Hello my Gypsy! I found you!! Just checking in. Glad Dad let his kiddos in the bat cave. Good job Mama, not quizzing the cubs when they got home. Big proud. Thinking of you.
After posting on Arthur's thread and reading your post, something occurred to me.
In many ways I lost my father when I was growing up because I could not turn to him or trust him. Even without the abuse, he was a cold domineering person who scared the living daylights out of me. I turned away from my mom though I'd tried to connect with her without my dad being part of it.
Perhaps what I lost, never had.. is one reason why I fight for what I feel is most important.. a sense of family, having both parents. Guess what.. I'm learning that being healthy makes all that easier.
suggested I bow out of the BBQ. I know folks will be drinking (and they can drink) and since I won't be, it might get a little tough. More stuff than is needed might come out.. or I may trip and say too much. In the past his family has not been the nicest to me.
Your brother really gives great advice! You absolutely don't need that--not any time, and especially not right now. You are doing such a great job in working on your SE (have you looked at any of those books Ian recommended? think I'm going to...we share a lot of the same SE issues, although not the same background), but i would suggest that now is not the time to put that work to such a potentially big challenge as that...
Spending time with your niece sounds like a plan to me...you and Sunny both have your 'no controlling' thing goin'on
We're doing the 'happy family' thing tomorrow...(S12 doesn't know yet that H is sleeping elsewhere), and going to a minor league ballgame with fireworks...will be fun, although i'm fairly convinced that H suggested it this am because OW and her kids will be there. In a crowd of thousands, I never fail to see her at things like this...
Okay, I'm starting to feel like we're playing a game of hide and seek. *find where the newcomer moved to* lol
How the heck did you fill 9 pages so fast. Sheesh. Did I sleep through a few days, or something.
You do sound wonderful. Ms Butterfly.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"After the past four months, I no longer know what is or isn't. It's all been scrambled by emotion."
That was a really cool thought. Honestly.. I am surprised you realized it. That is fabulous.
"I go thunking along, getting some things but feeling like I'm walking through a caves full of tunnels."
Doing Work.. is just that. You can't unlearn all the stuff.. and figure it all out.. in a week. Work starts with the understanding of what needs to be done. Then you have to make a plan.. or read the instructions. You might need tools.. so you have to gather them close. Then once you have everything in place.. you Work.
Sometimes.. the instructions.. or your plan of attack.. don't fit. Then you have to stop and regroup. Now the Work you have accomplished.. is still there.. so you need to pick back up and finish.
Don't expect that just because you understand it better.. it will make it any easier.
"So, I keep what works for me with DB. If working some of the relationship techniques puts me in a stuck position, it's not the time to do them. I have to work on me."
Work on other relationships. I think you kinda are anyway.. but working on you can bring about friends. Use some of the new "tools" on people you know. Remember.. Practice makes Perfect.
"I'm getting a little tired of always getting upset after talking to spouse."
Work is hard.. you will always have some Emotion tied up here. And it is easier to go with what you know.
""constructive destruction" always made me feel better."
I don't know that I would have thought of that as a GAL activity.. but I can see where it would work. I am gonna tuck that away in the memory bank. You may see it used sometime.
"So much of this time has been spent in self doubt, feeling like what I do accomplish isn't enough."
Just to point out.. the SIL was seeking you out.. Now.. I am a bit slow.. but I think she saw all the hard work you did.
"It was a great feeling to address an issue and feel comfortable about it."
Excellent!
I have an odd question.. or statement.
The bump on the head.. I seem to remember you spent a lot of time doing "nothing". Could this "physical activity" that seems to calm you be a "effect" of that? Please.. don't take that wrong.. I am just not really sure how to word that question.
"I'm almost thinking that it would be best if just the kids go to the BBQ."
You go.. and let them decide if they want to. Worst case.. you end up going alone. SIL called you.. I gotta expect.. she would like to see you.
"I felt myself regressing to the cower in the cobwebs persona because I was afraid someone got angry at me.. maybe even a few people did. Guess what.. I faced it, posted about it.. dealt with it. That felt positive."
Now see.. I have to go read MFT's thread now.. I feel I missed some Drama. God I hate that. (I kinda knew something was up.. Now I gotta go read it.) Like I did not have enough reading to do..
"My infamous brother suggested I bow out of the BBQ. I know folks will be drinking (and they can drink) and since I won't be, it might get a little tough. More stuff than is needed might come out.. or I may trip and say too much. In the past his family has not been the nicest to me. Perhaps I'll invite my niece to come down this weekend and hang with us instead of going to the fete."
This kinda changes things.. maybe. I am confused.
The party.. yea I missed something.. maybe. I just read start to finish this post.. I reserve the right to question you.. later.. tonight!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Today was busy. Since my two older sons were going to be gone for the weekend, I invited my 12 year old niece to come down today (she lives in the next state), so both she and my daughter would have someone to hang out with. It was a frenzied drive with my brother-in-law calling as we were trying to meet each other on the highway. I drove 1.5 hours of the 2 hour drive but it was worth it.
The girls and I stopped to see my mother-in-law, their grandmother for a visit. She's almost 91, still very vital and appreciated my stopping by. The most constant thought she has of me is when we first met 26 years ago. She jokes how she can't remember what happened yesterday.. but I haven't found that to be true yet.
She kept looking at me in a strange way, asking me if I had lost weight. Alas.. I have gained weight and told her so. She kept commenting on how beautiful my face looked, how I looked very good. I took the compliment gladly.
We left when the girls were hungry and stopped at a restaurant, running into a friend of my mom and mother-in-laws who recently moved up to this new area. I bought her lunch (she's 88) telling her I never get to spoil her. She was always the type of person who when my parents had their parties and us kids were the 'help' would always talk to us like we were real people, not teenagers to be ignored and/or patronized... a very genuine woman.
She brought up knowing about the divorce, something I didn't mention and encouraged me to make sure the kids had a positive relationship with their dad. Oddly enough she kept talking about how committed I was to my father and what a positive influence he'd been in my life. I kept quiet and nodded.
We stopped to shop and at Starbucks... a total girl thing. Instead of rushing from point A to point B we meandered back to home, stopping here and there on our way back.
Once we got home we had time to run a few errands. Once home I just wanted to rest.. but did some work online, reading a note from their dad who informed me he would be out of the country til the 16th on business. This is the first time since before he left he's notified me of his travel dates. His email was a bare bones reminder. I replied "thx".
I try not to dwell on projecting.. that his leaving so early means they're traveling together; hearing how happy he is 'living his own life'; the puppy they have really gets me which they've probably only had 2 weeks.. the whole making a commitment thing.
I don't know why I want him to want me or to come back. I keep thinking it's not him I know. Just let it all go and move forward.
The girls and I will hang out and go up to the BBQ on Saturday. No one knew spouse would be out of the country. Apparently when my daughter told him about the get together.. he just said, Oh.. and was thoughtful for a second. It sounds like the kids had fun telling the girlfriend stories about their dad, usually embarrassing ones.
Anyway.. I figure the girls would have had a nice time together and if I don't feel like staying that long or spending the night, I can just leave early.
My mother-in-law did say how important I was to the family, that I always would be part of the family. I'll focus on protecting myself.. avoiding the near occasion of hearing about spouse and not talking about him. Once their drinking takes off, I'll make my excuses and drive home. If I time it right as I drive along the coast, you can see firework displays almost all the way home.
Ninety minutes of fireworks and do wonders for the soul.
One odd thing... people have been commenting on my green eyes. When I was a kid I was told they were brown, then the best I could do was swamp colored eyes.. you know the muddy leaf look. I noticed spouse's eyes when from a hard blue to a soft cornflower blue.. which was always a sign that he was calm. Perhaps my eyes turning greener is a sign of calm for me too.
It's neat to get compliments after being such a drudge for so long.
"After the past four months, I no longer know what is or isn't. It's all been scrambled by emotion."
That was a really cool thought. Honestly.. I am surprised you realized it. That is fabulous.
Uncertainity is the only certainty.
"I go thunking along, getting some things but feeling like I'm walking through a caves full of tunnels."
Doing Work.. is just that. You can't unlearn all the stuff.. and figure it all out.. in a week. Work starts with the understanding of what needs to be done. Then you have to make a plan.. or read the instructions. You might need tools.. so you have to gather them close. Then once you have everything in place.. you Work.
My plan seems to be avoiding contact with spouse except when I've had enough time away to feel comfortable around him. I just want to shake this cloak of discomfort off and not care.
Sometimes.. the instructions.. or your plan of attack.. don't fit. Then you have to stop and regroup. Now the Work you have accomplished.. is still there.. so you need to pick back up and finish.
Try, assess, adjust.
My focus has been on me, on the kids.
Don't expect that just because you understand it better.. it will make it any easier.
Darn.. just when I was hoping for a gimme.
"So, I keep what works for me with DB. If working some of the relationship techniques puts me in a stuck position, it's not the time to do them. I have to work on me."
Work on other relationships. I think you kinda are anyway.. but working on you can bring about friends. Use some of the new "tools" on people you know. Remember.. Practice makes Perfect.
When I start behaving like the old Kathleen, I try and change my attitude, going almost straight to DBing. Half the time I'm saying something in mid-sentence, get the oopsie, I've done it again... and then ask a question and listen. But my oh my do I love to hear my voice!
I'll finish up the rest later.. goodness I am tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired!
Just checking in. Glad Dad let his kiddos in the bat cave. Good job Mama, not quizzing the cubs when they got home. Big proud. Thinking of you.
