Too late for DB for us, #9 (was in separated)

[cw68]

It is a big statement. This was a few days ago, but earlier in the day I was whining to him about something (that is a result of us splitting) and then sent him an email apologizing, saying that I was trying my best to detach, that I knew that sharing my feelings never changed things and never would and that I realized it just made things worse because he couldn't understand why I just couldn't pick myself up and move on like he did. That I thought it more healthy for myself if I stopped the habits and remember that he's not there for me like he once was. He said that I could continue to share and that I was "off base" in thinking that doing so made things worse, that that wasn't true at this point.

So he's growing. Good for him and good for our kids. It's nice to see. (Holding back the anger at him choosing to let himself go and grow AFTER we were done and not before, but whatever.)

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((cw))))))

I need to remember to come visit down here!

He does seem to be growing. I hope that continues, too!

And I hope that you are having a great trip!

[Kalni]

cw,

I hope you are having fun at your trip. Cosnidering the situation any glimpse of logic and growth is a bonus. I hope it lasts and I hope (just like I do for myself) that he will be good father to his children...
Love
K

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((cw)))))

Are you back yet? I hope you've had a BLAST!

[cw68]

I'm back, had an absolutely wonderful time!!!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

That is great to hear!

Any less smoke?

[No_More_Dodo]

I told stbx before he left, how good it'd be for him to try and work on the M and that it wouldnt' be easy but worthwhile, he said he didnt' want to sacrifice himself, that being unhappy in the M was all that was going to happen with him staying. Selfish alright, they can't think of anyone other than themselves.
They'll fool themselves for a while, and probably turn it and blame any future unhappiness on us, there might not be a moment when they truly understand what they've done, mostly they'll just keep believing the other spouse is at fault for their current situation. What a pathetic way to live that will be.

Very true........... I think my friend Teresa said it well... I will have to deal with the intense pain for a while..... My exH will have to deal with the regret for many years...... His lot is far worse than mine.....

NMD

[cw68]

My H is a f-er. Talk about not living in reality! Here's an email he just sent in response to me sharing (per our MC's advice) some of the actions of our children.

"That is unfortunate and I do realize that this situation is having an impact on them.

Of course, children will act out and display negative emotions regardless of their family situation, they will also find things to be unhappy about under any circumstances. This is a natural part of them growing and learning to deal with the various emotions. D7 and S5 had tantrums and blamed us for their fits of unhappiness long before any of this came about and they would have continued to do so regardless of whether we were together or apart. They also act out more with you (before and after), because they are around you more and you are more likely to be the recipient of their negative energies, again whether we were together or apart.

Its so interesting how focused we as a society are on the miseries and failures of children that have divorced parents, why don’t we dissect all the [censored] up or unsuccessful adults who came from married homes and normal adults who came from non-traditional families? How do we explain all the pain, dysfunction, emotional voids and depression that adults who came from traditional homes experience and struggle with (my mom and her sister, your sister, all perfect examples), I guess it just isn’t as interesting, or at the end of the day, we cannot accept that individual family circumstances are so widely varying and unique that there is no one right answer.

Anyway, I’m not trying to diminish the affect this has on D7 and S5 or to suggest that this is ideal for them. But I’m not going to accept that because they are the product of a divorce they will have less joy, opportunity, that they will be allowed to fail or be doomed (or damned as you say) to a life of diminished returns. I don’t believe that to be true, it is an antiquated view of reality and really I think it is complete B.S. I know we disagree and I know you think I’m not the person you thought I was because I have this perspective, etc. and that’s fine, I understand your perspective. In this case, we can agree to disagree. In general I believe that people have to deal with pain, difficulties and challenges in life no matter what and that the way we learn to rise above these challenges is what will ultimately shapes us as individuals."

F-er. (Yes, I'm ticked off.)

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((cw))))))))

So, how do you really feel?

He's colored the world to match his needs. There sure as heck isn't any point in arguing with him about it. Even if he is full of crap!

Spill more about your trip! Might lift your spirits a bit!

[cw68]

Well, after this email he made sure to tell me (admittedly pushed to do so) that the bottom line is that he doesn't want to be with me. That all the beliefs he had about family and vows were true when he said them, but he can't come back because he doesn't want to be with me. That he could wish all he wanted about our family, but he doesn't think we are compatible and never had been.

Seriously, I was pretty acceptant of our reality, but this really hurt. As much as I know that "I'm" not the cause of this, he's made it clear that he thinks I'm not reason enough to fight for us. In as much as I know that this isn't me, at the same time I cannot think anything else that it IS me. While we were "going at it" he said that we just "ended up" where we are, that sometimes people are completely incompatible from the get-go and that that was us. That somehow we just ended up ten years later with two kids and an 8-year marriage and the like. He actually told me that it was all just a case of letting the cards falls, even thought it went against what he thought should happen.

So I'm pissed for two reasons. One that he just blows off what we once had and, two, that (if what he says is true) he led me down the path I've followed knowing all along that I was going to get screwed.

I'm so irritated and so hurt. At the same time I realize that the .00001% hope that I once had for us is gone. As much as I realized the reality, there was a slim bit of hope shining. It's so gone, and with it is a lot of my personal self-worth. When I look at it on paper, I realize that I'm not the one who should feel un-worthy, but my heart doesn't see it so clearly.

f-er. Thanks, Jeff, for asking me how I really feel. F-er.