I remember my early days here, when I thought there'd be no way I'd end up S--and here I am.
Actually, I'm doing OK. H moved out a week ago; I'm still sad, mad and anxious, but I also feel a huge sense of relief that the phase where he was emotionally not here but still physically here is over.
During this first week, I had the girls for the first three days in a row. Then H took them for 2, then I had them 2 and now he has them again until tomorrow. Because it's summer and the girls don't start camp until 7/14, it hasn't been too bad for them to be switching back and forth--but I think it'll be harder when school starts. It's been hard for me to have them all day and night because I can't get anything done. Now I am on my second day being alone and that's hard too--though I get more done!
It has been AGES since I spent an entire day and night by myself--which I did yesterday. The first 2 alone days, I made lots of plans, but no one was around yesterday. I got very sad and lonely as evening fell, but then I watched TV and cleaned up the family room at the same time and felt a little better.
D11 seems surprisingly OK with the S so far, while D7 says things daily that break my heart ("I'm going to pretend daddy is just on a business trip.")
I've been all over the place with my emotions re:H--still furious and hurt at times and determined to punish him somehow; other times, I'm calm and able to imagine he and I being friends;
So that's where I'm at.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I'm already hating this whole arrangement. I don't miss H so much as I miss the four of us--eating dinner together, having H around to help. I felt miserable last night, cried for the first time in a long time. I think I keep expecting that H is going to be miserable too and want to make our M work. But that's not happening and I doubt it will.
So, even though I know in my head that our M and intact family is over, it only really sinks in as each day passes.
I need to do some serious GALing to combat this profound loneliness.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I'm glad you started a new thread. I wanted to post to you but your other one locked up and I wasn't sure if you planned on sticking around.
Things will get better. I think it's vital that you keep yourself busy with other people - especially when the girls are with their dad. The loneliness can be unbearable. Do you have siblings or family nearby?
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
My mom is nearby, but I can't say that I enjoy spending a lot of time with her. We do better via email and phone than in person. Otherwise, I have lots of friends--mostly married ones. I have an active social life, but still, it's not possible to make plans with people every single day,especially during the summer, when lots of people go away.
My job is also one that I've done freelance, at home, for the past 12 years--so that's isolating and requires motivation on my part too. Having a family life gave me a daily structure. I wouldn't mind getting a part-time job, but ones in my field aren't easy to find and also I haven't worked in an office in ages.
I feel like I'm starting from scratch in every way. It felt kind of exhilarating at first, but now I'm feeling very low and discouraged and completely convinced that I'll never fall in love again.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Maybe you should run to the bookstore and grab a couple of those books and how to rebuild your life after it's been shattered by divorce. Not saying you'll necessarily get divorced (you never know, your husband could come to his senses), but reading might give you some hope.
Thanks, gfi--you're sweet. I've checked in on your thread--but remind me--is your H living at home still, or has he moved out?
The girls and I are off to visit my cousins in Boston for July 4th weekend. Who knows what H will do. He's a freaky loner lately. It is SO weird for the girls and I to be here, in our house, having dinner, knowing that he's only a mile away, alone in his own apt (and I do believe he is alone and that that's how he wants it for now.). WHY? Fortunately, the girls seem less aware of it than I do. I guess they still have their daddy--it's me who no longer has her H.
I hope things start to look up for me in the months ahead, because right now (as you can tell), I'm feeling pretty low.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
My husband is still at home. In fact, if anyone leaves, it'll be me. Can't afford the mortgage on my own... I should know more about my situation in a few weeks (after my husband has completed his project).
I'm so glad you have plans for the 4th. Seems like Boston would be a great place to visit this time of year - so much history! I wish I could give you a magic trick to make the hurt go away. Just do the best you can... muddle through. Try to have some fun. Have you been able to really laugh yet? If not, when it happens, you'll be taken aback because it feels so strange.
Have a safe trip. Will look forward to your updates.
xo, gfi
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Got back from Boston around 3pm and H came to pick up the girls at 4. This is round 3 of them going off with him for a couple of days. At first, it feels nice to have the time to myself, but then it starts to get lonely. I miss them and I miss the four of us. I don't miss the man he was for the past 8 mos prior to our S, but I really miss the life we had together and as a family before all of this went down.
I woke up the other morning wondering why he wasn't in my bed, why he insists upon living in his own apt a mile away and spending the money to do so. I guess only he really understands.
My kids continue to seem fine with the arrangement so far, which is unnerving. I'm glad to see that they're handling it pretty well, but how can that be? D11, who I was most worried about, seems to have almost no problem with the S. D7 has questions/comments now and then that are upsetting, but she's adjusted surprisingly well too. It hasn't even been 2 full weeks since H left.
I feel like *I'm* the only one who is suffering. It drives me CRAZY that my H doesn't miss me or our foursome at all--or at least not enough to want to come back.
Girl from Ipanema: Yes, I have really laughed and had fun, through this whole thing--even WITH H at times--we have made jokes about the situation together. Having a sense of humor has always been very important for me, especially during hard times. What's sad is that our shared sense of humor is one of the major things that connected H&I and now that he's no longer here, we've lost that too--all the inside jokes, nicknames for each other and the kids, years of laughing at the same things and making each other laugh. Why doesn't he miss that as much as I do???
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Just got back from another mediation session. Got there and saw that H wasn't wearing his wedding ring, which hurt--just another sign that for him, it's really and truly over. (Apparently our Ds noticed and want him to put it back on, but he says he put it in a pocket and now can't find it.)
He seemed relaxed and didn't look depressed, which just made me feel worse because clearly he isn't missing me at all or missing our life. I've been hoping that even if he doesn't change his mind about our M, he'd have some kind of huge moment of reckoning with himself. Nope.
I cried at one point during the mediation session, and H said nothing. The mediator was kind, asked if I was OK, etc.
I wish I could get over H and more importantly, stop hoping/waiting for him to wake up and see what he's throwing away.
I think I should take off my ring too. I am not standing for my M if H has no thoughts at all of reconciliation.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
hey, lmg ~ I'm having a rather bad day myself, so I can't think of anything uplifting to say, sorry.
Deciding what to do about the ring is a toughy. I haven't worn mine for a couple of years and still find it strange to be out in the world 'unattached'. Especially when I'm out with my kids - I find myself having the impulse to explain to people that I am married, which I find strange since I have absolutely no negative thoughts about single parents in general, other than it's hard being the only adult. Why does it bother me to have people thinking that I'm single?
Can you make the decision about your ring without reference to your H at all? Regardless of whether he wears his or not, how do YOU feel about taking YOURS off?
