The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

So, we're going to Colorado for vacation in a few weeks. Rocky Mountain National Park to be specific. I was the one who pushed for it as I've never been to Colorado.

H has. In fact, the last time H was in Colorado/RMNP was two years ago. Back when we took separate trips, he was deep in his EA with LW, when he came back, read me a letter, and told me he wanted to separate.

It was in RMNP that he did all that deep reflection about our M and came back saying he hadn't missed me and wanted lots of space. When he was calling LW from his vacation, but never called me. Told his mother and her husband (who he was traveling with) that he didn't see us working out.

We are actually going to be there the same dates he was, just two years later.

I didn't realize this consciously when I said I wanted to go to the Rockies. I've just always wanted to go, and we're trying to keep it more on the cheap due to the economy. It's a place we can hike and raft, and he can take pictures to his heart's content.

Does it mean anything? Probably not...not really. But sure. There's that idea of closure maybe, of making RMNP a place for US and not the place he went to get up the nerve to drop me in favor of that frizzy haired LW.

I wonder why it should even matter to me at this point. I mean, we've been piecing for almost 2 years come September. Things are good with us. Am I just always going to be waiting for a bomb? Able to enjoy my life and M, but with one eye open?

So I wonder if I need to go back to IC and do some more work on me. We have our (theoretically) last MC appointment next week...which makes me nervous too, but we keep struggling for something to talk about. MC was the one who suggested longer times between appointments and making this one the last one. H agrees. I do too...sort of. I wonder if H will just not communicate anymore. I wonder if I'll ever hear the truth like I do in MC.

Most of this is just way too much time to think as I've been out of school now for nearly 3 weeks and still have another 2 months. Some of it is the passing of anniversaries again.

Do any of you wonder when your bomb date and other significant dates will just be that date again? When you won't remember what happened when? It's not like I dwell there...but I notice.

Just some journaling...I'm sorry if it makes no sense or I seem whiny or whatever. Feel free to smack me with 2X4s.

I hope all is well with all of you!

SD