Short recap: From almost a year ago 1. H had affair for 4 months (he ended it with OW) 2. I DB, and did the NC for almost 6 months 3. 3 months ago started talking again about us and what went wrong, we had long conversations that were wonderful.....exchanging "I love yous" He has been going to counseling for depression (Finally) 4. During this time both of us not sure what was going to happen with us, but we were taking it slow nonetheless, and enjoying each other's company again. We both really missed each other during the NC. 5. 1 month ago I lashed out (old feelings about OW) at him in an argument due to an inconsiderate thing he did. He was really really hurt.... 6. Then Husband decides not ready to get back together after thinking he was to do so (but he never actually told me this) 7. Still in contact now, hang out 1-2x a week but H is "kinda dating somebody" while he decides? BTW, she is married, but separated right now, and has done this a few times with her H. My H is not sure he is ready for something serious right now with me.......
The confusing thing is: He still tells me he loves me, he cares about me, and he is extremely attracted to me (we were together last week, even). I hear this pretty much every week. We go to lunch together, have had a picnic together. We talk on the phone every few days. He tells me he misses me. I tell him the same.
What is going on? In some ways it seems like we're piecing, as we work towards a better relationship, including talking about us, but he is at a slower pace than I am.
Then I also wonder because he is "kinda" seeing somebody else, if he is using me as a backup?
Deep down I don't really believe he is using me, but then why is he seeing her?
Art, The conversations and quality time you describe seem sincere. I doubt that he's that good of an actor to be using you.
I don't think you are in Piecing yet, but have the potential to do so. I think of Piecing as connection restored, but working thru issues not yet resolved. The M is not yet on stable ground.
The early stages of Piecing and prior to Piecing are like dating again. You live separate lives, yet invest time into the R to see what potential is there.
The fact that you had a R talk is significant. Many couples have difficulty with this when Piecing. It sounds like the issues are out on the table.
What remains to be seen is the two of you have the commitment to work on issues and grow in ways that are difficult, so that he can become a better H and person? This is a time for us to work on those underdeveloped parts of ourselves. Piecing provides each partner a second chance to address unresolved issues, but time is not the sole healer. There is work to be done.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
What remains to be seen is the two of you have the commitment to work on issues and grow in ways that are difficult, so that he can become a better H and person? This is a time for us to work on those underdeveloped parts of ourselves. Piecing provides each partner a second chance to address unresolved issues, but time is not the sole healer. There is work to be done.
CL
What concerns me is that we seemed to have been working our way towards resolving our R issues, but then he got cold feet. On top of that, he is "sort of" seeing somebody now, while he is not sure what he wants to happen with us. The seeing somebody else bothers me.
Maybe he is just not as committed to making this work. As soon as it gets tough, he bails?
Has anybody else had a similar experience with their spouse going backwards like this?
