I'm wondering though if one's spouse is basically saying that they don't want to be with you anymore, they are quite certain and they are so certain they are with someone else (or in my case have been with half of the UK and are looking for someone else) how long you prolong your own agony? Maybe that is what DBing is all about, but surely if the spouse is certain DBing has it's limitations.
I made my half of the decision the day he told me and it certainly gave me a sense of control (mind you, when he eventually coughed I was relieved quite frankly). I suppose every R is different.
If your W doesn't want to be with you, and you don't want to be with her (if I remember rightly the phrase you used was 'run for the hills'!) then... it's simple, isn't it? Please, if someone with more wisdom and years than I is able to correct me, go ahead.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
happycamper: I'm wondering though if one's spouse is basically saying that they don't want to be with you anymore, they are quite certain and they are so certain they are with someone else
attitudes and emotions change and a lot of people here are working on reconciling their M. One day, its I don't love you and several months or years, its I made a mistake they come to reality and want to reconcile, some never do come back.
I cannot say that I'm 100% against reconciliation with W, but it would take considerable effort on her part.
All I'm trying to do right now is secure my kids, my house, my finances and get our lives (me and the kids) into some normal mode. If W comes back later and wants to reconcile, I'll deal with that at that point.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Jeff you are certainly much wiser than me! I can't imagine people having the strength to stay strong for months or years in order to reconcile their M once their spouses come back to them. Maybe what I mean is that I wouldn't have the strength to do it...
I admire your ability to hold that possiblity in your mind, I guess that's what makes you a good DBer!
Sorry to have written an un-DB post. I hope you appreciate that we only write from where we know, and I am very new and inexperienced in this process.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
happycamper: Jeff you are certainly much wiser than me! I can't imagine people having the strength to stay strong for months or years in order to reconcile their M once their spouses come back to them. Maybe what I mean is that I wouldn't have the strength to do it...
There are a lot of strong people here, that have the strenght to work on the M with their WAS, I admire them all. In my situation, I don't think there is much of a chance that W will want to reconcile or that I would be a strong as others here and forgive her for what she has done. I have always posted that I'm not the best DB'er. Right now I feel D is a necessity to protect my kids, my house and finances from a woman I don't know anymore, from a woman who isn't mentally stable. She has so many issues going on.
Quote:
happycamper:Sorry to have written an un-DB post. I hope you appreciate that we only write from where we know, and I am very new and inexperienced in this process.
I do the same thing all the time, I try to be understanding when I post to someone else, but if you read my post, I'm typically anti-DB. Don't ever worry about anything when you stop by, please speak your mind anytime and everytime. Call it as you see it and thank you for being here for me.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Hey everyone, I've been off the forums for a little while because I've been overseas for my job. Jeff, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through but I sense that you have a sense of peace with what is going on. I say don't give up yet. That doesn't mean don't do what you are doing. Just don't get down on the possibility that things can get better is some way. Your wife is obviously sick. With the right kind of help, she may just snap out of it. You may not be there to be her husband again but you should hope and pray for it because your kids deserve a healthy mom. Have faith in our Lord. He is amazing.
I had another shocker last night. Some of the new friends that I've met in my new city were actually friends with one of the crazy women that my WAW hung out with after moving. Sooo...I recently was the DD for my buds who went to the same bar where the infidelity that brought down my marriage happened (from phone records/CC records) while I was out of town with my previous job. I even saw the OM (just one of probably many OM/OW) but didn't say anything. It was wierd to see a mid-30s man working at a bar at 2am. He looked like an AC Slater (Saved by the Bell) has been. I did find out a couple of things. 1.) He didn't know she was married and most of them assume they hooked up. 2.) My WAW was telling people that she was separated and getting a divorce because her husband cheated on her...and thats why she was appearantly on the prowl. 3.) They didn't know she was also pursuing homosexual meetings as well. I guess its like opening up another wound. For one, she was telling dudes that she was separated before I even knew something was wrong... I was fat, dumb and happy thinking I had a faithful wife that I loved with all my heart. I even encouraged her to go out while I was away because she seemed so down that she didn't have many friends at our new locale. Secondly, I was nothing but faithful to her. In fact, she was the only girl that I had ever done anything more than kiss in my entire life. I struggle with such a guilty concience that I could've never/EVER cheated. In fact, I still tell people I'm married when I've gone out and girls have asked me out. I just don't feel like fully giving up yet. A group called rejoice ministries has given me hope. I truly feel that my wife is facing demons with her lies/infidelity/homosexuality. I feel pity for her and know that she needs prayer right now to right her life. If I'm in pain over this, she must be hurting soo much to act the way that she is. Maybe I'm wierd. Maybe I'm too compassionate. My family doesn't understand why I'm not angry. But the truth is that it doesn't help me to be mad at her all the time. I know I'm a sinner too. I've fallen short like us all. I just feel better praying for her. What an accomplishment if when I die, I see her there in heaven. As wierd as it sounds, I'd be genuinely happy for her.
Hi Jeff. Your focus on your kids is smart. That's all you can do right now. Just wanted you to know that I am always keeping my eye on your situation and keeping you in my prayers.
Germ: I truly feel that my wife is facing demons with her lies/infidelity/homosexuality. I feel pity for her and know that she needs prayer right now to right her life. If I'm in pain over this, she must be hurting soo much to act the way that she is. Maybe I'm wierd. Maybe I'm too compassionate. My family doesn't understand why I'm not angry.
I pray for my W also, I think she is hurting also, You are not wierd, compassion is the perfect word, I try to be kind and compassionate to my W also. I don't show my anger, but look at my prior post I am angry, I just hold it inside of me. I know thats not healthy and I hope time will help me get over my anger, but on the outside, I just go about my business and appear as if nothing is wrong.
Journal: W called this morning, is going to take the kids to the pool, and I'm going to move all the kids into their new bedroom. She said she would move the bunk beds over to her apartment tomorrow, I told her I would help. (so I get to see W place tomorrow for the first time) She said she couldn't be over until late becasue she works late on Saturday night. I said I know don't worry about it, you know the kids and I won't be home from church until 11:00, ---- she said "I know; you are so righteous"
Her tone, indicated she wasn't giving me a compliment, more like she was annoyed that I reminder her that we go to church on Sunday, like she didn't already know this.
I said, you know I'm only trying to do what is right for the kids. Small talk and we said good bye.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
