Thx for your thoughts Purple. I kind of figured as much as she has been going out a lot and said that she was so as not to have to think about things.
Keep in mind that she has probably been thinking about this (separation) for a loooooong time. Now that it's out in the 'open' with you she may be desparate to have some time to just put it aside for a bit to see what life feels like. She may need to feel alive. It's pretty draining to think about this stuff 24/7 as you probably well know. From my (WAW) point of view it's important that you understand her needs to get out and have some space. You probably feel damned if you do damned if you don't. She probably does too. Are you GAL'ing? This is one thing I can think may help you.
Originally Posted By: LosingSunshine
During our talk yesterday I brought up the need to take things slowly so things don't get out of control to quickly. I know that was a no no but I had to if not for me, but for the kids.
Again, my POV only but be careful with your 'fatherly advice' style here. If it was me I'd take offence and feel like I wasn't trusted to do the right thing for the kids. Everyone screws up and I would never expose my d to the way I think you're getting at. I understand what you're saying about not to be too silly but you gotta be really careful how you say it to her. Hmm...just reading your post again, did you say to her explicitly to not get out of control because it will hurt the kids?
Originally Posted By: LosingSunshine
I was also wondering last night, could she be doing the LRT on me? Probably not, I know just thinking about things.
She might be doing LRT but not intentionally (ie probably hasn't read the book). She may feel that there's nothing left that you can do to change the sitch, and so she's trying out a new life to see if the suit fits. Of course she might also be doing it to keep busy so she doesn't have time to think (see first paragraph).
This is not advice, just my POV and how I would interpret things based on my background.
Last edited by Purple; 06/29/0802:19 PM.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
THX again. I felt after our talk yesterday that I broke a few rules with bringing some of these things up. Things seem calm this morning. She is actually doing my laundry and has been engaging in small talk.
I'll post more later as I have slipped out for coffee and need to take the kids to church soon....going golfing with the guys today too which will be fun.
Thx again for your pov!
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Hi LS, I'm sorry I just made it back to your thread. If you have specific questions for me, you may want to post them on my thread, so I see them sooner.
Let's see, I think most WAW's say it as plainly as they can before they blow. To some H's, it may not be strong at all, to some it may be very strong. It just depends on the personality of the W.
I haven't read that book that you asked about.
I strongly encourage MC. It's been a major help to me & us.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
My ex-wife is a WAW. I am trying to get back with her. She is very smart. I guess my approach to things is obvious, since I ask questions relating to our marriage....such as, "What did you want different in our marriage....." When she does answer the question. I respond honest and sincere. I let her know that I should have been a bit more understanding at the time, and that I am sorry I wasn't then.
What do you recommend an ex-husband should do to open her eyes that he is changing for the better.
Cade, oh man, there's so many ways that I used to watch H for changes. I don't think you can "open her eyes" all you can do is change for the better & hope she sees it.
In our case, we had to start with an agreement not to be verbally or emotionally abusive. I typed one up & asked him to sign it. Then I insisted he read several books. I told him I wouldn't even speak to him til he finished one of them. We had a very long way to go.
What are some of the changes she's requested ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
She didn't really request any. She said that I was very controlling. That I treated her like a child. We did the same thing ever weekend - { go to the movies and then dinner, or vis versa ). Didn't spend enough time with children. Critize her.
So far. I work out 4 times a week. I lost 70lbs and have kept them off. I am more patient than before. A better father to our children - spend quality time with them. Accept her as she is.
I am doing many 180's to draw her closer, which I think is working, considering we are talking more on the phone than before...
I understand controlling, my H was very controlling. Are you ? If you are or were, tell her the ways that you see you were controlling. Tell her you don't want to be like that anymore.
I said that he treated me like a child, now thru MC I realize I also felt like a child. Do you treat her like a child ? or like an equal partner ? Compare her to a 50/50 business partner, how are you doing ?
Did you critize her ? or treat her like a fragile delicate flower that should be carefully watered with love & kindness ?
You can ask her things like "if you were going to give me another chance, what would you want me to change?" or "what would you want in a relationship, that you didn't get in ours?" she may not know. I was so emotionally starving, I didn't even know what was missing or how to verbalize it. A few of the things I asked H to do at first were, e-mails to me, saying what he liked about me, e-cards, telling me his feelings. I asked him to order a DVD that taught him how to give a sensual massage so that he would learn how to touch me & not be so rough. Those are a few ideas for now. Do you know her love language ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
the question of "do i know her love language" --- I read 5 languages of love.....but I am not sure I really know hers...WOW!? Great questions to ask. I will really think about your question / response. Thanks. You really opened up my mind with her response.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Good evening ladies!!! I hope everyone had a great 4th and is doing well. I had a quick question to post here as I have yet to receive a response over at newbies. Have any of you read womens mind womens wisdom and or hope and abundance? These two books are what me W is reading and as far as I know saying that there is happiness behind door number 1. Just trying to gain some insight and any help us greatly appreciated!
Tia, ls
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
