You do what you wanna do, I leave it all up to you

[Sugar and Spice]

Thanks guys, I'm not feeling much better today, but I'll get through it. I think maybe DD's birthday was a kind of trigger or just realizing that July is finally here and things are no better than they were and I had hoped that they would be. The reality of him being gone for 6 months is setting in and I'm looking at my finances and I don't know how I'm going to do this by myself. The money he pays for "support" now only really covers the house payment and some of the bills - the rest is up to me and I'm finding that with gas going up and everything else, I'm not going to be able to make ends meet and I'm scared. I'm really just scared of being alone. I'm just an emotional mess right now. Facing the reality that H could be here if he really wanted to, but just doesn't is hard. You go along fine and then all of a sudden it just hits you like a ton of bricks and its so damn hard not to let it get to you or take it all so personally. I know its not about me, but somewhere in the back of my mind I can't help but ask, "Man, what'd I do to deserve this?"