DQ's Sex Blog

[Bagheera]

Thanks again DQ,

Your blog is both enlightening and fun to read! You wrote:

For those who don't know, the gist of it is this: strong women want an even stronger man. One who can literally *take us* physically and sexually.

This can be difficult for the average man because he normally doesn't have any training in how to do this. It can also be difficult for the average woman too, because she knows she secretly wants it, but it is not something she can teach her man.

From what I've read, it is often assumed, by women wishing that their man would wake up and 'take charge' (i.e. lead the relationship both in and out of the bedroom), that if their man doesn't do this, then he's just not naturally dominant enough. Either he has it, or he doesn't. I disagree with this view, and appreciate your statement above that in many cases "he normally doesn't have any training in how to do this." I'll take this a step further and state that it's actually even worse: all of his previous training (upbringing) tells him that THIS IS THE WRONG THING TO DO! I was personally taught this on two fronts:

First, I grew up in a male-dominated family: where my father claimed the position of head of the household by right of the wedding vow made by my mother to "honor and obey" him. That was consent enough for him. While he took his responsibilities for the family quite seriously, he was also domineering and critical – ruling the family in a manner that would have us dreading his return home from work each day. While my mother dutifully ran the household to my father's specifications, she was also bitter and depressed most of the time. Shortly after I moved out on my own, my parents drew up divorce papers for the third and final time, ending a long ordeal for everyone involved. When I began to consider forming a family of my own, I vowed that I would never have the kind of marriage that my parents had.

Second, as a child of the 60's and 70's, I embraced the ideas of the feminist movement, and considered my young wife-to-be my equal in all respects. Why should either of us need to be the head of the household? After going through Shere Hite's The Hite Report on Female Sexuality, I extended this egalitarian attitude into the bedroom as well. Why should anyone need to dominate there, either? While I never had a problem being masculine or being a man out amongst 'the guys,' with my wife I was always much softer. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be: the old 'Leave it to Beaver' paradigm had been revised, right?

Luckily for me, I do have one model upon which I can base the new, male-dominated relationship that my wife and I are now building (with her support and consent). My paternal grandparents had a wonderful relationship, and one where there was no doubt that my grandfather was head of the household (and, I'm sure, head of the bedroom as well). My grandmother was a fiery, quick-witted, strong-willed woman, but my grandfather was stronger. Unlike my father, my grandfather wielded 'power' in a quiet, confident manner, and his love and respect for my grandmother was always evident. They were, in essence, equal partners who had purposefully chosen to take on roles which emphasized his masculinity and her femininity, to the delight of both of them. It worked for 55 years, until my grandfather's death in 1990.

So, there is hope for us 'late bloomers' to this type of relationship. My wife and I are only two months into this shift, and it's already made a world of positive difference, for both of us.

Take care,

Bagheera