Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[Rusty]

I have a hard time believing that it is anything at all. And now today - not one word. I am afraid that he is not interested in seeing it as anything more than being "civil and friendly". I guess I shouldn't try to decipher what he is thinking and just go with the flow? But not a single word today/??? I think maybe I pushed with the sex thing. I texted him again last night and I don't think it went over as well. He was sleeping and said "sorry - I was asleep". I just said "go back to sleep - we'll talk later". Too much too soon I guess. Now back off and let it go???

[MP53]

Yes, Rusty, you still need to be living your own life. One day without a message is not that long. Give him time to miss you.

I agree with Tink, in that having your husband call you 3 times in one day is a good sign. But don't think it means that it's all fixed or done or whatever. Or that you'll continually progress forward. It may be forward for a bit, a step back or two, and then forward again.

Just enjoy the calls for what they are, and continue to live your life. He'll find you so much more attractive, if you're happy and busy rather than needy.

[Rusty]

You're right. I hate the weekends though when he doesn't have the kids and I don't know what he is doing. It makes me crazy. I am doing really well on the outside with it, but inside it is eating me alive. Like this weekend, being a holiday, is my weekend to have the kids and he will be off on Fri, Sat & Sun. I just wonder what he will be doing. I know we have plans, which are traditional plans, but I have no idea if he has any.
I just so love the feeling when we are together and the peace i have inside - almost like I can relax. I am trying to find that without him but it is hard.
I am defintely acting "as if" though!

[MP53]

Well, I totally understand that feeling, Rusty. I've had it myself. When we were first separated, he would come over to the house quite a bit to see the kids, and even if I was out and about, I still felt "lighter" because I knew where he was.

It's when I get a glimpse of his "other" life that I come crashing down. And I'm getting lots more glimpses now that both kids are out of the house.

In your case, though, you still have so much contact, that even going a day or two or three without hearing from him or seeing him doesn't mean he's not thinking about the situation.

As for yourself, the GAL is for you, not him, so that overall you feel happier about yourself and your life. With or without him.

[Rusty]

He has my daughter tonight- so we will have to have some contact today. Should I ask if he has any plans or just let it go? If he does have plans, I don't really think I want to know so maybe I will ignore it unless he offers it or asks me. The 4th is kind of hard because when we go to the traditional picnic and fireworks, everyone is in their family unit. I know my daughter feels it and I sure do. It is very sad. Last year she cried and I felt terrible. I don't know what to do this year to make it better.

[MP53]

Attitude is everything, Rusty. I'm certain if you're upbeat and excited, your daughter will be too, or at least, more so.

Any chance the two of you could do something special and start your own tradition in addition to the picnic?

I wouldn't ask about the holiday. If he brings it up, casually tell him you have plans, but I wouldn't be specific.

[Tink]

I think maybe I pushed with the sex thing. I texted him again last night and I don't think it went over as well. He was sleeping and said "sorry - I was asleep". I just said "go back to sleep - we'll talk later". Too much too soon I guess. Now back off and let it go???

Yes. Back off. Let him find you. Let him pursue you. Now's the time to keep busy and don't be so available but stay friendly just busy and not there to answer the first call or available for the first date suggestion. Be available for the second.

As far as nothing today that could be a good thing. When men are feeling vulnerable they wait until they feel confident to call again.

Tink

[Tink]

I think maybe I pushed with the sex thing. I texted him again last night and I don't think it went over as well. He was sleeping and said "sorry - I was asleep". I just said "go back to sleep - we'll talk later". Too much too soon I guess. Now back off and let it go???

Yes. Back off. Let him find you. Let him pursue you. Now's the time to keep busy and don't be so available but stay friendly just busy and not there to answer the first call or available for the first date suggestion. Be available for the second.

As far as nothing today that could be a good thing. When men are feeling vulnerable they wait until they feel confident to call again.

Tink

[Rusty]

Exactly what I will do. He did call today - he is taking our S-18 to orientation at UK next week and had some questions about that. Kept it real light. He has been talking about going to his HS reunion next weekend, probably not going to, but before when he mentioned it I went crazy. Very jealous, accusing of wanting to see an old flame, etc. This time he mentioned it and that it was his weekend with the kids so he didn't think he'd go. I just said I'd be happy to switch if he wanted and could get away. He said he didn't think he'd even know anyone and we laughed about that. It all was very nice. He even offered to give me extra money to go to mine - which is in Iowa so quite a distance.
I am backing way off and being very friendly but very busy.

Interesting take on men's vulnerability. I think you are absolutely right. Interesting...again never thought about it like that before.

[Rusty]

Okay - H had D-12 tonight and should have had S-18, I was over at a friends, had multiple calls, which I ignored, but don't know what he thought. Most calls were from my S - one from H but I assume it was really from D. No messages - but I wish H would care what I am doing and maybe worry a little! WTF! I am sick of it all - I made my decision on what I wanted 25 years ago and it hasn't changed. I guess moving on is all I have left. I will never marry again, but I really want someone in my life when I come home.
What to do????