Wife Filed And I Need Help With Busting ASAP

[SDFoundGirl]

You've written so much about your W and what she's doing....

Focus on YOU.

What are your current goals for you? Action steps?

Stop trying to figure out what W is doing or why. Unless she tells you, it is just a story you are creating that may or may not be true.

Focus on YOU.

I'm sorry...here is a 2x4 but it's kindly meant...your posts here are coming off as if you are arrogant--W is messed up, you are not, and so you have to fix her like she's some sort of child. If I'm feeling that, I wonder if your W is feeling that too.

Now, this may not be how you feel, but it's how your posts come off.

So, take your eyes off of W and focus on YOU. What is Scott doing to improve himself? PMA, GAL, 180s? What are your goals for you?

SD

[Scott123]

SD,

I can see how some of my posts can come off as arrogant, but I'm
not trying to be and definitely not arrogant to my wife. I have
plenty of goals and done a total 180. Lot's of activities that
I fell out of interest, working out, getting back into music,
art, hiking motorcycling, biking etc. Have a PMA and she does
see it as she has mentioned it. I know a lot of my problems
and our relationship problems where because of the depression,
anger etc that I was going through as well as her gambling.

The depression, anger and my health is a solved problem. It's
a complete 180. the problem with W is that she is stuck on
the past and compares my current state to paste states. She
is scared of getting close to me because she is fearful
of past hurts coming around again.

I'm not trying to fix her, and not being arrogant to her. The
gambling is a huge "hidden" issue so keep that in mind. It's
tough tip toeing around the issue because she s not admitting
to it.

Today -

Sent wife a text and asked if I could use the van so I could
grab one of my bikes. She said it was ok and then asked
me for money. She told me she was really short on money this
month. I said that I could give her what we agreed on for
the child support but no more because I did not have it.
She said she did not know what she was going to do and talked
about selling some stuff and that she has to get a job.

(I really hope she faces up to the gambling now because of how
short on money she is. I mentioned nothing about gambling or
anything like that, just said that I was short too.)

Now here's basically the rest of the text conversation:

M - I had to lend my parents money for back taxes so I am
really short on money too.
W - I don;t know what I'm going to do this month. Can you help
(nephew) carry some of the antiques downstairs, I'm going to
try and sell them. I'll give you some money if we get a lot
for them.
M - Yes, I'll help him, but I don't want any money from them.
W - I have some jewelry to sell too.
M - Sorry about not saying much yesterday to you, but it was
hectic running around getting ready for our hike. You seemed
like you wanted to talk and I would have if we weren't running
around last minute.
W - I know. I just wanted to tell you (about OM) myself so you
did not find out about it from someone else.
W - We're better apart
M - Well, I didnt think we were better apart, I know I'm better
because I'm healthy mentally, physically and spiritually. No more
anger or depression and I feel great.
W - Sorry, but I'm less stressed apart. your with the kids
more and we're better that way.
M - I really do want to share that with you and the kids and
everyone else for that matter. I just have so much energy both
physically and mentally now and it feels great.
W - I can't be happy with you. Sorry, this was the last time.
I want you to find someone and be happy. You have a fresh start.
No more stress.
M - I know a lot of the stress we both dealt with was from other
things in the past especially my past moods which I take
full responsibility for as well as financial. I'm just worried
about you and the kids.
(I was trying to see if she would mention the casino, but
she didn't bite)
W - We'll be fine, I'll get a job.
W - I can't, sorry. Too much has happened. Maybe we could be
friends one day but that will be it. I can't be with you
anymore. I want to be happy.
M - I want to be happy too. There's so much that we had planed
to do. I just don't like the idea of quiting our marriage without
really trying to be a happy normal family where I'm actually
healthy mentally.
W - I can't be happy with you. I'm sorry, but I always felt
alone.
M - I'm sorry for neglecting you and the kinds in the past and
I really hope you can forgive me for the hurt I have caused. I
hope you find your peace.
W - It's gonna take time for me to heal. I need to be happy and
find it somewhere else.
M - I don't know what to tell you, I'm not that angry depressed person
anymore. I mean if you need to find love with someone else I
can't do anything about that. I'll just have to let you go. The
thing that really bothers me though is that what you're looking
for is right here in front of you and always has been, it
just got buried under a bunch of walls, anger and depression.
W - I know you are doing good and I am happy, I just can't
do it anymore.
M - Just know that I'm here for you as a friend. Always will be.
W - Can't do it.

That was it.

Not sure what to do, if i should go dark now and focus on LRT or
should I just continue to try and feel things out and test
to see what works positively or negativity and adjust accordingly.

I have no idea if she is testing me or if she is seriously set
on divorce.

My main issue here is that I have conflicting feelings on the
whole going dark and LRT because if there is another M that
she is starting to get involved with, my gut says that going
dark/LRT will simply push her right into this other guys arms.
Basically I'd be digging my own grave.

Some of the stuff she has said the past two days is similar
to things she has said in the past especially with feeling
along, less stress apart, wanting to see OM, etc. It's
also the kind of stuff she was saying right before she
crashed and broke down a few months ago about gambling,
being apart and how much she really loves me.

And as far as her being screwed up. Yes she is REALLY screwed
up right now. Her moods are insane. She is really not normal
at all, she is smoking again, drinking, neglecting the kids,
the house etc. spending money foolishly, not taking care of
the kids, getting all fast food nearly every day, the house
was dirty etc. So these actions and her moods are not like
her at all. They are a 180 from her normal loving, heart of
gold normal self. I'm really worried about her and so is the
rest of her family. They see all the changes too and don't
know what to do either. They have even said that she is
headed straight for a hard crash.

- Scott

[LosingSunshine]

Scott, not quite sure what to say but I am noticing similar changes with my W ever since the bomb. I am waiting for her to crash out of exhaustion. I don't know how much longer she can keep up staying up late and getting up early. I could see in her facial expressions yesterday that she's tired.

As for the going dark/LRT...as I understand they are different but I could be wrong. I am LRT with my WAW and seeing some positive signs but the roller coaster ride is far from over. I too often feel that I am being tested and I actually got chided for not showing enough emotion about the sitch and for ignoring her. Well, even though I am LRT, I am going to try some words of affirmation (one of her love languages) to see if that helps.

One question that comes to mind ( I haven't read the entire sitch but lot's of parts) is the OM supporting her gambling habit?

LS

[Scott123]

Hey LS, thanks for chiming in here.

The OM is not supporting her habit. I am 99% sure of that. She
actually just texted me again and asked for money twice. One
of my business checks came and she actually opened it and told
me how much it was for and asked for half of it.

I said that I would think about it after I see how many other
expenses I have I would give her an answer. I said that basically
just to stall, I have no intention on giving her half the check.
I cannot be an enabler anymore - that's actually what was
stressed from gam-anon. I will support the kids obviously
and get them what they need, but I have to be firm and cut
her off financially. Now, don't get me wrong, this has nothing
to do with control, spite or anything like that it has to
do ONLY with the gambling. I am praying and hoping that by
following gam-anon advice and cutting her off that it opens
the door for a discussion about the casino or even an emotional
crash on her part. All she has to do is reach out for help
and she'll have all the support and help from everyone in
the family as well as all her friends.

I have no idea how this OM is affecting the situation. All
I know is that she is having some really bad mood swings,
neglecting the kids, the house, the vehicle even her friends
and family. her sister and mom even mentioned how moody
she is and how her moods are swinging. How much of it is
due to the gambling guilt? I don't know, but i would assume
it's a great burden on her.

My sitch is really unique because of the health issues and
the gambling which is why I'm on these boards. Don't really
know what to do next.

I still think about giving her a letter for two reasons.

One - it's non confrontational and I can cover a lot of
stuff that I've been wanting to say to her and probably
would forget or not even be able to cover in a conversation.

Two - she can read it on her own time without me being there
or worrying about getting into an argument etc.

I was talking to a relationship C a while ago and he mentioned
that if you are having a hard time communicating or finding
it difficult to avoid arguments because of resentment etc. that
maybe it would be better if we both wrote each other a letter and
expressed our thoughts and feelings.

(My wife has not spoken to this guy and is not even aware
that I've talked to him.)

I can always give the letter and in the letter itself ask
her to write her thoughts down. I don't see how it could
hurt the situation since we hardly talk at all. I've already
written about half of it and just been sitting on it debating
if I should give it to her or not.

- Scott

[Scott123]

Well, the OM is confirmed. I spoke to someone who not only
saw them, but who has spoken to my wife and she told them
about him, where they met, where he works etc. Not sure
how long its been going on, but that really does not
matter anyway. What matters is that it's "going on."

I also learned that she has a few thousand more dollars
of debt from family friends over what I already knew
about and also learned about some really hurtful lies
that she has been telling people about me. Ridiculous stuff.

She also just asked me again for money because she has
bills piling up and does not know what she is going
to do. That's about 5 times today now that she asked
for money and it's panicky requests now.

I called around 11PM to ask her to have the kids up
early tomorrow and she sounded really drunk!

I'll admit that my mood to the whole situation is now rapidly
changing by the minute. I'm starting to loose interest in the
whole situation. I'm really seeing a lot of resentment building
up towards her especially with the lying and neglect of the
kids not to mention the drinking around them.

Right now, I have no motivation to help her in any way at all.
I mean sure I will take care of the kids needs, but for her. I
feel like she is just trying to use me for money and nothing
more. She is cheating, gambling, drinking, smoking, going
out all hours of the night, partying EVERY weekend, neglecting
the kids, the house and everything else in her life.
Not very attractive is it?

Right now I'm really disgusted with her and the whole situation.
The worst thing is the ones that are really going to suffer
are the kids and that is where I'm really resenting her.

I feel like just telling her that I'm done with it all
and washing my hands of it.

I'll support the kids and hang out with them, but that's
it. Since she wants a divorce and we are separated I'm
not going to be used to pay bills, take care of her debts
and/or problems and be basically an ATM machine for her. As
far as gambling - well, she is going to have to face up to
that sooner than later because there's a lot of expenses
creeping up on her and not many people left to borrow
money from. She'll have to go out and get a full time job
and support herself and her habit ASAP.

Arrogant? No... just the cold hard truth of the situation.

I can't look at her the same way after this. She's
headed for a crash and burn and I want no part of
that.

So what to do now?

Well, I'm going to have a great day tomorrow with the
kids and I'm sure she'll be going out partying. I'm
also positive that tomorrow or Sat she will be hitting
me up hard for more money especially to go out. That's
when I've decided that I'm drawing the line and telling
her that she will get nothing from me anymore. I'll
provide for the kids and that's all. She will have to
find some other way to pay for bills and all her other
expenses.

The bottom line is that she wants a divorce and there's
now no reason or obligation on my part to take care of
her debts, bills and frivolous spending.

I see where I've been somewhat of a wuss with her lately
and I can see her starting to try and take advantage of
me because of it.

Let her get the OM to pay for her bills, expenses and
gambling habits. Hey, he wants to wine and dine her, well
then he can have the full package and pay her bills too.

- Scott

[sgctxok]

Ugh. I'm sorry. Her behavior is bad and her words are meaningless.


I loved what you did here:

1. She did a similar routine in the past whether the OM was real
or not. She stressed wanting to have sex with other men because
they make her feel wanted, going into details etc. and it was
quite obvious to get me jealous. It's actually what brought
us back together sort of. She initiated the conversations
too.

2. She initiated this last conversation after I went dark
on her. hmmmm

3. Just some of the things she was saying are not like her
at all if you knew her. the double talk about not blaming me
and then "I'm the reason why" reeks of trying to get me jealous
or to try and see how I react. as in - will he get angry, go
into a rage etc.

4. The hug was really weird especially how tight she
was holding me and not letting go. I had to kind of
push her off me before the kids came in. She wanted to
keep squeezing me and she was burying her head under
my chin. She could not get any closer to me if she tried.
First physical contact we have had in about 6 weeks.

5. the fact that she stalled me so she could get all dolled
up. I mean she went the whole 9 yards, with makeup, new clothes,
perfume etc. I even asked, "oh, are you going out? Because
you can use my car while we are gone since we'll have the van."
She said "No that's ok, I'm not going anywhere and don't need
the car" hmmmmm

Yeah, I don't really have any ultimatums for her. I mean
I want to help her if anything especially with the
gambling. Hopefully well learn exactly how to do that
at the gambling anon meeting.

Also learned another little tid bit of info today. I was talking
to the older couple we are friends with and she told me that
my W was talking to her about our divorce for a week or so
before she filed and she was unsure what to do. She kept
saying that she thinks she should just send in the paper work.
Our friend said "You better be sure because you are talking
about something that is going to change your lives" and W
was not sure what to do and said she had mixed feelings.

So I'm taking it that shes not committed on the D as much
as I initially thought.

After we got back I simply acted as if everything was fine and
like nothing even happened. I could tell she was scoping me out
and watching my every move and reaction. I simply hung out
with the kids and had a cookout. She went to our friends to
help with a baby who was sick.

Now here's my question.

Should I go really dark now and use LRT and basically have
no contact with her at all unless she initiates... and when
and if she does initiate it just to act "as if" and cut
the conversation short?

I'm wondering if the above was a kind of pursuit by her. I mean
why the heck would she need to contact me at like 5 AM to tell
me she "met someone else"? it seems like she wants me to
chase her or something.

Going dark is the best thing right now. You need time and space from her and she needs some serious consequences.

Now here's the thing.....if you show your anger, it's going to make what you do less effective.....even if you get mad enough not to care about DBing.


Do what you've planned to do on the house or with the girls OR just take a break from all of it and take care of yourself for a bit......although your kids are better with YOU right now. (THAT'S NOT DB ADVICE....THAT'S MY OPINION)


Don't engage in these long dialogs with her because they don't mean anything, she's just trying to hurt you and or play you depending on the moment.



I'm proud of you....you write well, you describe your situation well, you analyze the advice you've been given well .... you owned up to your past mistakes, changed your behavior....you will not need to second guess yourself.....that's a good thing

[Scott123]

SG,

Thank you for your support you have no idea how much I
appreciate all of you guys here.

I know exactly what you mean about keeping my anger in
check. I'm not really angry, just resentful and I'm
trying to control that because I know they are toxic
emotions.

I do think she is still pushing my buttons, but the fact that
there is another guy is really hurtful.

When I do confront her, when she asks me for money again,
which is probably going to be over the weekend I am going to
lay down the new law so to speak. I will be totally calm but
firm and explain that I can no longer support her in any
way financially. I cannot give her any money at all and
I'll explain why - because I have seen all the casino
charges, frivolous spending and because of the fact that
she filed for divorce and we are separated. I will only
be responsible for the kids from now own... period.

I'm also going to tell her that I am extremely worried about
her and the girls because of the drinking, smoking, going out
and leaving them home and the neglect. She will have to
face all of this head on. I'm just going to tell her flat
out what I've noticed happening and tell her that she
has an incredible family and awesome friends that will help
support her in overcoming anything she is dealing with,
but that she is the one who has to deal with all of it herself.
We cannot solve the problems for her, but we'll be there for her.

The older couple we are friends with are going to contact her
and tell her that they are in a small bind and need some of
the money that she has borrowed from them and never made
an attempt to pay back. They are not doing it to get any money,
they are just doing it to try and positively pressure her.
She is going to have lots of bills piled up this month, the
kids need school cloths, the car needs maintenance as
well as the house, she has debts to pay, smoking habit, groceries
need to be bought etc. Hopefully all of this hitting her at
once will help her see the real hole she is in. I talked
to gamanon and they said it is the perfect opportunity for
a positive confrontation.

What pains me most is the kids. This really sucks for them. I'm
going to try and get them away form the house as much as
possible over the next week and let her wallow in all of
her misery so hopefully she'll crack and crash.

The older couple said if she breaks down when I confront her
to try and get her to go and talk to them together with me. She
really respects them and they want to help her so with a little
hope this could be the chance.

As for my feelings toward her in terms of our relationship. I
am hurt and trying to quell the resentment that is brewing. I
know I probably should not pay much attention to what she says,
but it really is hard not to. I get so many mixed signals
from her. I mean I just cannot see how we could go from being the
best of friends where she is telling me how deeply she is
in love with me and wanting to get remarried a few months ago
to not being friends at all and jumping into another
relationship. I mean regardless of the setback I had... it
just does not compute. I guess she is using the gambling,
going out, drinking and the OM as an escape from all of
the problems she has created. That's how I look at it?

As far as my mental health through all this... I feel GREAT! I'm
actually proud of myself for keeping it all together and having
a clear head. I know I would never be able to do this in the past
under all that crap I was dealing with.

I know today will be a little tough, because of all that has
happened, but I'm just going to try and keep focused on having
a good time with the kids tonight.

Do you really think most of what she is saying to me is meaningless?
I mean she's said some pretty deep stuff and she seems
pretty damn serious about getting divorced and moving on.

- Scott

[sgctxok]

I do think her actual words are meaningless. You didn't cause this drama. You have made corrections, stick with them.

Don't worry about her divorce words.

You can train her back and it just seems like she still has love for you.

[Scott123]

Wife contacted me again by text and asked for money for
gas and the store. I did not respond. I just asked her if
the kids were up and ready and she said yeah that she would
drop them off. She then asked for money again and I did
not respond.

Had the kids all afternoon and into the evening, had a cookout
and went to see the fireworks. To tell you the truth, it was
really hard to keep my composure. I was really sad and almost
cried in front of them a few times.

They were not themselves, they were quite and a bit distant. Its
because we ALWAYS went to see fireworks as a family and this is
the first time W was not there. Again, felt like it was all
wrong.

My Wife went out as I expected she would. I assume she went
out with this new guy, because she told the kids that she was
going to her friends with the sick baby, but I know she was
not there at all because I talked to her friend.

W called the kids cell while we were having dinner and said
she was there with the baby. I spoke to her friend a little
later and she confirmed to me that W was not there at all
today. So she was lying to the kids. I feel so bad for them.

They were actually complaining about how nasty she has been to
them and is always yelling at them... has no patience etc. I
tried to change the subject, but they wanted to talk about it.
I didnt really know what to tell them, I just told them that
mom is under a lot of stress. So much for her "being calm"
because we are separated as she claims.

I'm not sure though if I can confront her now as I planned over
the weekend. I think I would end up breaking down and
that would probably be a big backslide. I'm not sure what to
do because I know she is going to ask for money and I know
that it's the perfect opportunity for a positive confrontation.
Ugh, It would be so much easier emotionally and mentally if
there was no other man involved. That's all I can think of
right now. I just cannot believe she is doing this.

I'm wondering if I should just disappear for the weekend and
not respond to any of her texts or calls for a few days. Not
sure if that would make her angry or cause her to worry and
pursue. Guess there's only one way to find out.

- Scott

[Scott123]

Need some advice on what to say in this coming situation:

I know it is just a matter of days before W and I are going
to have to have a discussion about money. She is really friendly
to me when she is seeking money and I know that I have to have
lay down some kind of law based on her actions. These actions:

1. She has already filed for divorce and said that there is
nothing I can do or say that will change her mind. She said
I need to get it through my head that we are getting divorced
and that she cannot be happy with me.

2. She has said that she does not want to be friends now.

3. She has said she met someone else.

4. She has a gambling problem.

Those are the four issues that I see as a major reason for
me to not be giving her any kind of financial support other than
my obligation to our children.

How do you suggest I tell her this without it going into a
negative backslide?

She is already asking for money and I am stalling so it is
just a matter of a short time before I have to have this
conversation with her.

I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I was thinking of asking her
to go for a walk with me to talk about our financial situation
and how the D will affect that. I'm pretty sure i can get her to
gor for a walk. I would simply hold her hand and tell her I will
support her as a friend, but cannot do it financially because
of the 4 reasons above. Stating the 4 reasons will be difficult
as I don't want her to take it as an attack or as spite or
anything like that.

Do you think I should just tell her that I'm really hurt and
worried about her because of the changes I see and the self
destructive behavior, tell her I'll be there for her to help,
but she needs to want to help herself first.

There is no way to avoid the conversation, I already see how
she is acting because of me stalling about the money so
it's definitely coming quick.

I don't know if she will get defensive, get angry, get upset
or what.

- Scott