Until Feb 5th I was never insecure about anything in my life.
I think as far as things you have to work on, I'd say this was one of them. Granted, your wife hasn't earned your trust, but I really do sense insecurity in you..kind of like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and somewhat walking on eggshells to avoid it. I'm not saying be the grunting caveman, but as far as I'm concerned, you've got reasons to strut your stuff and be confident in yourself. The times that are hardest for me in my relationship is when I feel insecure. It's during those times that I look at my wife as though it's somehow her fault...like she's making me feel that way. And it's not true...I own those feelings, the insecurities are mine, and I can't look to her to deal with them. What I'm trying to say is be confident that you are a good guy, be secure that you'll be okay, and try not to focus so much on whether your wife is carrying her end of this. It's when I don't worry what my wife is not doing for me or taking the pulse of the relationship that things go most smoothly. Obviously, if she crosses a major boundary, either in the marriage or with the kids, you'll have to address it immediately and decisively.
Just my thoughts. Hope they made sense. Wishing you a happy 4th of July, and good luck.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Marriage is 2, not 4. Your W's focus on the neighbors detracts from your M.
Moving will not cure it. Giving in won't cure it.
This goes back to one VERY EASY QUESTION:
Mules....what do YOU want?
Personally, and this is the last time I can say it, I think the relationship with the neighbors is TOXIC, both to you and your wife. I really don't see anything productive in this WHILE YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN EXTREMIS.
You also can't fix this NOR CAN YOU CHANGE HOW YOUR W WANTS TO RELATE TO THEM. All you can do is DO WHAT IS BEST AND HEALTHIEST FOR YOU. Part of detaching and your personal growth will be to make this decision on your own. Sure...you can listen to all of us. I know one thing. I couldn't POSSIBLY envision myself sitting down and having a beer with a guy who: -pushed my W into the swimming pool -talks to her about MY MARRIAGE -MAY have tooled around with her.
YECCH. But that's just me.
Finally, assuming you are a New Yorker, I would talk to your atty before filing for a legal separation. As I understand it, there is only one reason to do so: if there is hope for reconciliation. Filing for legal separation in the state of NY, as I understand it, could:
force you out of the house
require 100% temporary support
let it drag on for years at great financial hurt should your W decide that she does not want back in after 12 months
Even tho' I am in the middle of a D process (and my W now tells me that she doesn't want a D), I DON'T RECOMMEND DIVORCE. I just say KNOW YOUR OPTIONS first.
Get the N.U.T.S. book. Define what makes you a man. Define what are your 'non-negotialbe unalterable terms'. If one of your NUTS is " I don't want to spend time with THOSE neighbors because it is destructive to my M", then, act on it...for you...for your health...for your children. I think everyone posting to you would support you on whatever choice you make. I think most men here would agree that: -you do everything possible to keep a roof over your family -you do everything possible to protect and keep your children safe and happy -you do everything possible to save your marriage -when the last one fails, you go back to the first two.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
This is bworl (Bill), not Deb13. We just got back from our honeymoon, she was logged on and I wanted to check in on you. Catching up and seeing some of what was on the horizon and I wanted to chime in.
I'm going to come down pretty firmly on the negative side regarding vacationing with this couple.
Your wife is PERFECTLY clear on how you AND your boys feel about this couple. The fact that she gets some strange satisfaction by being with them is not sufficient to compel you to invest a weekend with them.
I know this sounds absolutely out of left field and crazy, but have you considered that the weekend away with them could be some sick introduction to swinging or the like?
The bigger point for me is that these people have many times over shown themselves to NOT be friends of the marriage. Truth is, they don't even sound like very nice people.
I think this is one that you should hold firm on. Call it a mini "line in the sand moment." You don't have to go all George Patton on her, but I think it wouldn't take much to point out that both you and the boys have had significant issues with these people, and that you would LOVE a weekend with her, but NOT with their company (which would make it very much NOT a weekend with her).
This is a viscious ride, as you are learning. You have some extremely good counsel on your side. Continue to remind yourself that you are NOT the problem here. YOu can lovingly support your wife and her search for answers, but you are not called to sacrifice your integrity or standards in the process.
