This morning I mentioned to S7 that today marked W & my 17th Anniversary. He got all excited and then I told him to calm down -- that we were not going to celebrate it. He looked at me with the saddest, most disappointed look. I commiserated with him and told him it just wasn't going to happen any more -- his mother was dissolving the M and we were no longer going to be married.
I was fully intending to be upbeat today despite everything, and then this scene with S7 got me pondering. And when I made it into work I began stewing over this day even more. This was the first time in 17 years I had not taken this day off from work.
I sent W a short email this morning, against better judgement:
Quote:
I keep asking myself, but I just can't say for sure... Knowing what I know now, would I do it all over again?
If I was sure you had truly loved me? Yes, despite the pain. For better and worse. Otherwise? I just don't know.
I am sorry I let this happen to us. Please forgive me.
It was probably not the best move I could have come up with. This evening I noted that W had sent a reply this afternoon:
Quote:
I'm sorry we let this happen too. Going forward is painful, but going back would be far more painful so I have to go forward. I look back & see the warning signs along the way.... I see times <my brother> & <my SIL> & our neighbors have taken for themselves. That would have been great. There did not seem to be a whole lot of interest on either of our parts. You have complained about me controlling things & I have lamented that I had to because you wouldn't. I did vocalize these laments to a distracted & uninterested husband. These were the curling brown leaves on a dying marriage plant. I can't go back. Lets go forward & work out the best routine for the kids. That is my focus now. I don't care about money. I'll take or give whatever the court says is fair. I'll file next week. They would prefer a signed separation agreement, but oh well. 16 was all I could take. I'm sorry
.
I shouldn't be surprised at the repeated attacks. Nor with her continuing to misrepresent my feelings or intent during our M, and the complete mischaracterization of my actions. She continues to make it sound as if I was the one consciously trying to destroy our M. I sent a response just now, trying to stay even-keeled:
Quote:
Go in peace is all I ask.
I said nothing about going back. I merely wanted to acknowledge today, but in so doing it brought back up the pain of what was lost, and so I felt the need to express my regret. If you have none, fine.
That speaks volumes, sadly.
But I lay all that aside, because no matter what, above all else, I want to take this occasion to thank you for our children. Something good did come of this at the least. And acknowledging the significance of this day is, if nothing else, a recognition of their significance in our lives.
Why do I think a leopard can change its spots? Because it happened once at least. Either that or she had me completely fooled for the entire 16 years leading up to the bomb.
Husband, I am inclined to think that my W might be an addict of some sort after all. Maybe not coke, but something nearly as devastating.
