The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

GRRRRRRRRRRR! This sounds so familiar - his UK twin comes out with things like that, although far, FAR less these days.

I dealt with it by saying (something along the lines of) "you make an assumption about me then go and act on that assumption. I've asked you many, many times not to do that. I don't know what else I can do but ask you not to make assumtions about me, please just ask". Then I shut up.

They really are a lot alike, aren't they? Sheesh. I say about the same thing. I actually challenged him the other night. He's always going on about how he wants my input, to tell him what I want. So, I did. And I got some cr*p about how he was too tired to process, etc., was a long way off (July 4th..um, yeah...long way off) etc. And I was just not in that place, you know? So I called him on it. Told him that when I *did* tell him what I wanted, there were excuses, he was too tired, or he just didn't listen, so why bother? I told him I was just going to go off and do what I wanted and make myself happy, and if he'd like he could join me. Or not.

I also asked him what 15-minutes of the day he wouldn't be too tired/not awake/busy working/distracted/doing something else so I could pencil that in on my calendar and save it all up for then.

A little snarky, yes, but dang. He was a bit miffed, but then he came back and apologized and was ready to hear what I had to say. We solved it together.

Maybe I was wrong, but I worked dang hard on myself to be a better partner, so now I expect him to step up too. And he has. Just not on this. Yet.

SD

[faithisbelieving]

SD..if you read any of the 'male attraction manuals', we are taught that a statement is a question and a question is a statement. The 'I dunno, what do YOU wanna do' line is a killer. I was never a fan of the 'give him a copy of the book thing', but, how would he respond to getting some 'literature'? FIB

PS...thanks for your support. My STBXW is making increasing 'I don't want a divorce' statements but still appears unable to show it with actions.

[SDFoundGirl]

SD..if you read any of the 'male attraction manuals', we are taught that a statement is a question and a question is a statement. The 'I dunno, what do YOU wanna do' line is a killer. I was never a fan of the 'give him a copy of the book thing', but, how would he respond to getting some 'literature'? FIB

LOL...he would probably read it to please me, but secretly think he knows it all already. H can't stand to be wrong, more than me even. It makes for interesting dynamics!

What I'm taking from this is that I need to learn how to better communicate what I want from him instead of just hoping he'll figure it out. Sometimes I think I'm being clear or I just don't want to seem too pushy. Wouldn't it just be easier if we all were able to communicate directly with no ego/fear in the way? But then what would we be upset by?

FIB--I say your wife can say whatever she wants, but until her actions are in alignment with what she says...over time...beware. Change is possible in anyone, but there's a huge difference between living that change and simply saying you have changed, you know?

Julie--I forgot to say hi and thanks for checking in! You don't post much anymore, so I'm taking it your life is full and wonderful!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

So, we're going to Colorado for vacation in a few weeks. Rocky Mountain National Park to be specific. I was the one who pushed for it as I've never been to Colorado.

H has. In fact, the last time H was in Colorado/RMNP was two years ago. Back when we took separate trips, he was deep in his EA with LW, when he came back, read me a letter, and told me he wanted to separate.

It was in RMNP that he did all that deep reflection about our M and came back saying he hadn't missed me and wanted lots of space. When he was calling LW from his vacation, but never called me. Told his mother and her husband (who he was traveling with) that he didn't see us working out.

We are actually going to be there the same dates he was, just two years later.

I didn't realize this consciously when I said I wanted to go to the Rockies. I've just always wanted to go, and we're trying to keep it more on the cheap due to the economy. It's a place we can hike and raft, and he can take pictures to his heart's content.

Does it mean anything? Probably not...not really. But sure. There's that idea of closure maybe, of making RMNP a place for US and not the place he went to get up the nerve to drop me in favor of that frizzy haired LW.

I wonder why it should even matter to me at this point. I mean, we've been piecing for almost 2 years come September. Things are good with us. Am I just always going to be waiting for a bomb? Able to enjoy my life and M, but with one eye open?

So I wonder if I need to go back to IC and do some more work on me. We have our (theoretically) last MC appointment next week...which makes me nervous too, but we keep struggling for something to talk about. MC was the one who suggested longer times between appointments and making this one the last one. H agrees. I do too...sort of. I wonder if H will just not communicate anymore. I wonder if I'll ever hear the truth like I do in MC.

Most of this is just way too much time to think as I've been out of school now for nearly 3 weeks and still have another 2 months. Some of it is the passing of anniversaries again.

Do any of you wonder when your bomb date and other significant dates will just be that date again? When you won't remember what happened when? It's not like I dwell there...but I notice.

Just some journaling...I'm sorry if it makes no sense or I seem whiny or whatever. Feel free to smack me with 2X4s.

I hope all is well with all of you!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

A quick note:

If any of you guys feel like you would like to help a newbie who REALLY REALLY REALLY needs some 2x4s, please check in on Scott:

Scott's Thread

He's not getting it...very W focused, doesn't see how he's contributing to the problem. I honestly think he needs a man's advice and honest feedback. He refutes everything I say, so I am giving up. But I don't think his sitch is too bad as long as he doesn't F it up, you know?

Thanks!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Fight today. Big one.

I'm sitting here wondering if two people can just be incompatible. At some point, ME changing is actually taking away what I want most. If I advocate for what I want, it's in opposition to H's nature.

It's July 4th. Lots of you probably have fun plans with people that you made in advance. Within those plans things might have adjusted or not worked out, but at least you had something to count on. H and his brother have been talking forever about us doing something together today...no specific plans...just yeah, we'll do whatever.

I asked H to get plans in place because it *does* take planning to gather food, etc. I'm not caring what happens--the park, the beach, our condo, etc., but please figure it out.

So yesterday he sort of does. And then, today while I'm out running errands...for today...based on what he told me, he changes it all and we really don't have plans. Now we're going to buy sandwiches, eat them in the park, and then BIL, his girlfriend and a guest are going to ditch us and go tour around. We are permitted to meet up with them for fireworks later...in a ridiculous proposition...because there is no parking at that time of night down by the fireworks and we can actually see them from where we live.

H just won't ever commit to anything, always rolls over for everyone else. All the boys in his family are like this. You might have plans, but they could ditch those plans at any moment and you are just f*cked yourself. Including $$$ wise. His dad has had him buy tickets for him and then canceled at the last minute.

I could have had plans with a friend of mine, but I put my trust in H and his brother. I wish I had just done my own thing...but then what is the point of being married?

It's about more than this too. I am 38, going to be 39 in August. Back when we were trying to get PG, I had troubles, and then the bomb happened and we put it all on hold. I am feeling the weight of my age...and H still thinks it can happen someday, what's the rush, etc.

I want a child, and my time is running out. Given my history, it's going to take commitment and planning. My M is okay...not great, not bad, just sort of there. And I'm wondering how long I wait for my dreams.

I have thought about telling H I'm going to the sperm bank and having MY child. It's a viable option, and then he isn't legally responsible for it. I know I will regret forever not having a child...and time is ticking...and so I have to decide soon.

I am just overemotional right now. H is off eating stupid sandwiches in the park with his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and their guest. He said he'd be back afterwards, but I really wish he'd just be gone all day.

Did I save this M just because of my ego? For no reason? Because I feel like it's a good thing to be flexible, but not to the point where you break.

SD

[inspiredjulie]

((((SD))))

Hugs SD... sorry it's been a tough day for you. It sounds very frustrating. Right now I can only offer hugs and support. I'm sorry it's so hard, I'm sorry you're feeling the passage of time, and I'm sorry your H continues to disappoint.

Thinking of you!!!

[inspiredjulie]

((((SD))))

Hugs SD... sorry it's been a tough day for you. It sounds very frustrating. Right now I can only offer hugs and support. I'm sorry it's so hard, I'm sorry you're feeling the passage of time, and I'm sorry your H continues to disappoint.

Thinking of you!!!

[faithisbelieving]

SD...I posted on my thread that, in some ways, the word 'piecing' now is more frightening than 'divorce'. In my own sitch....trust.....the trust....how can that come back?

From the medical standpoint, women ARE having children later in their years, but, it's the egg factor. I don't want to start suggesting kookoo krazy things, but, some women harvest their eggs and keep them frozen.

As for the M...(sigh)....I wish I could give you some advice. I'm not sure that I am equipped to do that since, you are 'ahead' of me in so many ways. I DO know that piecing is hard. I would think that communication is still the most important thing and, just make sure that you are not holding some things in....that your feelings are heard and known.

FIB

[Jen_Jam]

Sd - I have been through this. To the stage where I started looking at my finances and flats to rent so i could move out.

There are plenty of things my H does now that I feel annoyed by, but I reliaed I was going through the stage "everything would be great if YOU changed".

I did have one final boundary state session and H responded, albeit slowly and with a lot of backslides. I fully believe now that he will continue to backslide, that when he does I need to gently point it out before it gets out of hand, and if I do it saves us a whole heap of trouble.

Communicating clearly and most of all calmly works for me. And I had to do it many, many times before it started to sink in with H. And I have to continue to do it, because my H isn't perfect, he isn't 100% how I'd like him to be but that doesn't matter because he is HIM and I don't wish to control him.

I'm not saying you want to control your H, I know you don't. But maybe you are keeping your focus too much on the negative, and making a negative into something big when it's not? I've done it. It's hard when you've been bombed, it's a horrid thing to happen which takes ages to get over. I thought I was fine last year - I recently looked back on my diary for this time last year and realised I still felt lost. This year is much better. I try to stay away from over-analysing, it helps me, and I look at the good things about me. For example, sometimes I look in the mirror and see bags under my eyes and the start of a double chin. The I look at my hair and tell myself how great it looks - focus on the good stuff.

This may or may not be of help - I'm telling you what worked for me, consider it and pick the bits which fit you. And most of all - keep your chin up, it took me ages to get to a M I really wanted, and if I'm 100% honest it ain't perfect but it's enough for me.