I know exactly what you're saying about how you felt when you walked. I felt like I was suffocating, like I had been living this life and being someone I really wasn't. I had spent so long trying to be the perfect wife and supporter, suppressing all the things that I wanted to do and emotions that I felt, that somewhere along the way I completely forgot that I used to be a rather feisty and determined woman! In the short time that I have been on my own, I have felt some of that old "pre-R" me return and it's like I want to open my arms and say "Welcome back!" Yeah, you're right - I forgot how much I liked who I used to be and I guess that's a big part of why I am not ready to return home. I want to make sure that I get all of me back before I am ready to commit to anything because I don't want to lose me again so soon!
I relate so much to this. I felt like I had lost all of me & that there wasn't even room in the relationship for me to be me. H had this idea of me as his "perfect woman" so when I would say or do something contrary, he just didn't recognize it at all. Like I didn't exist.
I'm happy to say, that with each week at MC, more of me exists all the time. It's a good feeling. If that makes sense.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
