I think hold off on the r talks. Try this and see how it works.
Just a quick thought, if you write on the mirror would there be a chance your sons would see it? Make sure it is easily cleanoffable, she might be embarrassed. Maybe I being too practical, just looking out for all options.
Julia, that's good thinking. If I write on the mirror, it will be a smiley face, or at most "Good Morning!", or "Have a good day!" Nothing "personal" at all. That "feels" safe to me.
You know, I like the smiley face idea. It'll make her wonder, she might even wonder who did it... if she asks you could just say something like, 'oh that was me' and walk off... a mysterious stranger. Ok, I'm getting a bit carried away! :-)
Sounds good Jeff. Thanks for all the help you have given me - just wanted you to know that I appreciate it.
OK, a question! Do you think that I might want to put off asking her if she ever sees working on the M for a bit, at least until I see how she reacts to this?
Get the tweezers out ! I would never ever ask her if she wants to "work" on the marriage. That implies that you think SHE needs to do more. DAM ! (with love)
Remember the post I made about my H being impatient. We had like 26 good days, & in the car he mentions "I'd like to have my needs met" WTF I met his needs for all those years, & that was all he ever said "I have needs woman". Who cares ! j/k sort of. I'm meeting his needs again, but I sure don't want to hear about them. Deja vu, ya know !
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I understand what you are saying. Here is the basis for the idea...
A long time ago, probably a year and a half (maybe more), I was about ready to "call it a day". I said something about looking for a place to live. It was while W was in school, she said, more or less, that I couldn't do that then, she needed me to "support" her schooling (read, take care of the kids, and earn the money.) And she said, "I'm too busy to work on our M now."
So, the idea is to ask her at some point soon, whether she see ever wanting to work on the M (ever, not right then). My C liked the idea, as a way of giving me direction. Because without some sign of "hope", I can't go much longer. I'm not seeing any baby steps, nothing. So, I'm trying to rock the boat, without putting a huge amount of pressure on her.
Man, so hard. The natural part of me leans towards what your C is saying ,but I'm not sure how DB it is? It's so so hard when you see no changes ,and you've been at this a lot longer than I have. You have to do what you feel ,and only you truly know your wife and situation the best. Just be sure you are ready for the answer. And if it is a "no" will you really be able to accept that? What are you hoping to truly accomplish? I know for me if I asked that and H said no, I'd still be in a place of DBing and wanting it. So it would be a "loaded" question for me. Make sure you can go into it for the right reasons if you decide to ask that.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I know I have to be ready for a "no" answer. I'm looking at is as trying something different. My thinking is that at worst, I just keep living the way I am, at best I get some hope, and the realitiy might be somewhere in the middle. Too much more of what's going on now, and it won't matter what the answer is.
