at that other site.

I'm headed to bed now, exhausted, & my eyes are blurry & crossed, but I'll read this again in the am, & try to offer something helpful. In the meantime, just take care of you, & rejoice in the fact that you're not alone in this.

That's all you "have" to do.

hugs

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Purple)))))

Now we are properly introduced!

You are getting advice from people who understand much better than I what you are going through.

Listen to cookie! She's done this, when I was reading your posts I though I was reading about her!